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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't help with baby

182 replies

BabyGirlMama22 · 25/03/2023 23:22

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 26/03/2023 16:09

You are essentially a single mother living in the same house. Either he shapes up or he ships out. You will be in no worse of a position if he goes than you are now infact you get one less person to look after.
he's bringing nothing to this at the minute. You have 2 choices, you put up with it and accept this is your life going forward or you change it. he's not going to suddenly have an epiphany and turn into dad of the year. He isn't interested.

Mari9999 · 26/03/2023 16:13

OP, what if anything will be different if he stays or if he gies? How will your life and that of your child's life be changed?

Consider those factors, and then act accordingly.

Jojolbf · 26/03/2023 17:46

I'm assuming you're on mat leave? Who is going to parent evenings and weekends when you're back at work. No one because you're both wanting to relax before/after work? His behaviour is so far beyond acceptable for a parent that I would remove his privilege of calling himself such.

letthemalldoone · 26/03/2023 17:48

Next time he asks tell him that being a "bad dad" would be a 'promotion' because right now he's nothing more than the sperm donor.

tillylula · 26/03/2023 18:38

Dancingonthemoonlight · 26/03/2023 11:16

@BabyGirlMama22 I'm not going to be like the rest of the lynch mob here and I'm going to suggest you have a Frank discussion with him. There is every possibility that he is suffering from Male post partum depression and is struggling with the responsibility of being a father.
Before anyone comes at me it is a 100% factual thing that men can get PPD as well as women, but it's quite obvious that many women don't give a hoot about a man's mental health here.
Speak to him in a calm manner and ask him if there's anything wrong, if he's struggling with becoming a dad etc and struggling to bond with his child.

To those calling him a lazy arse and to leave the bastard and that he's a bad dad did you ever stop to think he could be struggling? Would you call a mum the same things if it was the other way around or would you be suggesting it could be PPD or another mental health condition and be more supportive?

Mine had that, and over 3 years later he's still useless.

Mamai90 · 26/03/2023 18:52

This made me angry even reading it. He's a lazy, selfish arsehole and a shit Dad.

I think it angered me so much because I have a wee one not much older and I know how bloody hard it is!

You need to have a frank conversation because otherwise you'd be better off as a single parent, you pretty much are by the sounds of it but without the benefit of contact. YADNBU

CKL987 · 26/03/2023 19:19

Tell him that yes you are calling him a bad dad.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 26/03/2023 20:52

Yeah, he’s a bad dad and you need to tell him that. Good dads actually want to spend some time with their children.

Just my observation, but it seems to me that men like this are more frequently fathers of daughters than fathers of sons. There’s a certain type of man who’ll pull his parenting weight a tiny bit for a son but definitely won’t bother for a daughter.

Puggsy · 26/03/2023 21:10

Sounds like a classic man child. It makes me so sad that these sorts of guys think that is all a child deserves. Parenting is not something you can check out of I'm afraid it's 24/7 as you know. If he won't step up your child is better off with no Dad than a half arsed one I'm afraid. I appreciate life is more complicated than that but you need to question what this behaviour and dynamic will ultimately teach your child. Until you force him to take care of his child on his own he will never understand what parenting really takes. What he expects of you is not okay and to answer his question, yes he is without doubt a bad dad.

Notamum12345577 · 26/03/2023 21:28

100% agree

Notamum12345577 · 26/03/2023 21:30

Your answer to him asking if you are saying he is a bad dad could truthfully be ‘yes, I’m am saying that’. For context, I am a dad.

Cakeorchocolate · 26/03/2023 22:01

Posts like this always make me wonder where the yabu votes come from!

YANBU you don't get days off he should not get all his days off as days off.

If you're not bfing, leave him with the baby and get some time to yourself. If you are bfing leave the baby with him between feeds or with a bottle of expressed milk. He needs to share responsibility!

Ottersmith · 27/03/2023 02:13

Yes he's a bad Dad. You will be better off on your own.

GeneralDeborah · 27/03/2023 07:56

I have selected YANBU on the pill, but have to say YABU for calling it ‘helping out’ when the correct phrase is ‘parenting his own child’.
Your partner is not parenting his own child and there is unfortunately nothing you can do to make him want to do this and be a decent parent. The switch is on the inside.

Start thinking very carefully about your future with this man.

GeneralDeborah · 27/03/2023 07:57

‘Poll’ not pill! 🤦🏼‍♀️

MrsCKT · 27/03/2023 08:03

I think you need to have a frank conversation to establish whether he is suffering from male PPD or is he just being shit. But also was he like this before? Did you both agree on having a child? Did you have a conversation on how the parenting would go, who would do what and when? My husband works a physically demanding job and works 10 hour days, he still comes home and literally takes over caring for our 2 month old as he wants to. So either way a conversation needs to be had.

Twinnies23 · 27/03/2023 13:59

I have 7 week old twins and my partner is self employed working long hours, sometimes 7 days a week and he will always spend time with them when he gets home and does night feeds etc. Very hands on just as I expect him to be and he will look after them so I can nap / do housework / make tea. I'd be really disappointed if he didn't.

Rtruth · 27/03/2023 17:48

Sounds like a shit partner

Adelyra · 27/03/2023 17:54

Yes he is a bad dad. He's an arse actually.

YANBU.

GorgeousPizza · 27/03/2023 17:59

I divorced my husband for this exact reason but our baby was nearly 2. Took me that long to realise he won’t change for anyone not even his own child. Now I’ve been doing it alone for 3 years and my child is happier and I know his needs are seen to. My ex is still a deadbeat rubbish father though.

MrPickles73 · 27/03/2023 18:03

He's an arsehole

Bekstar · 27/03/2023 18:06

I'd give him an ultimatum be a dad or leave. He clearly is not been a dad. I had a risky birth with DS and my hubby was there all the way. He was after the birth when I returned to hospital with a Blood clot and other issues and had to be separated form my baby he did everything for him. That didn't stop when I got out of hospital and he was always there to help out and spend time with his baby. Never whined about changing nappies doing feeds etc. If he had done what your hubby is doing I'd have given him one chance to change that or is leave him, my baby needs a dad not an absentee who prefers his console/computer over his child. Stand up for yourself and your child. If he can't change there are better men out there who would quite happily help and be a better dad than he is.

Skyelils · 27/03/2023 18:07

Seems to me you’ve got 2 babies he should be ashamed it takes 2 to make a baby and 2 to bring them up . If he doesn’t want to tell him to sling his hook . He can’t have his cake and eat it

OJbreakfasttime · 27/03/2023 18:53

I could have written a lot of what you've written about my soon to be ex husband. We had twins and he would expect to come home from a day at work to his dinner ready and to be able to play computer games. Anything that came between him and his games was a complete hindrance in his mind.

He totally checked out of parenting and we split when the twins were 8 months old. Last year.

It is very tough being a single parent but I think back to how isolated and low I felt in those early days with him living here and it is absolutely worse.

coeurnoir · 27/03/2023 18:54

Those saying 'PPD mothers still look after their babies' how do they know? Because they did it themselves or do they personally know every single mother who struggled with PPD? Because not every mother has looked after their child whilst in the midst of PPD.

I had PPD with my first child. I barely have any memories of that time, only this overpowering fear and disconnect. This was about 24 years ago when there wasn't the recognition or support, or at least not where I was. My mother moved into our house to look after the baby when my husband was at work. When he was home he did everything while I mostly stayed out of the way.
It took over a year for me to get to grips with being a mother - my mum was with us on and off for nearly all of that time.
There was no miracle, no sudden realisation or bonding, just my mum and my husband supporting me to take on more and more of her care until they trusted me enough to leave me alone with her.