Partner doesn't help with baby

[BabyGirlMama22]

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

Hi everyone thank you for all of the responses, I never expected anyone to even see this! Sorry it's been a few days, I've not had a chance to get back on here but I've read every response now and I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking like this.

Whilst some of the responses were a little harsh and difficult to read, there were also so many kind ones and those of you who could relate too.

So yesterday I had it out with partner and told him how I felt. He says he's unsure about depression but is going to see the doctor. He has also agreed that he will be more hands on and helpful when it comes to dd. He has been told if things do not change then he will have to go as I can't raise two children!

For now I'll give him the chance to prove he can be a good father but I guess only time will tell.

He is not being a father in any way. It sounds like he is not connected to your daughter at all? I get SUPER annoyed by my husband playing computer games, but he does have our daughter solo for all the mornings of his days off work so I can catch up on sleep, and tbh I think this is minimum considering I do all nights/feeds/naps etc. I think you really need to have an honest conversation, tell him you're struggling. He has a 50/50 responsibility for her which it doesn't sound like he understands. Tbh it sounds like he needs to grow up, so if he asks if you're calling him a bad dad - say that he's not being any kind of Dad. Maybe try and have more days out together, time together with family - try and build that bond up. But he really needs to know what you expect of him because I know how addictive computer games are and I fear it's going to take a big jolt for him to change.

Also, just to answer a few points that were made:

1. Yes we both wanted dd. We've been together 9 years and have always discussed children and it was a mutual decision which we were both happy about.

1. To the less kind comments such as 'get your contraception sorted out' it is you'll be happy to know! It was before I left the hospital.

1. My mum gets her granddaughter overnight once a week as she stays quite far from us so gets to spend the time dd.

1. Yes I'm going back to work when dd is 9 months old.

1. We're both 27.

1. I have discussed male ppd with him and has agreed to speak with his doctor so we'll see what happens there.

I’m so pleased for you that he’s going to seek doctors advice. I really hope it helps. It’s a good start that he’s admitting a problem and he’ll need your patience.

Hey OP. When he says ‘are you calling me a bad dad?’, his intention (consciously or otherwise) is to twist the situation and turn you into the bad guy (criticising him, calling him names, etc.) I think he is doing this because is can’t stand hearing that he’s not doing enough. Let’s unpack it.

I’m guessing you insisted he wasn’t a bad dad, and went away feeling confused, angry, and isolated. My advice is to not engage at all with his twisting. If you do, he might make a habit of it. Don’t tell him he is a bad dad either, unless you have the balls to follow that through, and it sounds like you don’t at the moment. Instead, do what you can to stay calm and cheerful, shrug off the ‘bad dad’ question and stick to expressing your needs with minimal explanation: ‘I need some rest.’

It’s not acceptable for him to behave in this way. So why is he doing it? The first few months can be very weird for men. Birth and breastfeeding is physically & emotionally demanding for mums, but at least we’ve got maternal instinct driving us. The father can feel excluded, adrift, incompetent and/or lacking in confidence, and this can lead him to withdraw.

It’s not easy dealing with a partner who feels like this. It can feel like you’ve got two kids rather than one. Then you start to lose respect for them, and they can sense that, and it makes things even worse.

Lack of rest/sleep can make you more likely to react in these situations rather than to respond in the way you both need. Can you start by asking him to take the baby for a 20 minute walk in the buggy every day while you use an app to meditate? It’ll help to rewire your brain for resilience. You’ll need it.

So now on top of having grown a baby for 9 months, given birth, doing all of the childcare and housework, she has to pander to his feelings because he might be depressed?! FFS, don’t be ridiculous, he’s responsible for his own mental health, it is not an excuse to opt out of being a parent and yes, men can get depressed, but it’s not PPD because they’ve never been pregnant, they don’t have to have every single fucking thing women have you know?

Does it sound like he gives a shit about her mental health to you? And stop blaming women for male suicide FFS.