To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

I'm not surprised he's annoyed. What about your DD? Does she not get treated to a holiday too? It's very bizarre.

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn I've said the same to my daughter, what does she want/where as Japan isn't somewhere she'd like to go. So she's spending the next few months thinking about whether she wants her share for a holiday or something towards a car that she hopes to get by then.

I guess I also feel like if my adult daughter gets the same information and doesn't strop, just gets excited that she may get a holiday or money towards a car, how come the other half can't be just as grown up?!

It’s totally fine to go away without your partner.
When my DC were younger DH was doing professional exams. I used to take the DC away regular- long weekends. Then he could study.
A few years ago DC and I went to America. Part of the trip was to see relatives. I asked DH if he wanted to come. He said no. He wasn’t interested. We had a great time. DH was quite jealous as he loves to travel.
I say go for it. I wouldn’t take the 1 year old tho. Just you and son. It will make the holiday simpler.

@Harping0n thanks. No I wouldn't take the baby and that's what annoyed me - he said "you're going to be comfortable leaving the baby for 7-10 days are you?" Sort of guilt tripping I feel. Right now I wouldn't leave her for that long but this is when she will be 2 and I have to accept that my children have different activities and holidays that they want due to age. I was really looking forward. How he's behaved I think it's pretty childish considering my adult daughter just got excited thinking about a holiday for just her and I. I thought he'd love the suggestion of a holiday just him and I but is for some reason angry I'm going away just my son and I! We haven't spoken all evening 🤷‍♀️

I sort of see his point. Its not just about the time away from your baby but he has to be sole carer in that time. I wouldnt be happy if my dh went away for a week or so and I was left at home with a baby while he holidayed. A long weekend maybe but 7 - 10 days is a lot.

Don’t go to Japan for less than 2 weeks, you’ll miss out on so much.
I don’t see the issue with you going away with your DS though.

@Forgetaboutme maybe there's 2 types of people in the world, this who are ok with this and those who aren't.

He has 2 children from previous relationship also and I offered to include them in to a separate activity/holiday so that he and I could get some much needed us time.

But if the roles were reversed and he said to me that he's taking his youngest on a holiday he's been dreaming of taking her since before I came along and did I want a holiday just him and I too, I'd be so excited! I'd be so happy he'd get to finally take his daughter on holiday to somewhere she's always wanted to go and I wouldn't bat an eyelid being sole carer of the baby for a week... Maybe I need to accept we're very different in how we are happy for the other person even if they're doing something without us?

I thought about this but 2 weeks may be pushing it without my one year old, so I thought about 10 days?

I don't think the comparison of adult daughter is fair. I would pay for school and pre-school children, but not adult choldren. Your partner is the co-adult in your relationship. I would be annoyed at my dp going off on a long jolly and leaving me with the baby too. Especially as you have decided this without him and just dropped it on him after the decision. It's not really treating him as a partner is it.

im sorry but I'm with your partner on this one. You're supposed to be a family and your first thought was to exclude 2 (3 if you include adult daughter) members of that family from an amazing trip. You highlight the trips your ex was able to take your son on, and maybe you need to consider that you're unwittingly trying to compete with him now you're in a position to do the same. You're not being ungenerous and in your eyes offering to pay credit card or go on an adult holiday was treating him equally, but it really isn't. You mention not taking the baby, so he'd presumably have to look after the baby while you were away too. It sounds like you've basically presented it to him as a 'this is what I'm going to do whether you like it or not' and not actually sat down and had a discussion about what you'd like to do and why before deciding to do it. You havent considered his feelings and opinions at all. You've made it all about you and your son and that shouldn't be how families work. As for your daughter having a different reaction, she's not the one who should be an equal partner in family decision making. She's not your partner, he is. And it absolutely should be a family discussion /decision as it affects the whole family.

I guess my issue with this is, if he's unhappy with me taking my son to Japan for 10 days, what, my son and I don't go?

This is somewhere I've dreamt of taking him for years, before my partner came along, as been obsessed since he was little. I don't think because I'm now in a relationship that my son and I should miss out on this experience.

As for competing with my ex, the salary difference between us is insane, I could never compete but he's loved in both houses, my ex is a good Dad and earns a lot. The only feelings I have towards that is missing out on seeing my sons face and reactions during some amazing firsts.

Im so suprised so many are in support of your partner.

Your inheritance- is your inheritance no one else's. You have been very generous telling him you will allocate some money to make him happy.

I received a large inheritance last year and I been married 20 years but my DH didn't utter a word about what he might like with it because he understood that it was left to me.

The vast majority i have put away for my DCs future.

Go on holiday with your DS. It will be an incredibly bonding experience.

If your DP can't cope with little one for 10 days without being grouchy he isn't a particularly generous or thoughtful partner.

Nourish your relationship with DS. It is a difficult age and will do you both the power of good.

I've regularly taken my son and daughter on separate holidays to places they're interested in that the other wouldn't have much interest in visiting. Without my DP. We've also regularly taken holidays for all four of us, plus separate ones just for DP and I.
I think it's lovely to spend one on one time with people you love, be that your child, partner, parent or sibling.

Not necessarily no. If he's unhappy you discuss it with him , consider his feelings and opinions then ultimately decide how valid you feel they are. You might decide his feelings on the issue were unreasonable, but you'd at least done him the courtesy of considering them.

It's not about the money, it's the disrespect of deciding to go away on holiday without even discussing it with her partner first, despite the fact that it has an impact on him. If a man did this Munster would be absolutely crucifying him for not treating her as a equal partner in family decisions.

I think it's lovely you're giving your older children some 121 time. I know my partner wouldn't begrudge it.

YANBU, your partner sounds like the jealous selfish type.

And no, you shouldn't spend your money on his credit cards either.

Mumsnet . Not Munster, hate bloody predictive text.

I completely disagree. Mumsnet would be saying he sounds like a lovely dad who puts his children first.

OP doesn't have to get permission from her 4 year partner. She can raise her children how she sees fit. And he shouldn't have a problem having his own child for 7-10 nights. Especially when he can see how his step son will benefit.

@Lizzt2007

And therein lies the problem.

Its become acceptable to prioritise the relationship the step parent over the child.

OP has it spot on. If more people parented by putting the child first I wouldn't see so many messed up and unhappy young adults in my work.

OPs partner is an adult. He can cope for ten days.

Exactly @EmmaDilemma5

Of course they wouldn't! They'd be villifying him for not discussing it with her first!! And he absolutely should be able and willing to look after the baby for a week, but for op to make that decision for him without even discussing it first is bang out of order.

I think the inheritance is the perfect, and possibly only, opportunity for you to have a very special holiday with your DS. I’m a zealous believer in equality for children’s opportunities, but not all opportunities have to be simultaneous, particularly when your family setup involves children of vastly differing ages: when your DS is older, you can bring your younger child on a special holiday.

@Lizzt2007 what decision am I making "for him"? I'm making a decision for my son and I.

A decision I've wanted to make since before my partner came along and not one I believe my son and I should miss out on because of a relationship I've decided to have.

I agree with a PP, he's an adult, I would have no problem in him taking his daughter away for something that he's wanted to do for years before I came along, to further bond with his daughter one on one.

Just because we have relationships doesn't mean our most important relationships, our parent-child ones, should be treated any differently.

I’d be really hurt and upset if I was him as your not sharing it as a family, very much as a single person who’s then ‘generously’ gifting each person something that involves you at the centre.
it’s a totally different mind set to sharing your finances equally as a family unit.