To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

Oh and I don’t think going away with your son in wrong per se, but the way you’ve told him and gone about it and your justification is what’s screwed up, not the actual taking a trip!

Exactly this.

My daughter for example said she'd hate Japan and will either choose Greece or money towards a car. Something that's for her only rather than force everyone to enjoy the same thing.

My partner said he'd like to go to Japan too, which I wouldn't say no to, but I think I'd like it just my son and I really. We have a lovely close mother son relationship and next year he will be 16 so I'll be bordering on the last few years he'll be happy to do a holiday just him and I. Plus like I said to my partner, for my partner and I to have a truly nice break that's all about him and I, surely it would be better that he and I do our own romantic holiday? As Japan will just be doing what my son wants and there'll be no time for my partner and I as the Japan holiday is about my son.

I'd be so happy with a suggestion of a holiday of just my partner and I to connect with no children as my mum can have the baby for a week, she's pretty good.

But he's not and even he can't put his finger on why me going to Japan with his son has made him so cross!

But none of the other children would want to go to Japan? But it's my sons dream holiday. In that case isn't it thinking of each child and what they'd prefer by not forcing them on a holiday they'd hate? His two for example would just want a sunny holiday with a pool to swim for a couple of weeks - they'd hate being dragged round Tokyo for sure! My partner has already said a holiday like that would be a waste and totally lost in his two and my daughter would hate it. But that's not fair for my son to miss out because the other children don't want to go?

You've decided that you're going away just with your son and that you're not taking the baby so he has to look after her. No your parent child relationships shouldn't be treated differently because of a partner, but can you honestly not understand that not even having a discussion with your partner about it before you decided is unfair? That's mind boggling. I've been with my partner 13 years, last year I wanted to take my grandson on holiday, and the first thing I did was discuss it with my partner because we're a partnership, his feelings and opinions matter to me, as I would expect mine to matter to him.

She's tried to discuss it and her partner is shooting the idea down. Because he feels jealous.

I highly doubt many would villify him. Putting children first is good parenting. Putting your partner of 4 years above your teenage kids, not so much.

No she's telling him that's what she's doing. She told him she's going to Japan with her son and not taking the baby, there was no discussion involved, that's the point.

I’d go and take your son. I think it’s quite important to spend time with kids that are from a previous relationship, they will be fleeing the nest soon but after you’ve been focused probably on your baby, it’s good to really reconnect as your son is still a child and still needs you.

10 days though, you will need it. Your partner will cope.

This is all very well if the partner is reasonable, but in this case he is downright vetoing the idea. The younger child, whom they share, in ten or so years will be ready for a special trip without the older siblings (who presumably will be independent adults) so why should the partner not accommodate this once-in-a-lifetime (for the 15yo) opportunity now?

@Lizzt2007 I think because I wouldn't mind it at all as it's something he would be doing for the most important person in his life (child) I expect the same in return. I'd discuss dates with him that would be agreed by us both but the actual going away with my son next year, no, I don't believe I've got to 'clear' that with anyone. In my head we'd work out what dates work for us both when we have less on but the actual decision of taking my son away I don't believe has to be discussed.

I tend to find men attractive when they put their children first, and if he said next year he wants to take DD away just them to somewhere she's always wanted to go just those two, and he's not taking his other daughter he just wants time just those two then asked me what dates work for me to have the baby on my own? I'd think what a great guy I've decided to be with that he's making such efforts with his daughter and he's offered to make the same effort with me with his money and he's leaving the destination up to me even for a romantic getaway! I'd be so excited to start thinking where he and I could go and be really proud of him being such a dedicated dad and putting his daughter first.

Am I mad 🤪

Pure jealousy on his part. He probably does know why he's pissed off, just doesn't want to admit it.

He thinks he, and your shared child, should come first. Perhaps he wants you to spend all of your inheritance on "shared" experiences.

Honestly OP, you know why you want to take your son away and it sounds lovely. If your partner continues to be 'angry' then leave her with your mum. Your partner's being a dick.

Is he usually selfish?

Just as a caveat, I’d also listen to my partners concerns, and rope in help from family and others. If he really didn’t want to, I would actually bring the baby! The flights are long though, but it’s possible if you felt up to it.

He might have been reasonable if she'd discussed it rather than cut him out of the decision completely and told him that's what's happening irrespective of his feelings.

He's not even brought up him having the baby for 10 days on his own. He's a pretty hands on dad but it could be shared between him and my mum if for some reason he couldn't look after his own daughter for 10 days. I find that sentence mad to be honest and I'm pretty sure as he is so hands on that 10 days with the baby would be ok but he knows my mum would be around for help. The fact that he hasn't mentioned this as an issue I feel is quite normal for him as he's really good with her so this wouldn't be the cause of not speaking to me all evening

Maybe just let it sink in then. It might be a bit of a shock to him, so perhaps give him a bit of space and maybe tommorow or later approach him openly, say that his feelings matter. Just give him a bit of leeway and it could well be resolve amicably. He might just be feeling a bit put out that it’s not him, but he’ll get over it.

Are you saying that OP should take baby with her if DH cannot cope for a week with said child?

OP, I think it should be a discussion, but ultimately if DH wants to go Japan he is a grown man that can take himself there. With his reaction I wouldn’t be paying off cards/1:1 holiday on my dime.

It’s lovely for DS to have a potentially final memorable holiday with you.

To add, DH is ok for you and him to have a 1:1 but not you and DS?

Sod that.

@EmmaDilemma5

He and I have discussed holidays before and said the average sunny holiday with a pool etc is the only holiday they'd all be ok going on together as we have: 19DD 15 DS 10DSD 7DSD 1DD that we share.

Being of all different ages and wanting them all to have something special out of this, would logically mean different experiences for each.

We've been away in this country together with all children when the baby was 4 months and to be honest we ended up having to split up a lot of the time on holiday so that each child could enjoy an activity they'd like! We went to a beautiful yurt with so many things to do but being different ages I saw my partner at the yurt more than anywhere else and it didn't feel like much of a holiday!

I hope it's a strange knee jerk reaction and that he and I can start planning a romantic getaway just us!

I would absolutely do this! How amazing, giving them each an individual experience. Which you don't have to do at all seeing as though it's YOUR money. I would like to do this with each of mine when they are older. One is obsessed with Seoul, the other is happy anywhere with beach, it would be amazing to have some 1-1 time with them.
Perhaps leave him to ponder for a few days, I would have approached it like you have, by the time I had told my DH I would have researched it and presented it as a done deal 😁 please though OP, of this is something you really want to do with your children, dont let anyone tell you you can't. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

Thanks @jemimapuddlepluck

I've been researching this in the hope one day of doing it, for years before I met him! I've said to DP in the past that I'd like to take my son but as it's so expensive I've not been able to. He seemed to not have a problem talking about it when it was hypothetical... Now a reality he's got pissed off.

I will be going with my son and I'll ensure that it's at a time that we don't have much on and have my mum as a back up incase he needs help which I don't think he will.

I just hope he calms down and we can get excited about where we'd like to go too as we could really do with a holiday just him and I too

@carrotk1 it’s not a totally strange reaction on his part, I might be a bit put out if my partner suggested this. I’d wonder how much I meant to him and had in my head a romantic holiday. But then later I’d pull myself together. Give him time.

I had to do separate holidays as have disabled child who can’t tolerate many activities. I didn’t want other dc to miss out so they have done trips with one parent when the other stayed at home. I also did a ‘big’ holiday when dc were coming up to uni age in case it was the last one. Those experiences and memories are important and this phase of parenting is nearly over for you and your ds so you should go for it. It’s not practical for dc with vastly different needs to all go on holiday together. It’s not as though all the money is going on one child everyone is getting an opportunity to spend the money on something meaningful for them.

It feels like he's been kind enough to take your son away and give him a great time but you're jealous so you're punishing him by excluding him from your holiday. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with a mother-son holiday but maybe if your partner wants to go to Japan, which could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, you could all go on that holiday and you do something with your son that your partner doesn't want to do.
I also don't think there's anything wrong about leaving the baby with its father but you need more than 10 days if you're going to Japan.

It sounds like you are wanting to plan several holidays without the baby coming. I couldn't leave my daughter that long, even though her dad is absolutely amazing and would be perfectly able to look after her. I don't see why everyone who wants to go can't go and you take the baby with you. As a family. If older dd doesn't wish to go at her age that's different. You both chose to have a baby when you already have teens, which is fine, but for me that would mean you would have to do big things like holidays that everyone can do if they want to.

Oooh I’m torn, I can see both sides.

On the one hand I think it’s a lovely and important thing to do with just your son, and completely reasonable. I think it’s such a nice idea!

On the other hand did you simply present it as a fait accompli to your DP? I think if my DH walked in and just TOLD me he was going away for 10 days without me and I was in sole charge of a one year old, I might have quite a shit initial reaction. I don’t think it’s fair to compare reactions with DD as her life is just the same when you’re away and she’s aware she’s getting treated the same with her own trip/car. Depending on how this was presented to your DP, I can imagine feeling rather sidelined or hurt. He isn’t a nanny and I’m assuming you’re equal parents, so whilst sure “your inheritance, your choice” is true, it’s not very partnership-y to just tell someone they’re going to be parenting alone for ten days.

Have you looked after your shared child alone for 10 days? (Not goady, genuine Q).