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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with my son without partner

180 replies

carrotk1 · 24/03/2023 19:29

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

OP posts:
MovingandStressed · 25/03/2023 05:31

OP what a lovely trip you’ve planned and definitely important to have 121 time with your children, your DD won’t even remember you being away. Your partner needs to like it or lump it - how about supporting you in something you feel is important with your children. He sounds rather selfish to me! Stick to your guns, it’s a lovely idea xx

Beezknees · 25/03/2023 05:37

I think it's a great idea! Go for it.

I've been a lone parent since DS was a few months old so admittedly I can't see the big deal about looking after a one year old alone. It's 10 days, not forever.

Aprilx · 25/03/2023 05:50

I recently went on holiday without my husband as I wanted to go somewhere where he did not want to go to. But we agreed it and he was happy, I wouldn’t have dreamt of just telling him I am going and if he had wanted to come he would be very welcome. Because we are a team. And I am expecting inheritance this year and if I use some for a holiday of course I will pay for him to because we are a partnership. To be honest if my husband said he was going on holiday and I wasn’t welcome to join him, I would consider the marriage to be in trouble. I think it s very selfish OP, I also think it is odd that you are planning this holiday with only one of your three children.

Aprilx · 25/03/2023 05:57

MovingandStressed · 25/03/2023 05:31

OP what a lovely trip you’ve planned and definitely important to have 121 time with your children, your DD won’t even remember you being away. Your partner needs to like it or lump it - how about supporting you in something you feel is important with your children. He sounds rather selfish to me! Stick to your guns, it’s a lovely idea xx

How in gods name do you conclude that he is selfish! He literally hasn’t done anything or even had a say. It’s all me me me. If don’t know how OP dares to call him her partner! If a man said he was leaving his partner at home with the baby whilst he spent his inheritance on a holiday for himself and she would have to like it or lump it, well I predict he would be thoroughly criticised.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 25/03/2023 05:57

Go to Japan with your DS and make some amazing memories.

gamerchick · 25/03/2023 06:01

Sounds to me that he had a different vision on how to spend that money and it hasn't panned out like that. That's why it looks like an odd thing to focus on.

There's not often we can fulfill one of our kids dreams OP. Do the plan, I'd probably not rely on him for childcare. You're probably going to see his true colours quite soon.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 06:10

There was a very similar post not that long ago of a man who wanted to take his two older kids on vacation and leave his wife / girlfriend and their young shared child at home. The replies were very different and he was the villain! I would bet this is a reverse to show how different replies are depending on gender of the parent.

Goldbar · 25/03/2023 06:24

If he's generally hands-on with the baby and given he's taken your son away in the past, I wouldn't just be dismissing his views as unreasonable.

You should be able to find a compromise here. What about you all go to Japan (except your older DD, if she'd prefer to do something else) for a few weeks, and then you and your son do some more grown-up trips/excursions for 2-3 days at a time while your partner looks after the baby and does more kid-friendly stuff? So you could spend some time together as a family and some one-on-one time with your DS, and your partner would get to visit Japan.

MichelleScarn · 25/03/2023 06:25

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 06:10

There was a very similar post not that long ago of a man who wanted to take his two older kids on vacation and leave his wife / girlfriend and their young shared child at home. The replies were very different and he was the villain! I would bet this is a reverse to show how different replies are depending on gender of the parent.

Quite, so 10 days away with ds, then same with dd so I'll will there be childcare the dp has to work around? What about your leave from work will you be using most of that up on these trips? Or if op is sahp is there even formal childcare during the day?

Toocooltoboogie · 25/03/2023 06:32

I hope you go Op. It sounds like a fabulous opportunity. You have been very generous and fair. I think its lovely you are priortising time with your children. Your partner is an adult - he can cope with the baby for 10 days. Do you think that's part of the reason he is being awkward? He doesn't feel he should have to?

You get one crack at life....one just one. Why would someone be so selfish to stand in front of this opportunity? It sounds like you are the type of partner that would not and deserve the same in return.

Autienotnautie · 25/03/2023 06:49

I wouldn't assume my partner would be ok with me leaving them for ten days while I went on holiday. That's a long time to a two year old ( although obviously people do it) a long weekend would be fine. I'd have probably planned a big family holiday for all of you rather than 3 or 4 separate ones. You are all the same family. I get why he's put out and also yes understandable he might like to be included. ( although unless you share finances you shouldn't feel obliged to pay for him) but you don't want him to come as you need him to be at home with lo. Also it sounds like you told the older children before you asked him if he was ok with it? I get you want to treat your son but I disagree it's ok to expect your partner to pick up slack while you go long haul.

Shoxfordian · 25/03/2023 07:00

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here op - it sounds like you’re trying to be fair and treat everyone but they would all like something different. Does your dp usually have an issue with you going out and him looking after the baby?

BananaSpanner · 25/03/2023 07:12

I think it’s a lovely idea and your partner is unreasonable to be supportive. You are bringing it up for discussion at a reasonable stage, it’s not like you’ve booked the tickets yet. I’m sure he will get used to the idea.

My only thought from your OP is that you are underestimating how easy it will be for you to leave your baby for 10 days. They will be old
enough to miss you but too young to understand what’s happening and could be quite upset. I would struggle to enjoy a holiday whilst that was happening. However, I even miss my dog terribly when I go on holiday so I’m probably not the right person to comment!

We have two dc who have different interests and as such we try and give them one on one time and experiences (on a much smaller scale) that are special to them rather than try and do something average for all of us. Both dc have had an individual weekend away with one of us for example.

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2023 07:16

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 25/03/2023 05:29

Oooh I’m torn, I can see both sides.

On the one hand I think it’s a lovely and important thing to do with just your son, and completely reasonable. I think it’s such a nice idea!

On the other hand did you simply present it as a fait accompli to your DP? I think if my DH walked in and just TOLD me he was going away for 10 days without me and I was in sole charge of a one year old, I might have quite a shit initial reaction. I don’t think it’s fair to compare reactions with DD as her life is just the same when you’re away and she’s aware she’s getting treated the same with her own trip/car. Depending on how this was presented to your DP, I can imagine feeling rather sidelined or hurt. He isn’t a nanny and I’m assuming you’re equal parents, so whilst sure “your inheritance, your choice” is true, it’s not very partnership-y to just tell someone they’re going to be parenting alone for ten days.

Have you looked after your shared child alone for 10 days? (Not goady, genuine Q).

This, you made a decision and then told him and seem to gloss over the fact it does directly involve him. I would be annoyed in a partnership if there was no discussion

mycatsanutter · 25/03/2023 07:30

I think it's a great idea and lovely that your son at that age wants to holiday with his mum, take full advantage of that and go . You aren't spending all your inheritance you are asking him to think of a break for the 2 of you why isn't he focused on that instead of sulking?! I have older children then a big gap and a ds with my husband. My dd21 and I have been to Budapest , London , Prague just us 2 my DH has no problem with it at at all . I don't know why people are suggesting he comes along with the baby too , you would then be more focused on the baby and activities to keep them happy which are not going to tally with your sons dream.

Simonjt · 25/03/2023 07:32

Ten days is a very long time for a one year old to be away from one of their parents, I wouldn’t want my husband to leave our daughter for ten days, and he wouldn’t want me to do it either. I’d wait until she was older, or I would take her and her Dad with me if a trip was more than 2-3 nights. We chose to have her, part of that was realising we can’t just leave her for ten days to go on a jolly.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 07:43

...and then another ten days with her daughter to Greece...

How much annual leave do you have?

I think most women would be annoyed if their DH used twenty plus days of his annual leave to travel with his older kids while she stayed at home juggling work and life and the the baby.

PaigeMatthews · 25/03/2023 08:06

How often has he taken his own children away since you've known him? Either with you or on his own?

i bet the issue is him looking after his child for that time. Or else why try to make you feel guilty?

StaringAtTheWater · 25/03/2023 08:13

I think 10 days is a long time to leave your DP and partner, when it's a destination your DP wants to go too. It's fine to leave your elder DD though as she's said she doesn't have an interest in going (and you have penciled some of the money for her to do something different with).

Can you not compromise on all four of you going, but with the proviso that your DP does some half days / days of childcare, so that you and DS don't miss out on the activities that aren't suitable for a 2 year old, and you get some one on one time together?

Lindy2 · 25/03/2023 08:13

I think if I was doing a once in a lifetime holiday I'd want to take all my children and partner with me.

I can see why he's fed up. If I was doing just a 2 person holiday it would probably be a holiday with my partner rather than just 1 of my 3 children.

It does seem rather an odd choice to me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/03/2023 08:24

I'm all for quality time alone with each child. But I'd be pissed off in this scenario, theres quality time then theres a 'holiday of a lifetime' that's using up a significant chunk of annual leave and yes I'd feel left out.

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 08:25

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 06:10

There was a very similar post not that long ago of a man who wanted to take his two older kids on vacation and leave his wife / girlfriend and their young shared child at home. The replies were very different and he was the villain! I would bet this is a reverse to show how different replies are depending on gender of the parent.

I was wondering reverse but think it's probably genuine.

I agree the responses would be very different if it was OP posting that her partner wanted to do this. HIS inheritance?!! You're a family, this is family money. He swans off on a once in a lifetime holiday with his DC from a previous relationship leaving you holding the baby?. Are the kind of replies I'd anticipate.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 08:31

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 08:25

I was wondering reverse but think it's probably genuine.

I agree the responses would be very different if it was OP posting that her partner wanted to do this. HIS inheritance?!! You're a family, this is family money. He swans off on a once in a lifetime holiday with his DC from a previous relationship leaving you holding the baby?. Are the kind of replies I'd anticipate.

Show quote history

The other thread was also a woman posting and saying her partner wanted to go away with his older kids and leave her at home with the young child. posts called him all kinds of names and that he was a terrible partner, a selfish asshole, didn't respect her and that she could do better and should leave him...

The scenario was so similar, thats why I wondered if it was a reverse. The comments in this thread are polar opposite. The male partner is being made out to be the bad guy in both scenarios! In the second half of this thread, a few more people are asking if she should really go but she isn't getting any of the name calling that the father got in the other post.

Multiblue · 25/03/2023 08:34

I see his point about the baby TBH.

I think taking your near adult child away on a special holiday without partner is fine, I'm not sure leaving a baby, for more than a couple of days, to do so is.

SallyWD · 25/03/2023 08:39

I'm with you OP! I think it's a lovely idea to have quality time with your son. I can see how you've probably focused a lot of your time and attention on your partner and baby in recent years. Such a good idea to do something with just your son. You're also offering the same to your daughter and partner so it's completely fair. I also think it's fine to leave a 2 year old for 7-10 days.
I'd be perfectly happy with this if I was your partner.