To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

OP you have been more than reasonable over this and your partner is behaving like a spoilt brat quite frankly.

You are totally entitled to take your son on holiday just the 2 of you. I am going away with my adult DD for nearly 2 weeks this year, leaving my 4yo at home with his dad, along with my adult DS. My partner is perfectly fine with it

You honestly wouldn’t have an issue if your husband announced he was going on a holiday of a lifetime without you. And when you say it is somewhere you have always wanted to go too, he says no you have to stay at home with the baby as I don’t want my baby on the trip either.

You would be ok with this really? I bet if you posted that on here there would be a chorus of LTB. But of course it is ok for the OP to do this because she is female. The double standards on this place are unbelievable.

I don't usual hold with the "what ifnit was the other way round" psot

Sorry for being unclear, it's two separate points.

1. 'I'm not surprised he's annoyed.' - I'd be devastated if my partner was going off on a jolly to a country I've never visited and wanted to and he purposely didn't want to invite me. In fact, I've had this discussion with him before! Neither of us would do this to the other. It's hurtful and disrespectful. And he's left holding the baby! This isn't a sexist point because even as a mother I'd be put out by no childcare help for 10 days. This isn't a partnership.

1. 'What about your DD?' - I think the OP has answered this point tbf.

Obviously it would be nice to go if the situation allowed.
But I don't think her DS should miss out & that it will be a wonderful thing for them to experience together.
I think the OP said that the last year has been very baby focused.
Myself & my DH would facilitate each other doing this once it wasn't at the expense of the rest of the family.

The more I think about this, the more questions I come up with.
I see nothing wrong with you going, providing all child care is in place and not going to affect family holidays, but that leads me to ask where your wishes come in OP. Japan for your DS, Greece or car fir DD, romantic break of DP choice, family holiday for his DC. What about your dream holiday OP what are you planning on doing for YOU with YOUR inheritance?

Go on holiday with your son and don't feel bad it. Your husband will get over his childish strop and your son will have amazing memories of just you and him, lovely idea, do it!

YANBU

I'm a single parent, so my mum takes me away just her me and my DC as it's cheaper for me with 2 adults. But my sibling would hate it so mum and him go away seperately to different places. Mum also goes away with her parents without me or my sibling or goes away with her partner without us. She did this when we were children as well and left us with our grandparents.

It's fine, different people like different things and have different needs.

If I ever get into a relationship I'd take my DC away seperately from my DP and any DCs of his.

I am so glad you are sticking to your guns 😁
If he gets his way and you don't end up going I hope you put that money away and nobody goes, if he wants a holiday, he pays for it. These are YOUR children OP, never let a man (or woman for that matter) tell you what you can and can't do with them. Especially an man or woman who is not their parent. There is no issue at all with him looking after his own DD for 10 days. We get one go at this, take your son to Japan and give him that experience, with you. Stay strong!

He sounds like a great big baby - boo hoo. Enjoy your holiday with your son and ignore your partner's twatishness.

@sweeneytoddsrazor how funny some other pp have called me selfish! I don't really care about something for me only I mean I don't even rate Japan myself, it's never anywhere I'd choose to go, I'm going to give my son an experience he's always wanted and I'll be so happy to see him happy.

I'd like to think a holiday with me and DP would be something we'd both enjoy but I'd just be happy getting the alone time with him, I'm happy for him to choose somewhere.

Thank you for your post though, I'm happy if I see everyone else happy on their holidays.

It's not a holiday of a lifetime. Op isn't even bothered, its for her son. The boyfriend has known about it for years, AND has been offered an alternative holiday.

There is no double standard here. If it was a man, it would be equally as fine, and his whiny ass girlfriend would also be a selfish tit.

You are answering as if they are all one family.

They aren’t. Up until four years ago, the OP’s children didn’t know their mother’s new partner.

These are issues that step families encounter. Answering as if they are both equal parents is pointless. They aren’t and have to adjust all areas of their lives to accommodate each other including holidays.

Would he? I've never seen a thread with this situation in reverse. I've seen a few where a man wants to leave his partner with small children while he goes off on his third stag of the year. Invariably there are multiple replies telling the OP she should let him go because she should be able to manage her own children by herself and she mustn't be so needy and controlling. I can't imagine a man wanting to take his child on holiday being greeted with anything other than praise for what a great dad he was. As tends to be the way whenever a man does any parenting.

Can we stop with the "If a man" responses they are fucking tedious. IF it was a woman posting on here that her OH wanted to do this she would be told to suck it up, why can't she look after her own child for 10 days, she has no say in what he wants to do with his own child yadda yadda. The internalised misogyny on Mumsnet never fails to take my breath away. We are our own worst enemy.

Well there was one such thread only a week or two ago. And I can assure you the man was not praised.

Tbh I agree with you that that is what the comments would say - but I wouldn't be one of them. I would be saying it's a big ask and a long time, and I think that's the case here, too.

Then you would be one of a very few 😊 but I would hope you would be willing to discuss and not act like OP's OH.
How lucky is the OP and her family that they can afford to go see the world? How likely is that to ever happen again? That each one of them can go somewhere they really want to go? I personally could never be the one to put a stop to that and would do all I could to ensure these trips happened and my DH would do the same. I want my family to experience as many opportunities as possible.

Then you would be one of a very few 😊 but I would hope you would be willing to discuss and not act like OP's OH.

Yes I'd be willing to discuss it, though tbh with a 1/2 year old my underlying feeling would be that 10 days is a really long time and I wish he'd do this trip when the child was a bit older, and that's without the added factor that would have applied in my case of my toddler being really clingy to me (more so than DH) and likely to be upset by me being gone that long.

Go. I got some inheritance and split it between holidays indivually with each child. Each suiting their choices and no having to compromise on what we ate or saw . Had a partner been on scene he would just had to suck it up. Getting time one to one with your child is wonderful.

I wouldn’t leave a two and a half year old for ten days either.

So what if you wouldn't? I would. OP would.

No, there was one. The reverse isn't a hypothetical. I think the dad wanted to take his older kids (maybe to Disneyland?) and it was the wife posting as she was pissed she was being left at home to look after their toddler while he used his annual leave to head out and have fun with this older kids. The posts were all supportive of her and called him all kinds of names.

I guess the difference is here that I'm offering a separate holiday to him and his children, so that his children don't get dragged around Tokyo which they will hate. Slightly different maybe? That I'm offering my step children their own choice of holiday too? That my son won't want to go on either as I'm guessing it'll be too childish for him.

Your OH probably just wants to go to Japan so he’s pouting that he’s clearly not invited or welcome.