To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

As a mum of a 15 yr old I would definitely spend money and time on a holiday for the two of us. As I personally feel that relationship with sons can be harder to be close and I think you would really bond doing it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your idea, it sounds like it is exactly what your son needs and that it will be a key memory for the rest of his life. You have hardly any time left for opportunities like this with him. Your DP is being a real prick about it. You have even been generous enough to offer him a portion of your inheritance - I don't think that you should do this.

If a stepmum posted on here from your DP's point of view they would have a lynch mob after them crying 'burn the witch'.

The rest of the thread explains that I've given my DP, older DD and my two step daughters a portion of the money for us to do something unique for them too.

So the reason Japan is for my son only is because none of the other children would want to go to Japan and if anything it's selfish of me to spend that money on a trip they don't want to be on just because my son wants that.

So I'm giving them their own experiences that they will actually enjoy. But Japan isn't that.

Baby is 1 now, I'm getting the inheritance in a few months with a view to go April 2024.

Baby will be 2 and a half.

@musingsinmidlife that's so unfair for the dad posting.

Like I've said in a previous post i find dedicated dads attractive and if my partner said that he was taking away his daughter on a father daughter trip that is all about her, I actually wouldn't want to interfere with that.

Yes we are a family but that doesn't mean that we don't have our own important relationships within that family that we need to foster.

People always talk about that it's important to have time as a couple which I think so too, but I think it's also important to have 1:1 time with each child. If not more important as they are more important!

Before we found out I was having the baby I was 2 years in to my degree as a pediatric nurse. I've taken 2 years out to have the baby and be with her in her first year and a half. In September I study the final year, I have 2 weeks off at Christmas, 2 weeks off at Easter (preferred time to go to Japan as this is when cherry blossoms bloom) and the whole of August off.

This will be my third year before I start work so I also think it's perfect before my annual leave is cut down..

I don't see anything wrong with you going away with just your son, neither do I see anything wrong with him asking if you feel comfortable leaving the baby. He hasn't refused to look after DC he has questioned if you are ok with leaving them and plenty of parents aren't. But potentially you are leaving your DC for 3 holidays if you have one with your son, one with your daughter and a romantic one with your partner.

I really wouldn’t do this (TBH, it wouldn’t even have occurred to me). We would all go as a family and, if the 19 year old didn’t want to, I would consider giving her something else instead.

Personally I do think 10 days is quite a long time to leave your younger child and, as the parent left behind, I can see why he is annoyed by that.

I would just do a fun weekend away with your DS for one on one time rather than something this extreme.

I'm not judging you for being willing to leave your younger child but I can see why your partner is annoyed.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH went on a major holiday without me to be very honest.

Why can't you all go as a family?

Where does the baby fit into your considerations about anything? Sounds like an after thought at best.

One to two is peak separation anxiety in my experience.

@THisbackwithavengeance because his two daughters won't enjoy and my eldest daughter doesn't want to go. Japan I think is somewhere you go if you really want to, my 10 and 7 year old step daughters don't want to be dragged around Tokyo. We could have thought of something more enjoyable for them

He's woken up fuming rather than calmed down. He's going out for the day! We don't have the other children today so baby and me will just go to the beach as he's now left pissed off 🤦‍♀️

This is a blended family though so it's slightly more complicated. Having one on one time without the step parent there all the time is important.

@Businessflake I went to new York when my son was 18 months, he was great and we have a lovely close relationship hence the trip. I also went to Switzerland for nye for a long weekend 2 months after the new York trip, he was fine.

In my experience every child is different

@carrotk1 fair enough I get why it wouldn't suit the whole family.

But I think this is one of those where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I get it's nice to want to do the holiday with your DS and it's your money but I can also see your DP's POV.

How about if you went on holiday with your DS and also booked an equally nice holiday for the whole family. We did a cruise with our teens last year and they loved every minute; in fact we barely saw them once they found friends. That might sooth ruffled feathers.

But it does sound like your DS benefits massively from having a high earning Dad so even if you ended up not going, I'm sure he wouldn't be hard done to.

YANBU at all OP.

DH sounds like a selfish knob. It’s very generous of you to share this money with his DC, and you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I would tell him to grow up, or I wouldn’t be sharing the money with him after all.

@THisbackwithavengeance yes I've said in one of the posts that I'm offering his children a holiday too just one they will enjoy

What child care is in place for the little one if he has to work whilst you are away? If he has to book a/l then it will reduce time he has to book family holiday and romance holiday and potential time off for you and your eldest DD

I think it's a lovely thing to do. Just you and your your son. If you took your baby or your partner as well, it would be a completely different dynamic.
I would always put children ahead of partner. Us adults have to take care of them, first and foremost. They grow up so quickly.
Obviously you will be planning this for a time that suits all of you.
Have a great time.

But she will be with her dad, who already cares for her. It's not as though she's leaving her with strangers.

@cartagenagina thank you.

I approached him this morning and despite after sleeping on it I don't think I'm being unreasonable I did apologise to him and said that it might not feel like it but it came from a good place. It came from wanting my son to have an amazing holiday without leaving him and his children out of it too, but wanting him and them to spend the money on something that will make them happy, rather than what I thought was selfish and dragging them on my sons holiday that they'd hate. I also said he has said so much about having time just for us as a couple and by taking my son away on a holiday and us on a separate one, that's what I felt I was achieving - everyone getting what they want. I apologised if what I said didn't come across that it was from a good place but the way I felt was that I was in fact prioritising everyone by giving everyone an individual experience that would make them happy.

That wasn't good enough he kicked off and we're spending today apart.

I'm sat here thinking I apologised as I don't want him to feel bad and there's no discussion. This seems to have triggered something as I don't feel like what I've said, especially the apology warrants this reaction

Oh come on, don't pretend he's annoyed because the adult DD isn't going? We all know that's not his problem.

Bizarre point. No thought required, baby has another parent just as able to care for her.
What further consideration is needed?

So the person you, presumably, see you spending your life with, would also love to join in on the holiday and you’ve excluded him, leaving him with sole care of your shared child for 7-10 days and you can’t understand his anger?

maybe it’s just me but I completely understand his view point. To not even have a conversation with him surrounding the idea before laying it on him shows the lack of respect you have for him.

I am not saying you can’t do what you want with your inheritance, you absolutely can, but you are supposed to be a unified unit and completely understand his response at you just laying it on him.