To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

YANBU, OP! I hope you and your DS have an amazing time in Japan and (as long as he calms down and cheers up!), you and your DH and the other DC and SDC have wonderful holidays/treats too!

I'm not actually sure what my opinion is on this. I'm not sure why you would offer to pay for your partners kids to go on am expensive holiday to Japan. I wondered about your DD also as you didn't mention this until others asked...

You would be better going to Japan for 2 weeks. I'm all for mum's going away and leaving their baby at home with dad especially at a young age because these men DO need to learn. Like you said inlaws can be on hand to help out too, although anything more than 7 days is a bit much IMO.

My partners children are not going to Japan, not sure where you've got this info from on this post. I think you've misread the thread

Does he often try and control you through guilt?

You have children with very different ages and interests - of course there is nothing wrong with going on holiday with each of your older children and doing something different with the youngest.

There is nothing unreasonable about your partner looking after his own daughter for a couple of weeks as a one off.

I don't actually see why you have to pay for his children's holidays as well - surely that should be shared cost as a joint holiday but you might choose to pay for him.

However 10 days is a very short time to spend in Japan - can you stretch it to at least two weeks?

Well, he's obviously never going to see a penny of your money now (I hope).

After all, it sounds like you're going to need it stashed away for dealing with him post split - at which point, you can also book the holiday without him bitching about it as he'll either be having your DD for a holiday or you've bought her a ticket as well.

I am shaking my head in amazement at some of the replies, so many codependants on here, "we either do it as a family or not at all"
I have the luxury of not needing permission to enjoy my life as l choose to stay single and free.
I have raised my children totally independently the past ten years, so l can't understand the problem regarding ten measley days, it's laughable.
You go and enjoy it OP, don't you dare not go, you and your partner have got years and years for more holidays, enjoy your sons company whilst you can.

You're addressing the fairness of your financial intentions which are all transparent and fair but has he clarified if he disagrees with that or it's the issue of leaving him alone with a 1 yo? Because there's no way a bloke gets away with that on here, irrespective of how fair you're being with finances.

@ChateauxNeufDePoop I don't think he's clarified why he's annoyed at all to be honest! He said yesterday he's trying to figure out why he's so pissed off. But we've not spoken today so your guess is as good as mine

Some of these responses 🤦🏻‍♀️
The OP wants to go for 10 days not 10 years! The 2 year old will be their other PARENT, she’s not dumping them with a stranger fgs!

My DP works away a lot and I have a one year old. I manage perfectly well when he isn’t here, often for much longer than the 10 days the OP is suggesting. He should be perfectly capable to parent his child for 10 days alone. If this was a situation where the man wanted to go on a stag etc. posters would be telling the OP to stop being so controlling and asking why she can’t manage the children alone for a few days.

Just because they are together and are a partnership doesn’t mean that they need to be joined at the hip. They are allowed to have separate interests and do things independently of each other. What’s 10 days out of a lifetime together? Plus the OP has ringfenced some of the money to spend on a holiday of his choosing.

I think it’s a really nice idea to have that one on one time with your son.
Go and book it OP!

@carrotk1 sorry I haven't misread the thread. I actually meant to type I don't understand why you would offer to pay for your partners kids to go on holiday. You are not there mother.

I'm not sure why your reply was so hostile.

I don't think you are being unreasonable actually.

It is not as if it is something you do all the time. I went away by myself regularly without DH and the children from them being about 3 years old which meant DH was left in charge. He didn't grumble or moan he couldn't cope. He's a capable adult that can cope.
I honestly think it will be great to spend 1:1 time with your son. The teen years can get tricky but I think it will really help the relationship with each other. Me and DS1 went to Austria for our 1:1 and me and DS2 went to Finland.

So your DP wants to go to Japan. Well there is always another time, Japan isn't going anywhere so it can be a trip to look forward to and plan together in the future.

I don't get the comments that people would be devastatated if their partner went on holiday and left them with the baby. You are not attached at the hip and as long as the partner going away is normally supportive and fair I don't see a problem. If this is just a one of trip for 2 weeks/ 10 days/whatever it is only a small moment in time.

I have taken both my children on holidays alone while leaving the other with DH because we think individual time with their parents is important. Sure, it's hard work looking after a 2.5 year old for 10 days alone but... it's his kid. Who will be at nursery. Come on!
Your son is a lot older than my kids, but still your child and why shouldn't he have his mum to himself for a while? He might never have this chance again, tbh, and that makes this even more something that I think is unmitigatedly good. I can't understand why your DH thinks the appropriate response to "I'd like to use my inheritance to separately treat everyone in the family to the holiday of their choice" is anything other than "wow, that's so generous, are you sure?"

To be honest I would also be hurt if I was him about you wanting to go away and leave him to look after your 2 year old for 10 days alone. It's a long time for one of the primary caregivers to be gone. It's tough for your son though as it sounds like you've already discussed it with him before checking it with your partner?

By the way if it wasn't for your baby I wouldn't think you were at ALL unreasonable. I just think it's a long time to be without your partner when you have a toddler.

@BurbageBrook I think I'm used to that. My ex was quite high up in the military and was away a lot so I'm used to one parent doing a lot of the work and in return he would come home and take over and give me a lot of me time to make up for it.

I've seen two children be away from their military dad for months on end from birth and still not be clingy to one parent and have an amazing relationship with the parent that's away. And I'm only talking about 10 days when she is 2.

My goodness, it's threads like this that remind me how lucky I am to be single.

The man has childcare in place, it's not going to affect his work or make him need any time off... he just has to parent alone for 10 days. If he can't do that then I'd be dumping him anyway. Plenty of people raise children entirely on their own, how can he not fucking cope for 10days?

And he can't actually see, or doesn't appreciate, what an amazing bonding experience this would be that your son would remember forever and be so grateful for. It's all about him and his poor hurt feelings. Has he got jealousy issues with regard your son?

You've offered so much of your inheritance to those you love to creat unique and meaningful experiences catered to everyone. I think you sound amazing x

I'd honestly be reevaluating my relationship, this guy sounds like a selfish, childish fucking asshole. I'd be fucked if I allowed a partner to tell me what I could and couldn't do with MY inheritance and MY son.

I think your partner is being really weird. Why shouldn't you have a holiday with your son? Your DD is fine with it, and you've offered lovely generous things to both your DD and your partner. So he had to look after your joint child for 10 days - lots of working parents take business trips and everyone copes. My DH would be really pleased that I was having a once-in-a-lifetime experience with my DS. Do you think he'd think it was ok for him to go away from his child for 10 days, but not for the mother to do that? Folks can often be a bit strange about the idea of - god forbid - women going away from young children for any length of time. But it's fine for fathers. Hmmm.

All this faux concern about 2yo being left alone with dad for 10 days 🤦‍♂️

My husband is an ICU consultant and quite frequently has runs of not seeing our children for 10 days as he leaves at 0600 and gets home long after their bedtime. My children adore him and he is a brilliant dad.

Baby will be fine. Dad sounds like he is a co-primary carer, not a stranger you’ve pulled in off the street to look after little one.

I wouldn’t go for 10 days when mine were this little (or even now to be honest) but I’m wise to the fact that this is because of my own need to be near to them. I have total Stockholm syndrome. I would probably feel differently though if I had a blended family of teens and was parenting 3 children with large age gaps.

Re your partner? More complex. I think this needs gentle handling… and exploring. Insecure in the relationship? If that’s possible then why? Just a thought… I imagine it’s possibly been a complicated few years for everyone.

FWIW OP, you sound awesome.

Update!

We finally spoke this morning and he agreed that Japan isn't somewhere we should be taking his 2 children as it's not something they'd enjoy, so he agreed that going away as a family for my sons dream holiday wouldn't actually be fair on his other two or my son.

BUT - and this is the bit that a few pp have touched on in terms of jealousy... I said that even if say for example I was still with my ex partner and he said he wanted to go away with my son I wouldn't have had a problem with it (I said this to highlight that even not in a blended family, I wouldn't see a problem if they wanted their own bonding time as long as we also went away somewhere else like I've offered). He then said "yes but he's his son, he sees your son differently". That was bizarre so I dug deeper and we got to the bottom that he sees my son as just another person, like an adult I'd be going away with! To which I had to point out he's not! So I said he has to switch to thinking that OK he's not my partners son but he is mine! And he admitted that's the part he's almost not computing, because he's not his son then he's felt I'm going away with just another person that's not him - I was baffled - he has to remember he may just be another person to him but he's my son!

He apologised and admitted he needs to alter that way of thinking and remember I am actually doing something "parental" here not going on a jolly with the girls!

(Although my personal opinion is that even if he said look my mate and I want to go to Australia for 2 weeks shall we also book something in for you and me, I wouldn't have a problem with this as people are still individuals with friends and dreams outside of a relationship, but I didn't push that topic!)

Progress. Odd, but progress!

It sounds resolved, somewhat 😂. How strange though, wonder what that's all about? Anyway glad it's resolved. Get it booked and have fun!

Yanbu, your ds is 15 and probably the last opportunity to have this special time with him and especially making a dream of his come true. You both will have this forever. And the baby coming along completely changes everything. Your dp should do this, not because he has to but because he should want you to have this lovely memory with your ds. His reaction is really odd.

I just think it's a long time to be without your partner when you have a toddler
It's 10 days, not 10 months!!
Jeez, the poor nan will survive I'm sure. Anyway it'll be a good bonding time for him and the toddler!

So if you were going away with the girls that would be a problem?

I don’t see what the big deal is either. My brother and I went on holidays with individual parents, and we had family holidays as well.

it may not be what some posters are used to, but that doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable or wrong.