To go on holiday with my son without partner

[carrotk1]

Hi everyone

I've got a 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter from previous relationship and a 1 year old girl in my current relationship that I've been in for 4 years.

We met in 2019 and didn't have a chance for a holiday together and since covid we've only been on breaks away in this country.

In a few months in being given a very small section of inheritance early, enough for a few holidays maybe but nothing mad.

My ex partner has taken my son on all amazing holidays like florida and lapland which although great for my son, I've always felt a bit sad not to be able to see his excitement etc.

So I thought since I would have this money that I'd take him to Japan as he's always wanted to go and is obsessed with it. The attention the past year has been very baby focused and I'd like him and I to go on this amazing holiday together.

I asked my partner this week, since I want to do this for my son, what did he want as part of this money eg would be like us to go somewhere to have some him and I time? Am amazing experience? Even pay off his credit card? Whatever he wanted to do I said I'd like to keep a section that's going to make him happy too.

He's really cross with me, he couldn't really figure out why to begin with and started guilt tripping me about being away from the baby for 7-10 days which I didn't think was fair. I have other children too who would like their mum to focus on them too.

He said he'd always liked to go to Japan so why didn't I include him? I said because this was a holiday solely about my son and I having us time and if he did come I guess I'd be ok with that but that I was coming from an angle of I'd rather my partner and I do a holiday that's just for us to focus on us. Rather than have a very 'parenty' holiday.

This wasn't good enough and he's been cross with me all night really. He's hardly speaking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong.

I feel like I'm allowed my time with my son but I always asked him what he would like to spend a section of the money on that I'll keep for just him and I. This wasn't good enough and I want to check if I was being unreasonable? It came from a good place of wanting dedicated time with my son and him.

Do you current work and financially support yourself, your two kids and 50% of your shared child? Do any of his finances go towards you and your kids?

If his money goes towards your expenses and you are not taking on equal financial responsibility in the family then some of his upset may come from the fact that his money is also your money but your money is only your money.

I am just speculating as I don't know your finances but unless they are equally shared - he may feel like you are taking advantage of him financially and that this money should go into the family expenses.

No childcare needed, 1 year old is already in nursery ready for me to return to my last year of university in September as a mature student, and he works from home 9-5. Nursery opens at 0730 until 6pm. And my mum is happy to help out if needed. Baby will be 2 and a half when I go to Japan.

She's a unified unit with her children, too. Long before new fella came along.

Yours, and his, attitude is selfish and grabby. Add complaining about being left with your own child (the horror!).

We split everything 50:50 in terms of bills etc and we pay for our own children.

I was in a well paid job which allowed me to return to university for a change of career which I had decided just before I met him, so was financially prepared to pay my own way through University and have never asked him for a penny. (Apart from we pay 50% bills as mentioned). We pay for our own cars, and we have a joint bank account for bills only and whatever we have left ourselves is our own money. It's a system that has worked very well for us as its very black and white, we've never argued about money before for this reason

Never said she didn’t but it’s the consideration element that’s missing. That doesn’t mean she can’t take the holiday but it feels like she’s excluded him in the full plans prior. Would a conversation prior been so hard?

Not a chance I would lay this on my other half, just feels incredibly excluding.

Maybe it’s my morals but we are in this together, not just when it suits.

There is such a big gap between your old and new family.

I would go with your eldest son and daughter.

i would go separately with your partner and baby. There is no way everyone could mix as one and it would be nothing but hassle trying to accommodate a once off holiday for a baby who would prefer Disneyland Paris in a few years anyway.

But as an aside do you have to spend all your inheritance so quickly? You mentioned your partner’s credit card bills? Instead of paying for a ‘couple’ holiday or a ‘young family holiday’, if he isn’t the type to run up another credit card bill, couldn’t you just pay off his credit card, leaving you all more disposable income and a higher standard of living that can include treats/days out/restaurants occasionally and just put away the rest to go towards a family break to eg Disneyland Paris in a few years when the baby is at school and wants to go there?

I think you’re coming from a hood place.

I probably wouldn’t have told my partner about the inheritance at all tbh. I’d have said your son’s father coughed up the money.

A good place even!

She literally said that she told him she was thinking about it, and what would he like to do with as well? That IS the consideration element. I suggest you read the OP.

Was she supposed to talk to him before she had even thought of it? How does that work?

@AllAboardTootToot the problem with this is that this has been something I wanted to do (and researched) before he came along 4 years ago.

So the idea of clearing this with him is a bit late in a way as the plan has always been that if his dad hadn't taken him to Japan, I would. And with the inheritance it's a little easier to implement.

We've spoken before that it's something I've always wanted to do with my son, and he's never said a thing that it would be weird. He already knows I've looked in to going, my son has spoken about going to Japan since before I met him and has brought it up a lot in the last 4 years. This isn't as if it's a huge shock.

All I'm kinda adding to the hypothetical conversations we've had before is that it is actually happening, I can actually afford it without it eating in to finances for our day to day lives and what I would clear with my other half are the dates in which it would work for us.

But this isn't a big surprise that I've landed on him out of nowhere either.

I think what you're proposing is a lovely idea and if you allow your partner to dissuade you or change the nature of the trip you will resent him. I strongly suspect its more about being left with the baby than you going away with your son. But your partner had a child with you in full knowledge you had other children, and so would have to divide your attention between them in ways he does not. If at times this means him doing a little extra where your shared child is concerned, that goes with the territory. He surely can't expect that with three children with that age gap you can do everything with all of them all of the time.

@jenjenlinks this is exactly what I thought reading some of the posts. My son and I always talk about how amazing it would be to take him to Japan. My partner has previously been sat next to me while I look at flight prices and saying I just can't justify it right now.

The inheritance money news came in the other day and I thought amazing, we have a few months to plan what to do with it and one thing I'd like to do is go to Japan with my son and also do something for my partner, his children, my eldest daughter and maybe put some money away for the baby.

So like you said of course the thought has to be there before I speak to him, and I thought that this way nobody has to go on a holiday that's purely for the other sibling or step brother/step son as surely that's not fair on everyone else?

Isn't it fairer that everyone gets to go somewhere or do something / spend the money on something they want for themselves and not be dragged along on my sons dream holiday that they'll hate!

Outside of this holiday issue, is he jealous of your relationship with your DS?

I remember an ex boyfriend of mine, who I had only been seeing for six months, getting shirty about me taking my 16 year old DS on holiday to celebrate end of GCSEs. He was quite weird about it, trying to make me feel it was almost inappropriate. I think he was just jealous of our close relationship.

I also holiday with both my DC together, and separately, as they wouldn’t always want to go the same places as each other. It’s really not unusual, and OP has clarified that her DD is pleased as punch about her “share” of the money.

OP,

I think it sounds like a wonderful plan.

Your partner sounds like a tit.

I would be hanging onto as much of that money as you can and NOT blowing it.

You have gone right back to the baby stage, while studying, with a petulant man.

I would be careful with that inheritance, you may well need it.

I can see both sides in respect to the holiday. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to plan a holiday just for yourself and your son to do something together you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time. Great idea. I can also see how your DP might feel initially if it’s a place he would also love to go. I don’t think either of you are really right or wrong in that respect.

He needs to accept though that if he were there the whole holiday dynamic would change, as he wouldn't likely be wanting to experience the same things your son would, and this is a trip that’s for your son, not him. You are going to great lengths to ensure everyone gets some individualised benefit from your inheritance, and he’s acting rather selfishly.

The bigger issue here is his reaction to the plan. First he tries to guilt you by intimating you would be a bad mother for leaving your toddler for a few days, then when he realised that didn’t work he’s acting like a child himself (a sulky, brattish one to boot). Not very attractive in someone you want to share your life with. And now he’s gone all passive aggressive on you and pissed off, essentially giving you the ultimate silent treatment. He’s an adult. He needs to grow up and recognise that this is about you and your son sharing a memory making bonding experience, not about him muscling in on your long held fantasy trip.

Is he used to getting his own way in your relationship? Do you tend to agree with doing things his way as you're not too bothered either way, so this is maybe a big shock to him that you are not just giving in to let him get his way? Please don’t relent and let him tag along, I think your trip is a really lovely thing for your son (and you).

I agree with above PP that it sounds wonderful. Your DS will so appreciate that you have remained true to your discussions and plans over the years.
Did your DP ever show signs of wanting to see Japan when the conversations came up? If he didn't then he really is just jealous of your mother/son relationship. You've said that childcare is not an issue. I guess if he did want to go to Japan he might be feeling rather gutted. I wonder if you could continue with your plans for your inheritance, spreading it out as you have suggested. But could the bit you're planning on possibly setting aside for your baby daughter be earmarked for a trip in say 5-10 years time to Japan with DP and DD?

As part of a blended family myself, I think you're being unreasonable. This isn't about the holiday with your son - it's the presumption that without consultation, you can leave your partner with your joint child for ten days. If you had want8ed the freedom to totally dedicate yourself to your older children in this way, perhaps you shouldn't have chosen to have another child. This just isn't something that would occur to me to do. We spend one on one time with our older children (not joint) children but not ten days in Japan.

Don't pay off his credit card, don't pay for his DC to have a holiday and unless he calms down and apologises for his behaviour then don't take him on holiday either. Spend some of the money on the trip to Japan with your DS and on a holiday to Greece or a car for your DD. Put the rest in your sole savings account, you might need that money to go it alone, your DP sounds jealous and ungrateful - has he expressed gratitude for the fact you are offering to pay for holidays for him and his DC? No, I didn't think so.

OP i think you are right. the entire family doesn't have to do everything together. And parents spending one on one time with your children is important, leaving your child with their other PARENT is fine. how many people on here have partners that work away consistently.

your partner is being a bit ridiculous, enjoy this time with your son and enjoy Japan!

I'd be tempted to start withdrawing some of your generous offers to be honest.

Most times on here people are told to prioritise their children over newer partners and you seem to be doing just that.

He sounds spoilt and petulant.

I absolutely think you should take your son away & enjoy the holiday.
Blended family aside ... with kids those ages you often need to divide & conquer in order to get things done.
I have kids similar ages .... Older teen down to toddler and we regularly holiday separately for various reasons
There has never been any issue / jealousy from any of the kids or the parent staying behind.
I think your DH is being rather childish especially since he is getting a holiday as well.
It's not like you and DS going to Japan is at the expense of everyone having a holiday.
Toddler will miss you but will be fine.

Go with your son, it will be such a brilliant experience for you both and your relationship.

Reading this back and I can hardly believe the responses.

If a man 'announced' that he was taking his older child on holiday for ten days and leaving his partner with their joint DC without even checking if that was OK with her, he'd have his arse handed to him on a plate, everyone would be saying LTB.

I don’t see a problem with this

You say that you couldn't leave your one year old daughter for two weeks to go on holiday now but you can when she is two. How do you know that? Why will you feel differently about it in a year? I couldn't go away for two weeks and leave my kids behind. Your DD will miss you for at the least the first few days which will be hard work for your DP.

Why don't you find a holiday that you can all go on together now and put the Japan money in the bank for when your DS is a few years older (maybe it could be his 21st birthday present?) and might enjoy it too or might at least understand why her DM has gone away without her.

You are offering to get your DP something with the money to ease your guilt over wanting to go away without him.

Would he though ?
It's not a jolly to benidorm with the girls or a golf holiday.

It's a holiday of a lifetime with her teenage DS.

Everyone else will get a holiday as well. I really don't see the issue.

It's the disrespectfulness of the presumption. Your partner is supposed to be a partner, meaning this is supposed to be discussed, not just presented as a done deal. OP also has joint responsibility for their joint child.