AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

But that is YOUR FRIENDS reaction and perogative. It doesn't allow people to ask what can be quite a personal question to look like a stellar parent, especially when the kids themselves haven't uttered a peep.

Because it would have indicated she had grasped how I approached it was and was unlikely to ever do it again and would have have a defining “teachable lesson” that you keep your nose out of other people’s personal situation. Plus you wouldn’t have questioned yourself afterwards that you were being overly sensitive

Why should my comfort around using my chair and the privacy of my medical condition and history be trumped by a woman wanting to use me as some kind of "teaching aid".

I quote myself again: "Ultimately you owed her nothing" we are not disagreeing.

Did you not start the thread to get a range of opinions and a sense of perspective? I assume you didn't want an echo chamber?

We (mostly) agree. You were not able to extend any grace towards the lack of tact on this occasion. Fair enough. We have all said tactless things on occasion and all had moments on the receiving end, when we sometimes can deal with it charitably and sometimes just don't have the patience or tolerance to do so.

Where I disagree is the urging from others to get you to feel increasingly 'pissed off' and angry over it or towards the person (I know this is fairly typical of AIBU to be honest, so I don't know why I'm bothering), but likely the woman in question was genuinely trying to instill a sense of social responsibility in her children. Yes she went about it in a clumsy and insensitive way, but who of us hasn't been a perpetrator of that on occasion and needed a bit of undeserved grace extended at least once in our lives?

With that in mind I would place this incident in its context, because although the outcome was insensitive the intention wasn't to be deliberately cruel or nasty.

This is actually a very grounding post, thank you. I do still think she had no right to ask as it did put me on the spot. I would probably feel differently if the question had come from the girls she was with but it felt... odd(?) her asking in order to educate her girls when they hadn't even mentioned my chair. I have however had some very good responses on here, along with the frenzy of anger which I will probably go back and read again when I can properly digest them.

I do however think that people perhaps need to engage their brains before asking such questions as you have no idea of the distress you may potentially cause.

Lovely post

I really dislike people asking me what is “wrong” with ds. I usually look over at him and respond he looks happy enough or whatever as though they were asking about his mood. They rarely continue but I once had a horrible woman who just kept saying “no, what’s WRONG with him?” Eventually I just said “I’ve no idea” to which she responded “well haven’t you taken him to the Dr or anything?” We just left.

@DysonSpheres But it is revealing an underlying attitude that the woman does not see disabled as full human adults.
And it is not a one-off, disabled people regularly get treated this way.

The link to the other thread was my thread from last year! I thought your thread was my old one bumped up!

It will happen again to you but infrequently, not every time you go out and after a while it bothers you less.

@Itcouldhappenabishop and @RattlewhenIwalk
Sorry, but my answer is that we are human beings just like everyone else, some of us may be generally quite nice people, some of us may be, or appear to be, horrible or anti-social, we may sometimes be in high spirits, and sometimes in low spirits, and probably - most often - just trying to get on with our day like everyone else, with maybe a bit of added stress because each time we venture outside in our wheelchairs at least a few people will probably try to "be helpful".

Well as I have got older I have become more and more of a termagant. I don't want to be rude, or nasty to someone who is trying to be helpful, and I can understand that it must be difficult for an able bodied person to know what to do, when I am saying "please just treat me like anyone else who is trying to get out of a lift. I know that I am reversing out, and therefore might look as if I need help, but unless I ask - please can you do such and such for me, which might be hold the open door button for me - then just focus on not losing your place in the que for the lift, and apart from that, please, please, just ignore me", but then other disabled people like Rattle, say just ask me directly if I need help, so how do you know what to do? I suppose that there might be some indicators in our different behaviours, I will be concentrating very hard on reversing without running over anyone's toes, and in looking where I am going; whereas another wheelchair user might sort of look around, maybe even at some peoples faces, and then it might be safer to assume that you can ask them if they need help without having your head bitten off!

Generally I would say please just treat us the sameway as you would anyone else going about their daily life, ie after a quick glance ignore us unless we are looking particularly distressed in the same way that you would ask a fully mobile person if they are ok if they were looking distressed. But that suits me, and might not suit Rattle, or anyone else who isn't a grumpy old man or woman! Sorry, after all that I haven't been helpful at all...

I agree. She’s been reduced to an exhibit of interest to the woman and her children. Her kids hadn’t looked at or mentioned the OP, and so it does smack of performative parenting and a crashing lack of self-awareness.

If someone had a facial disfigurement, a birthmark, extensive burn scarring, would the woman also have marched her children up to them and demand they explain their ‘afflcition’ to her children as a teachable moment? Because I really don’t see a difference between the situations.

The woman’s (intentional or otherwise, but if it was inadvertent then she’s probably too stupid to realise) rudeness deserved no grace, no tolerance and no acknowledgement from the OP. The OP knows no one an explanation, nor should she have to swallow her own feelings on the intrusion.

I can’t get over people thinking that the OP should somehow be making allowances for this woman’s behaviour, whatever her intention. And that’s not me attempting to whip the OP up into a fury, though I do hope that the guilt she felt has long gone.

That’s hideous. What a vile beast.

I’d be tempted to reply “what do you mean?” each time, repeatedly forcing them to verbalise it, until everyone around is listening and/or they realise that they should be ashamed of themselves and no detailed explanation is coming.

She was rude and unreasonable. I’m sorry you were treated this way. Don’t feel bad. YANBU.

@TheLadyofShalott1 everyone is different and I don't claim to speak for everyone just me.

I think a little give and take goes a long way. Make no mistake I'm as cranky as the next person but generally, generally people are trying to be helpful. So my teeth can be very gritted when I respond to people.

Trundles off to find a dentist

I bet a lot of.people who use wheelchairs have a thick skin precisely because of this unthinking rudeness which let's be honest there's so much of.

If she really wanted her children to.lesrn something she could have simply explained that some people use a wheelchair for lots of different possible reasons. No one is entitled to asking personal questions of others especially strangers they've not even introduced themselves to. I think she's probably a bit socially dim by the sounds of it.

She’s probably a mumsnetter who read some posts about how much so many parents of ND children say they actively like to be asked so they can can enlighten and encourage understanding.

She was daft and trying to be PC and “right on” but got it wrong. She wouldn’t have meant maliciously or trying to hurt you

🤣

If the child asked you by herself out of genuine curiosity in the moment, I'd be fine with that. Child's do ask these things.

But not the mother asking on her behalf

Can you get a lanyard for hidden disability??? Well done for getting out in your wheelchair, it does get easier x

I feel you.
DH had a woman walk past, then literally stop and come back to ask him what was wrong with DS.

Also used to do lots of he's just a bit tired, he's a bit grumpy etc. but yes, the "but what's REALLY wrong with him??" people deserve their own circle of hell.

I did have someone comment the other day "oh I'm sorry he's ill" which I know was well meant but frankly, I couldn't muster anything other than a confused look and "he's not" as he was clearly dancing around albeit on o2.

But it’s not hidden? 😐

Why would the Op wear a lanyard doesn't the thing with wheels give her away?

Maybe I could attach a sign to the lanyard saying " don't fucking ask" 😂😂

I'd say 'because I shit all over the floor when I stand up' or something equally horrid. Not to her DC though, just the nosey cow.

Or say to the kids 'the teachable moment here is that your mummy needs to learn it's rude to ask personal questions about people's health and disabilities!'

😄