AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

You dealt with it fine but can anyone else remember that a few years back there was a push from some people with visible differences saying ‘we know your kids are staring and asking you about us, we’d rather you just asked us in order to normalise it’.

I wonder if she had heard this. You’re right to decline to answer though and the phrase ‘teachable moment’ is awful.

Next time you could reply "I'm in a wheelchair as a result of asking strangers intrusive personal questions" with a big grin.

I wheeled myself away pretty much as soon as I replied to her. She only said it as we were getting ready to leave anyhow.

YANBU - I can cope when it's very young kids asking me why my autistic kids "are like that" but I really hate when parents start loudly giving lectures to their children about disabilities using my boys as a teachable moment. I don't know why I hate it so much as in theory more understanding and acceptance should be a good thing but I've started to really resent it.

Awful. YANBU

I asked someone a rude and inappropriate question and they broke my legs?

There was a very similar thread last year, using the same phrasing, so the 'teachable moment' idea must be some kind of thing:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4460480-I-am-not-a-teachable-moment

@ThisNameIsNotAvailable I wondered this too.

Maybe next time somebody asks say that the cord snapped on your bungee jump and wait for their shocked reaction!

She was awful and I would have given her an earful. I’m disabled myself and had someone once insist on telling me I was a wonderful role model. I tried saying ‘I’m just a person doing my job’ but she wouldn’t shut up.

’I don’t need to share my medical history/ traumatic experience with you and it’s terribly rude of you to ask’

Yes, recommend anyone with a similar future question this book. The author speaks from experience, and in the final section of the book he advises parents how to talk with their children about people's body differences, and how to respond to your children when they start asking questions aloud in public about someone they are observing.

The woman here was obviously at fault for objectifying you as a teachable moment, so you owe her nothing, and your reaction was completely appropriate to the situation. However, if in the future a small child would happen to ask you innocently, who you don't want to shut down, this book recommendation may be a good way to be amenable, without having to engage in a conversation you are not (and should not have to be) comfortable with.

So you clocked literally no response at all. No facial expression? Your dh didn’t see anything?

because had she seen contrite and embarrassed and gone to apologise the it could well have been a teachable moment. But not for her children. For her

THIS! ⬆

What a very rude, intrusive thing to ask someone - none of her damn business!

I was on a bus once and a man had a pot (plaster) on his arm and my then small son asked me what it was, and I just explained that he must have hurt his arm somehow and the pot was to help it get better. None of our business how he did it. Whether he was rescuing kittens from a tree or fighting with the police wasn't anything to do with me.

Gosh
this must be so common because someone else on MN had exactly the same experience a while ago

<chef's kiss> 👌

I’m sorry that’s horrible! If I wanted to do a teachable moment for my kids, having a discussion after you left of why people are in wheelchairs would be more appropriate. Then you are covering a wide range of disabilities and encouraging critical thinking.

If anyone asks again make something up each time really crazy. Go all out unbelievable….I was hit by lightening on a boat ride in the Amazon crazy. I was bitten by a crocodile or when I was climbing the london eye a seagull attacked me.

My kids would have a great time coming up with these and playing along.

I'm sure it happens a lot. What's your point?

There are a lot of influential bloggers and tiktokers who suggest doing something similar to what that lady did. So she probably thought she was being disability positive or something.

You weren’t being rude and you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to.

Yanbu the good thing is the teachable moment ended up being for her to mind her own business

Sorry to be 'that' poster, but May I ask wheelchair users what would be the best thing to do/say, eg when you're reversing out of the lift or into a narrow doorway?
Nothing? Or can I give you a hand there? Or...? Sorry I am probably likely to make inane chat as I do with most people but I'd like to be better equipped to not be an arsehole. I've used a wheelchair myself for a short period and I was so gobsmacked at finding myself invisible that I didn't learn very much!
Sorry you met that bellend OP, at least now you have a few good one liners if it happens again!

It's not uncommon, some people have no boundaries. I have a standard bland comment that I use for children eg my legs don't work very little. Little children generally are happy.

Adults I brush off mostly with something as bland as It's a long story and change the subject. Rarely, I give them chapter and verse as I can see the eyes glaze over.

Fucking hell she should be ashamed. And I really hope she is. But people like her are rarely self-aware, sadly.

My jaw dropped open when you described what she asked you. What an absolute bloody cheek. You don't go around treating people like that.

YANBU!

She was so rude! This must be a difficult time of adjustment for you @MrsWidgerysLodger but well done for using the wheelchair and not letting circumstances stop you from having these precious moments with your DD.

She sounds like a total prick. Your response was very measured, not rude at all. Teachable moment? What on earth is she on about? She needs a teachable moment of her own!