AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

This. don't let any of it put you off going out and abour peoples nosiness is on them not you .

@Merryhobnobs I love her she's fab we share the same (sort of) disability and she's just great her message is clear and to the point !

I do get where you're coming from, I really do, however I am already struggling with requiring a chair to be able to leave the house. Why should my comfort around using my chair and the privacy of my medical condition and history be trumped by a woman wanting to use me as some kind of "teaching aid". To begin with I was worried I was being rude but the more I think about it the more pissed off I am. The two girls with this woman hadn't asked a thing about my chair or even mentioned it. Be kind, yes, but not at the expense of others, and maybe I don't owe anything to a woman wanting to use me as a performative parenting tool.

She probably didn't mean any harm - was just a bit clumsy.

I think sometimes people see someone or something and think "I'll use this as a chance to teach my kid something". Of course, when you do that with a person, you have to remember that there is a person on the other end of it with their own feelings.

Honestly I would not have a stock kind answer. I would just say its rude to ask personal questions.
It is your medical history. It is nobody's business.

The girls were probably more comfortable of you being there having a cuppa minding your own, than their ridiculous mother !

@ILikePizzas But that is the whole point. It is unkind because it is treating the disabled person as an object, not a real human being who is entitled to privacy.

I mean if you saw a 30 year old smartly dressed woman walking down the street with a slight limp would you go up and ask her exactly why she has an limp? No you would not. You would appear batshit.
What the woman did to OP is dehumanising, it is treating her as lesser. And in that situation OP and others do not even owe those people a kind rebuff.

I agree with you. That's what I meant when I said you have to remember that there is a person who you are talking to. This lady seems to have forgotten that and been a bit clumsy/insensitive.

I have a limp I've had people randomly ask me "what's wrong" just come out with it ! So brazen and entitled.

Well said.

There's no maybe about it. You don't. Always remember that.

You know you get those men who like to say things to women?

When I had my foot in a cast some years ago, men couldn't seem to help asking if I'd tripped over the cat.

As @AskAwayAgain says, disabled people aren’t objects, they’re normal people!

My DB’s FIL is a paraplegic but perfectly able to communicate with others and luckily where he lives it’s a small city where people are known if they go out and about. He goes to classes, sports events, out and about by himself. He shouldn’t have to answer questions about why he’s in a wheelchair or wears special footwear for his cerebral palsy unless he wants to tell people. Having a disability does make his friends and family more protective of him and his rights, but he’s more than capable of standing up for himself.

I admit that in the past 15 years since I’ve known him I’ve gotten more annoyed and irritated at how disabled people are often badly/inconsiderately treated (there are lovely considerate people and venues though who do accommodate a wheelchair) and how although there’s been improvements, his electric wheelchair often still can’t be accommodated (but in a lot of places is(. He can’t eg travel to London by train to see his DD and her family as, still, only a few stations/tube stations etc have step free, wheelchair access and accessible lifts. Shocking really.

Many people treat disabled people as lesser. Disgusting and needs to be addressed and talked about to prevent it.

Oh god yes ! I could go on and on about men and their "hilarious" 1 liners

YANBU at all OP. How insensitive, when you're just trying to go about your day.

I can see both sides if I’m honest. A good friend of mine was wheel chair bound as she lost her two lower legs. When people ask, if kids or teenagers are present she tells them she lost her legs due to smoking. Bless her heart. When just adults ask she tells them the truth, accident at work. She doesn’t mind people asking but she has been in a wheel chair so long and is comfortable in her own skin (and has a very practical and no nonsense attitude which I think helps)

What an odd thing for her to do.

@Londontoderby Do you have a no nonsense attitude to revealing medical information about yourself to strangers?

@Londontoderby are you suggesting people /the op just need to be confident about their medical conditions and relax and tell other people about it ?

I'm not sure why you're so focused on this but to answer you

why I’m so focussed”? I asked what her response was because could either make the scenario even worse ie she got defensive or better ie she was mortified and apologised
😐

Nina tame on Insta is great for this reason. You owe no one an explanation. If she wanted it to be a teachable moment, she could talk to her girls herself.

She must work for MNHQ - that is pretty much the answer we always get when we complain about the frequent threads slamming people with disabilities as benefit frauds etc. "There's some useful education going on and people are challenging the views". Apparently MNHQ are also fond of teachable moments, as opposed to, say, removing offensive threads/ comments about people with disabilities.

@Londontoderby And basic sensitivity means recognising people can be disabled for reasons they may not want to disclose. An attempted suicide attempt, violence from an ex partner, etc. It is not the case for everyone that any answer is an easy answer.

Its like asking people why they do not have kids.

I agree that if she'd doubled down it could have been made worse. I don't see that her being "mortified" would have made it better though. You then just have a table full of people who are all embarrassed about making the other feel bad. And besides, if you punch someone in the nose saying sorry afterwards doesn't make the initial nose-punch any less twattish or any more forgivable.