AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

I'm always happy to be asked if I need a hand. I'm a human being and the acknowledgment goes a long way.

Everyone - please ask before roaring ahead and moving someone. You wouldn't touch another adult who's on two feet so treat wheelchair users exactly the same way.

😊

I’d have taught her how to fuck off.

My sibling is in a wheelchair and gets very fucked off with people asking things about them to the people with them, rather than direct.

I used to work with someone who used a wheelchair, she could walk but it was limited and I think painful so unless it was a short walk she would be in her chair. She dealt with intrusive people by standing up, taking a few steps and shouting, "Praise the Lord, I can walk. It's a miracle." People would scatter.

Absolutely this. I tell my children (privately) that there are many possible reasons for many things, none of which are any of our business. She was really crass.

Horrendous manners. So tactless it's almost laughable. HOWEVER playing devil's advocate here. I almost don't blame her. You see so much shit on social media nowadays saying "don't let your children stare, come and ASK me about my disabilities, I'd be happy to explain to your children why I walk/talk/look the way I do". So I think she probably thought she was being progressive and modern 😂 cringe but I don't blame her

My best stock response is what someone said earlier, I am a person not a teaching moment, you shouldn’t ask such personal questions.

Some people have no clue and are thoughtless, inconsiderate and ignorant.

In other words, you dealt with it fine and it’s her, not you, that should be worried about being rude.

How appalling.
The first reply that came to my mind was "I was having sex standing up, and I fell over".

Of course you are being reasonable.

It’s unlikely to happen again (because she’s a weirdo) but if it does you can whoever it is that they are rude and how would they like to be a teachable moment. Twat.

She was incredibly rude and I think you were more civil than she deserved.

I find this sort of thing especially irritating because I’ve had hellish experiences with my dad in a wheelchair.

He’s got dementia and severe arthritis. I’ve taken him out before and he’s panicked and become very distressed, screaming, hitting me, trying to throw him self out of the chair etc.

Believe me, no one is looking for a learning opportunity then. They are more concerned with either running in the opposite direction or laughing and filming.

Is it OK to politely ask though? You're quizzing a stranger about their medical history in public - is that OK in any situation?

Good god ! I don't really have much else to say teachable moment my arse ,!

Normally it’s young children who ask, often loudly………Why is that person in a wheelchair, got a mark on their face, etc etc.

We as parents then try to shush them and say we’ll explain later. (And when alone so that the person in question isn’t upset.)

But this woman, for all her good educative intentions, took it to the next level. Whilst she asked you were put on the spot and objectified.

Her actions were inappropriate and uncalled for. I’d have left too - and hopefully not caused a scene.

If you were my DW and I’d been there I’d have found it hard not to say a few words.

Unrestrained nosiness, even if on the behalf of others, can cause a great deal of upset for all. Teachable moment - my arse.

Please don’t let it stop you going out.

Bit odd.

I would have been sorely tempted to use HER as a 'teachable moment' about how not to be a crass, entitled asshole.

I suppose there's a time and a place. Perhaps because you appeared so open and friendly by letting her share the table, she didn't think the question would offend you. That could actually a hint that on the outside you may appear to be coping fantastically and inspire random strangers so much that they felt comfortable enough to as because you appeared so comfortable with your situation.

I think sometimes people are just SO full of how lovely and inclusive they are they fail to realise that most people are just getting on with their lives rather than experiencing “a moment”. I’m reminded of a visitor to our houses talking about her toddler who had spent much of the visit joining my minimally verbal autistic teen while he watched cartoons. At the end of the visit the parent felt moved to tell me how “really good with him” her child was. There are muggles everywhere.

Of course YANBU!!! Glad you said no.

I think the replies here are overly assumptive of bad intentions. Which is the increasing norm for MN as it goes these days.

I think the woman was sincere and truthfully thought to teach her daughters respect for disabled people. Yes she went about it wrong, but you don't know her background or if it just came out wrong. I suffer from a hidden disability that affects my autonomic system and gives me pretty awful brain fog, so sometimes I'll say something I would never have phrased that way were I thinking at normal pace.

You were sensitive (quite understandably) and maybe could have reacted more 'tolerantly' and politely but firmly, but ultimately you owed her nothing.

A few years ago I was in the park and saw a woman doing some watercolour painting. I stopped, and without invitation said: Morning! What a lovely painting..do you watercolour a lot?' (I've always wanted to take it up as a hobby myself) and was genuinely interested.

I got a very sharp and abrupt 'Go away!' for my trouble. She clearly came to the park to be left alone and was probably fed up to the back teeth of being intruded upon by annoying, but eager questioners. Lesson learned! But my intentions were not to be rude or 'nosey' it really was sincere curiousity and to establish a bit of human connection. I suspect this woman also wasn't deliberately trying to be rude, even if it was ultimately a thoughtless action.

It's a shame that the children didn't get anything positive in the interaction though and doubtless the woman in question was forced to reflect on her tactfulness.

I'm not sure why you're so focused on this but to answer you... No I didn't clock her expression as I had to turn my back to get to leave. I was looking down at my wheels/feet as I can't judge the width of the chair without looking. I also felt embarrassed and didn't really want to look at her. DH was getting DD and her various belongings together so didn't even really clock the situation at all until we'd left as the cafe was getting busy and he wanted to get us all home with the minimum of fuss.

I've just been linked to that thread. I can only comment on my own personal experience but I must admit the opening post of the other thread is very relatable to me right now.

Thank you again for your reassurances. Now to work out what to say next time I'm asked ( as we all know that there will bloody be one!)

You really don't need to go into any details. If you feel that you must say something, we taught ds to say something like "my legs don't work very well".

Personally when out with ds I have no issue when people politely ask questions, generally it’s children and with no bad intent. I would rather a child ask “what’s that going into his tummy” than an adult sit there staring! But nobody should assume they can demand details or put their child’s education on the shoulders of someone else.

That’s awful! So her ‘teachable moment’ involved othering you and asking you to explain yourself?! Disgusting. The best thing she could teach her children is that people are different in many ways and that’s ok. There is zero need to highlight difference as everyone is equal. I think you did incredibly well to be so restrained.