AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

I've used a wheelchair all my life. This will always annoy the hell out of me. I will sometimes answer if children ask. If I want to. But you're not unreasonable at all. She was.

Rude and intrusive. If anyone said that to me, I would have been very pointed back. My disability is no one's teachable moment.

The only ‘teachable moment’ here is that this ridiculous woman needs teaching not to be an interfering, inappropriate shit.
So sorry OP. I hope you are ok and adjust to your condition in time.

I'm an amputee (upper limb so sometimes people don't notice) but children find it fascinating and I'm happy to talk about it and what happened, but I'd be so pissed off if an adult described me as a 'teachable moment'!

She was rude. Really rude and insensitive.

The teaching that needs to happen here is that not every curious or nosey thought, by a child or otherwise, needs to be satisfied. She could perfectly well tell her children herself in general terms why someone might need a wheelchair.

Bloody hell - how crass is she? - 'teachable moment' my arse! I hope you're OK and you are certainly not being unreasonable 😡

@MrsWidgerysLodger
My goodness..that's awful of her.
Our Dad needed a Wheelchair , but he absolutely refused to use it outside the house.
He was so embarrassed , a woman asking him this would have absolutely destroyed him.

A Wheelchair can be for many reasons..and the reason is no one else's business.

Depending on their age, I could get it if the kids had asked, as there seems to be a definite "why does that man have one arm/drawings on his face/silly hair/look like a lady?!" at top volume phase.😬

But the mother? That is terrible. You weren't at their school to give a bloody talk ffs.

There is no reason the mum couldn't have explained the concept of disability, or why people might need wheelchairs to her kids, without finding a stranger to bother about it.

How awful.

It’s like she views you as a prop for the betterment of her children. It might even have been better if she’d just come out and asked “Why are you in a wheelchair?” Still rude but at least not trying to make you feel like you are somehow obliged to society to explain yourself.

Well, I think you did perfectly at offering a teachable moment, and hopefully the woman will reflect that she was intrusive and inappropriate and learn from her experience. Good job, OP!

How would she have reacted if you had said, can I ask you if having children was easy for you or you had any miscarriages or infertility issues as it would be a teachable moment.

She was a rude nosy cow.

I use a wheelchair when my illness flares up. When I get asked why I use a wheelchair by total strangers I always wish I had the courage to say something like I went swimming at the local beach and was attacked by a massive shark.

I'm waiting on spinal surgery and also have rheumatoid arthritis flare ups, so often walk like a robot using a stick. It's amazing the number of people who comment and offer advice. Yesterday's gem was "Have you tried Tiger Balm?"

Some folk don't know when to keep their trap shut! Good luck with your new chair OP.

how about ‘I’m a person, not a teachable moment. But if you need a teachable moment I think you have a good one here in not expecting strangers to answer quite personal questions.’

People manage to come out with most inappropriate things. A number of years ago I was doing work with some wounded soldiers and a member of public asked me if he could ask questions to one of lads I was with. I had to point out that it was the chaps legs that had been blown off not his ears, so maybe ask him!

The only teachable moment there is that it's impolite and inappropriate to ask people about their medical history. I would've declined under the guise of not wanting to teach them bad habits!

Yes, I think there is a difference if a child asks a genuine question and a parent using it to 'teach'

Still up to you of course

Next time this happens you need to spend 20 minutes berating the person for expecting you to use your spoons for unpaid emotional labour. See how they like that teachable moment.

YANBU. You are under no obligation to share your private medical information with people you don't know. Your comfort is far more important than a strangers discomfort at being told 'no' when they ask what is, after all, a very personal question.

I used to be hugely uncomfortable going out in my wheelchair or my mobility scooter, and I do still feel self-conscious from time to time. Look up the wonderful Nina Tame - she helped me to turn my attitude to my disablity around and to put myself first when it comes to interacting with other people.

I progressed from a manual wheelchair to a powered one many years ago now, and after having all sorts of (minor to be fair) problems with joe public over the years, my worst are always in a medical setting! It might not sound much on paper, but everytime I go into a GP's room - I know, that particular issue is very rare these days, as like many, I can't get face to face appointments except in emergencies - or a Consultant's room at a hospital, the doctor will stare at me as I negotiate the often 'too narrow' doorways, and then manoeuvre my chair in a small room with hardly any floor space in it, and then they always say

"oh you drove that very well, ha ha",

and I invariably reply,

"well I will probably crash into something now you have said that, ha ha!"

When what I want to say is:

"Stop bloody staring at me, would you like me to stare at you while you were trying to reverse into a difficult car parking space?"

When I first got my powered chair, reversing out of lifts was a nightmare. People would be queuing to get in, so would reluctantly stand back when they realised that I wasn't coming out until they made room for me (I don't have reversing mirrors), then as I was new to it at the beginning - although the people watching me intently, obviously didn't know that I was a learner - would call out to me "oi, you need learner plates love!", or "oh, your good at that!", both of which were as bad as each other. I am quite shy in crowds, and with any strangers really, so even though I was a late middle-aged woman when I first started using my chair (I'm an OAP now without the "P" yet), I was very embarrassed by the stares and the comments.

I wish you all the luck in the world @MrsWidgerysLodger and please try not to be embarrassed about using your chair, because as you know, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. However, I do understand your embarrassment about not only feeling different to the norm, but also by the fact that it often feels like you are going around with an anormous arrow in the air above you, pointing down at you! Of course there isn't an arrow, and if your wheelchair use is unfortunately likely to be longterm, you do get used to it - except for the times when people like medical professionals who should know better, don't act as if they do 🙄
🥀🌻🌷🪻🌸 for you OP.

Holy shit. People should NEVER ask about disabilities.
you are not the one who came off as rude.

hope her daughters learned not to act like their mother.

Very very rude of her and I despise when people use the phrase teachable moment because they always mean they are doing the ‘teaching’ (lecturing). In your case rude bag wanted to lecture her children via you.

I think you were very restrained and not at all rude OP. I am so sorry you encountered this rude and completely insensitive woman and that she upset you. I hope it doesn't dent your confidence too much and you are able to get out again soon.
I had to use a wheelchair for a while after an accident, and there were only 2 occasions when I didn't mind explaining. One was when a small child asked me. He was just curious and that's ok. The other was when I bumped into an ex colleague who I hadn't seen for ages and who hadn't heard my news on the grapevine. She blurted out "OMG what's happened" in the middle of Tesco, and then got very flustered and apologised profusely, but actually I didn't mind. Given that the last time she saw me we were doing a sport together she was allowed to be shocked. But nosey strangers I told to mind their own business a couple of times and had anyone used the words "teachable moment" I would have had a strong urge to slap them.
You don't become public property when you need a wheelchair and you are absolutely entitled to privacy.

I would invent a silly stock response to satisfy kids who are being appropriately curious. I would also prepare a response for nosey adults. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling the truth and I agree in principle it's really rude to ask.

It's entirely your business and your business alone, why you're in a wheelchair. You are not obliged to divulge that information to anyone, except maybe emergency workers should you have occasion to need their help.
Next time, tell her the teachable moment is learning about, how to mind your own bloody business and learn some manners!
Hope you're claiming PIP n stuff btw.

Yanbu. That woman must have the IQ of a knat.