AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

If a child asked a stranger why they are in a wheelchair, it would be the parent’s job to use that as a teachable moment about manners!

Your reaction was very restrained!

I. used a wheelchair for extended periods... Sadlt this happens a lot!

Astounded.
No you were not rude, she was!

OP that’s awful! I can’t believe she said that. To relate, I was diagnosed with something almost 18 years ago that didn’t turn out as badly as first thought but I was in a position where a wheelchair was discussed and on the table and I completely relate to having to come to terms with that and I do understand what it’s like to sit in one for the first time? I’m just disgusted with that woman for asking that of you, that’s horrific! I hope she was absolutely mortified, you did well not to smack her in the chops! I hope you never have to meet anyone like that again in your life. As a pp said, if one of the children had asked, that’s totally different but the mum? How awful! I hope you’re ok, I get that what you’re going through is really hard and painful enough as it is. X

If the children really wanted to know they would just ask. I have a disabled son and daughter (not physical) but obvious they have LD. I would rather they ask than point and stare. But not everyone feels that way.

Wow! I’m so sorry this happened to you. You weren’t rude at all but if you were, it would be an entirely deserved “reachable moment” for her to be told to fuck right off. Be prepared to have complete strangers wheel you out of their way in supermarkets, etc too. People are absolute arseholes.

YANBU. I’m amazed she wasn’t patting herself on the back as she asked you. Stupid woman

She was beyond rude. No manners. Please don't let this keep you from going out.

Handled that really well I think.

She was rude to presume she could use you as a teachable moment for her children.

I asked my Mum once 'why is that person in a wheelchair' and she said 'how do I know, ask them' and I said 'I don't want to...' and she said 'of course not, because it would be rude!'. Hopefully if I had, she'd have stopped me!

I generally don't mind if kids ask without their parent realising they're going to - they're kids, they haven't learned all this shit yet. However depending on my mood my answers my vary from:

'Thats personal information I don't want to share'

'My legs don't work very well'

'I fell off my Unicorn and got bitten by a shark...'

Anyway, she wanted a teachable moment, and she got one 'don't ask personal questions of strangers!'.

The mother sounds like she lacks empathy and is pretty thick for want of a better expression. You handled it well. Hopefully her kids will not be like her.

There's plenty of ways to teach your children about diversity that don't involve asking a complete stranger to divulge their private medical history. Appalling behaviour, even if children ask it's your choice what to say. You shouldn't have to but maybe have a couple of responses prepared. A nice one for kids and one that politely puts people in their place.

I hate that phrase.

I've used a wheelchair post-injury. Using a wheelchair is a complex thing, and different for every user. It's not just, "She's in a wheelchair", it's all the things endured before getting to that point. I was honest, I had a work-related accident but for many it's much more emotional and psychological. At the end of the day, it's no-one else's business, and the OP is entitled to give up as much or little information as she sees fit.

How horribly rude and insensitive.

Sounds like a teaching moment for some very rude words.

"Well children, when someone is very rude and treats you as if you don't have feelings, it's ok to tell them to FUCK OFF AND GO SCREW THEMSELVES. Now repeat after me..."

One of my children was born with a severe cleft and was treated at GOSH from a few days old.

As a shell-shocked mum, miles away from home, with a tiny baby facing her first big surgery, I was very emotional and protective. I took her in the pushchair for a short trip around the corridors.

A lady with two children felt the need to loudly announce to everyone that 'G*d had made a bit of a mistake when making my baby, but the doctors were going to cut and mend it so she would be all normal'.

She could have waited until you had gone and explained the different reasons why someone might need a wheelchair. She didn’t need to involve you. She was rude

Don't worry about it, OP - you dealt with it swiftly and politely, and without making a fuss. The intrusive audacity of some people is railroadingly odd.

What is missing from your account is how she responded when you said you didn’t want to talk about it.

She’s the rude one op, definitely not you

I think what she was probably trying to get at was teaching her kids that you shouldn't do the awkward shying away from visible disabilities, and if they have questions, it's ok to politely ask them, but you have to accept a refusal with good grace.

However, I think she handled it appallingly. She made you feel like shit, made herself look like a bellend, and has probably taught her kids the exact opposite.

Surely the only way to use meeting someone in a wheelchair as a 'teachable moment' is to treat them in the same way you'd treat someone who's not in a wheelchair?!

She prob also takes her kids to environmental marches in her Diesel SUV and post pictures in the gram about how she’s so proud of teaching her kids to #lovetheirplanet, numerous woke books on her bookshelf she’s never read and praying for the day at least one her kids reveals they’re non binary.

next time just tell them to fuck off, turn to the kids and say the main thing to take from this is you have a mother using you to prove what a “wonderful #bekind person” she is.

Unfortunately lots of people either don’t see differently abled people as people, or they see them as 100% also having profound learning difficulties. Its a far too common problem, it also isn’t helped that society is pushing against differently abled people, moaning about bluebadge spaces, being jealous of PIP, telling differently abled people they’re a drain on the NHS etc.

My husband has an obvious physical disability, and he has had this from adults using him as a circus prop for their children. Then there are the adults without children who talk to him like a small child. Lots of adults don’t have any manners, so it isn’t surprising so many children don’t.

Yanbu.
That is gross and inappropriate. Your medical history is your business and absolutely no one else's and she had no right to put you in that position.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this

You are definitely not unreasonable. People are so rude when it comes to disability. I am deaf and the number of people who say “you don’t look/sound deaf” are unreal. I always wonder what a deaf person looks like?!

OP unfortunately you will probably get more idiots like this with her " teachable moments". You could talk back to her through the children and say " we need to teach your mummy/ daddy not too ask such personal and rude questions don't we?"