AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

This.

How insensitive she was and all about her and her family. Entitled and selfish and probably has no idea she was whilst talking about the poor lady in the wheelchair.

You really don't need to go into any details. If you feel that you must say something, we taught ds to say something like "my legs don't work very well".

That's a good response. It may or may not be true , but should satisfy the woman and won't leave OP feeling flustered .

I'm not assuming bad intentions. Clearly the woman wanted her child to learn about disabilities and to perhaps have some understanding and respect for those in wheelchairs. However, she was completely insensitive. I can imagine she was more focused (perhaps smug) about what a good mother she was for educating her daughter than actually considering the feelings of the person involved. I hope this experience will teach her to be more mindful in future.

@MrsWidgerysLodger I’m a wheelchair user and personally wouldn’t have minded this, but you were well within your rights to tell her to do one of you weren’t. It’s a very personal thing, some people are happy to discuss their situation and others aren’t. Although it is usually children themselves who ask questions, not their parents.

I have an (apparently) unusual wheelchair and always joke I should get shares in the company because of the number of people who stop me and ask about it!

"you go first - can you explain to my daughter how you managed to reach adulthood with no manners and so little self awareness? I am sure it would be a teachable moment for her"

That absolutely takes the biscuit for sheer block~headed arrogance on his part.

The type of ''Christian'' who thinks they have a direct link to God?
The sort of person whop believes God would 'Punish' people, inc newborn babies for angering him/her?

I'm stunned.

Awful thing to have had said to you.

"You're right, it's a teachable moment, and the lesson is that it's wrong to ask strangers personal questions in public. If you do you should apologise."

Exactly. And actually once ds was old enough to answer I'd suggest they ask him rather than asking me about him. So I guess those kids got a "teachable moment" and learned that disabled people have a voice too.

ANY of us can end up needing a Wheelchair. This is what a lot of people forget.

Doorways and kerbs are not made easy, and as for cars parked all over pavements..it should be illegal.

@ValleyClouds
A German tourist once approached me in a train station and said he didn't know what a nice girl like me had done to offend God but he would definitely pray for me - I was so flabbergasted I just said to my regret OK.

Outrageous arse.
What I'm currently thinking about that man would more than "offend God"...

I'm sorry, but that is so ... German.

I was regularly offered money for sex as a teenager, because waiting at the station for a friend = you are a prostitute.

It would be useful if this little girl learnt not to ask strangers personal questions, and to wait for people to volunteer information even when they are friends. Maybe you could develop a response along those lines when approached by a parent? Your answer was very restrained, though. Hopefully the mum got the message.

One of my friends had her leg amputated. Children often ask her what happened - but in a childish way. She's always happy to explain to them in an age-appropriate manner. She would not be happy to be a "teachable moment", though, and would give the mother much shorter shrift than you did, OP!

If you did come across as rude it matters not at all, so please put that out of your mind. You are allowed to be as rude as you like when someone is so unbelievably rude to you. How dare she? "Teachable moment" indeed! She has certainly taught her children something - a lesson one can only hope they will forget.

I have poor mobility and a limp and walk with a stick. Very occasionally a small child will ask what I have the stick for and I am happy to tell them, in suitable language. On the few occasions this has happened, the parent has looked most embarrassed. A small child asking this is understandable; a grown adult is not.

She has the social skills of a gnat; and I absolutely understand how you must have felt. It is all part of the objectification of people who have disabilities, so they become "the disabled" rather than people in their own right.

I am totally blown away by "teachable moment" - it beggars belief.

Why should the OP be ‘tolerant’ of an able-bodied woman randomly demanding her medical history to teach her kids about people in wheelchairs?

She deserved no tolerance. It’s phenomenally and mind-blowingly intrusive.

The OP isn’t a sideshow or an exhibit, she doesn’t exist for a privileged and able-bodied woman to teach her kids about the poor, unfortunate wheelchair users.

The OP owed her nothing. And hopefully the OP’s clear distress and rapid exit made the silly idiot think about what she did. Though I doubt it. She probably thinks she was being wonderfully inclusive and the OP was rude for rebutting her. And she would be wrong.

@oakleaffy You know what really gets me lately? The wretched hire bikes that are simply propped up in the middle of the pavement. And the ones left blocking the slopes in the curve of roads

It gives me the rage. The companies who make these bikes need to take responsibility for stupid users, because some have been left so obstructively it has to be intentional.

YANBU. She could have done it quietly while sitting by their table, but nooo, probably whole cafe had to see and hear how good parent she is while loudly explaining why nice lady is in the wheelchair. Fuck off 😂

Does this happen often, op? I've definitely read this exact scenario before.

she was rude and you have nothing to apologise for. What an ignorant woman. Well done for going to the cafe, not easy. Don’t let it put you off . Fortunately not everyone is like her xx

I have no idea! As per my post this was my first proper outing in the chair. I hope not as I felt really awkward.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods The OP owed her nothing

@DysonSpheres But ultimately, you owed her nothing

How very rude of her! My granddaughter once said in a loud voice, 'why has that girl got no hair?' which I was mortified by. I did explain to her later (she was 5 at the time) that we don't call attention to the way people look.
I think you were right to be upset by the incident and I hope nothing like that ever happens again.

Be prepared it will definitely happen again...and again....

But hopefully not too frequently!😁

And yet you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that more tolerance from the OP wouldn’t have gone amiss. Which I disagree with.

You have nothing to feel bad about. Incredibly rude behaviour to ask, especially when there had been no dialogue naturally leading up to such an intrusive question. Can you imagine if we all approached total strangers who might provide us with teachable moments? The blind man, the disabled child, the amputee? I mean, really!