AIBU to not want to be a "teachable moment"

[MrsWidgerysLodger]

So I've very recently found myself needing a wheelchair and we visited a local cafe after picking up DD from school this afternoon. We purposely chose this cafe as it's kid friendly, lots of floor space and very close to our home.

As it started to get busy a woman a s her two daughters asked if they could share our table, no issues with that there was plenty of room. When we went to leave however, she asked if I could tell her daughters why I was in a wheelchair and actually used the phrase "teachable moment". I completely wasn't expecting it so kind of panicked and said I didn't really want to talk about it and we left.

So not to drip feed, this was one of my first "outings" in the chair. It's taken a lot for me to admit I need one so MAY be a bit sensitive still when asked about it.

I'm.now wondering if IWBU not to explain myself to these two girls.

My DH says it's fine and no-one has a right to know but I can't help thinking I may have appeared rude which I absolutely didn't want to do. I just wasn't prepared to be asked that question and TBH I'm still not sure how I feel about being called a "teachable moment"

Hoping for some unbiased perspective.

Not your scenario op but DS has a disability as a baby that requires equipment so was physically obvious. The number of people asking me what was wrong with him, what had happened to him, oh poor baby (bonny smiley baby who loved attention from adults so despite the tubes stuck to his face was clearly happy with life) etc, it really doesn't surprise me.
People who sounded like they pitied me or my child would get a short, brusque answer. People trying to shush their kids or keep their kids away would her me directly engaging them and me explaining simplistically to the kids because I won't feel like we should be ashamed. Anyone who asked nicely got the whole history and could ask nearly anything 😂.

I also compared it to glasses a lot. "you know how your mommy wears glasses to help her eyes, well he has that time to help him eat and that I've to help him breathe, that's all"

People can be rude, and then other people compound it by saying "ooh they're just being FRIENDLY!!". ER no, in this instance you're just both rude

Breathtakingly rude and the only thing that needed to be 'taught' is to mind her own business.

Even if DC asked a wheelchair user directly, I would be teaching them not to ask personal questions. Fortunately mine are already aware there are a multitude of reasons someone may use a wheelchair and see it as normal life

You are definitely not being unreasonable, other people with disabilities or not shouldn’t be “teachable moments” for her DC. If she really wants to explain, there are lots of informative books, websites and tv programmes about people with disabilities using wheelchairs.

My DB’s FIL is a paraplegic in a wheelchair (stroke and cerebral palsy), he’s a lovely man but I’m sure if anyone asked him or his family to explain his wheelchair use for a “teachable moment” they’d soon get short shrift (he’s an ex head teacher, his DW is an ex solicitor etc).

Agreed if the kids had asked it wouldn’t have been as bad, you still shouldn’t feel you have to explain to them though.

@DysonSpheres Sounds like it comes under the heading ‘she meant well’ and it’s my experience that people who ‘mean well’ are normally thoughtless, entitled, bad mannered people.

You will probably go out another 100 times without a similar comment, don't let it put you off, but a stock answer for kids (kind) and adults (less so) may help.

I'm sorry that happened to you, the woman was rude and insensitive, you handled it well.

What an awful woman. Of course YANBU.

Such a sense of entitlement and superiority, to want to invade your privacy and dignity for her own benefit. SHE was rude. You leaving instead of telling her what an arse she was being was incredibly tactful and restrained.

It would have been cool to have had the presence of mind to say "of course - kids, here's your teachable moment. Other people have digity and are worthy of respect, and your mother seems to be teaching you to ignore that, and to feel free to invade other people's personal time and space for your own benefit. Please try to remember that your mother is not correct about this"

• however, yes that probably would have been less dignified than your decision to just leave.

Unfortunately it is.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, OP.

I have a conditions that means I need a stick on some days. It's only recently got to that point, so I'm still tackling the awkwardness and self-consciousness when I take my stick out with me. So far, no weird reactions from strangers, but several totally bizarre reactions from friends.

That woman was totally inappropriate. Another example of how our society sees visibly disabled people as "public property", or as sock puppets for their own smug saviour fantasies.

I hope you're ok and this hasn't ruined your confidence in using the mobility aids you need. You deserve peace and privacy.

She was appallingly rude!

The wretched hire bikes that are simply propped up in the middle of the pavement.
Argh, we have those everywhere too - and scooters, here - often two together. I think people are trying to leave them where they are clearly visible to help the next user find them. And it's young people who've never pushed a buggy or needed space on the pavement for other reasons. (My children are just that age ... hope they are not as inconsiderate!)

Totally intrusive and inappropriate to ask you that.
In the future I’d be tempted to make up a back story for my own amusement. I’m between ‘shark attack’ and ‘I got attacked for being too noisy in a cafe’.

Id have said “this is a teachable moment for my DC too, why are you such a rude cow”

Please have a look at Nina Tam on facebook and instagram. No-one is entitled to ask. It feeds into the whole narrative that disabilities are something 'wrong'. The lady should be teaching her children that people use mobility aids for all sorts of reasons, that there is nothing wrong with that and to respect other people.

Nina Tame

The teachable moment was when the woman and her daughters had to stop to consider not everyone around them is there to service their own needs/curiosities

PS well done for showing your own DD that you’re entitled to privacy / can say no.

I have a physical ‘difference’ and because it’s not seen as a disadvantage to most, I get asked about it all the time (sometimes complimented on it). It’s bothered me my whole life. Sometimes I’m assertive enough to say no I don’t want to discuss, none of your business, but other times it disarms me

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods My employer is very hot on diversity training. I am always careful to address the customer directly and NEVER touch their chair without their permission.

God yes

Please don’t worry it was absolutely not ok for her to ask in that way. I have a family member who is disabled and he was always taught to say, politely, that it is absolutely not anyone’s business if he doesn’t feel like explaining it to someone. If he wants to then of course that’s fine. But his choice. I’ve also been listening to liz carr on desert island disks saying that she deliberately doesn’t identify her condition as it is an obsession for everyone to label people and then just put everyone in a box with that label, which is especially damaging for disabled people.

If I was feeling charitable I might have said something along the lines of the best way to treat someone with a disability is exactly the same way as anyone else, and absolutely the worst thing you can do is ask about their disability at the first point you meet them. If I was feeling uncharitable I think I would have told her that her approach was backwards, othering and that no one owes her an explanation plus using the phrase teachable moment is deserving of a special place in linguistic hell, so on balance I think you did pretty well!

Yes, please don't touch my chair or think you're being helpful by pushing me over a zebra crossing without asking. And yes, this does happen. Ditto people moving my chair while I'm in it like I'm a piece of furniture

You handled it beautifully OP: quick and straight to the point. And I hope your tone of voice reinforced the message. My DD and her friends have various additional needs and I don’t want such idiots like this woman being out asking stupid questions.

Big thanks to those who recommended Nina Tame. Reading some of her posts now and it is making me rethink how I view the chair a bit. Looking forward to when I'm a bit more proficient and can chase DD around the park in it, or race her on her bike!

It wouldn't have gone amiss. What's wrong with a bit of tolerance in the face of provocation?

As a principle it can rarely be wrong. I know it's not as fashionable a stance these days as giving vent to whatever emotion comes first and standing by one's rights however.

It isn't owed, true. But it's a gift when extended.