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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DS to go to the best university?

419 replies

Oilrigger · 23/03/2023 14:36

DS now has five offers from universities: three Russell Group, one a well-regarded uni but not RG and one a newer university (former poly years ago) offering him BBC (he is predicted AAB). The courses are pretty similar at all five unis (can't go into more detail because he would be furious if he found out I was posting on MN!).

He is adamant that he wants to go to the former poly because he likes it the most. He also reasons that he will have a more enjoyable and less pressurised time there and that he is more likely to get a good class of degree (2.1 or 1st) from the ex-poly - rather than a 2.2 from a Russell Group uni that he just scrapes into. So he is going to firm the ex-poly (he won't have/need an insurance as it is his lowest offer).

AIBU to want him to firm one of the more prestigious Russell Group unis and insure the former poly? DH says I am as it is DS' decision and he's the one who will be going to uni.

OP posts:
PicaK · 23/03/2023 14:38

Without knowing the course and the universities we really can't help you

AnnoyedFromSlough · 23/03/2023 14:39

It has to be his decision, whether you like it or not.

If he goes to his choice of uni and it doesn't work out like he hopes - so be it. If he goes to the one you want him to go to, and it doesn't work out for him - do you want to have that on your conscience? How do you think that would be, going forward?

cocksstrideintheevening · 23/03/2023 14:40

PicaK · 23/03/2023 14:38

Without knowing the course and the universities we really can't help you

This

watcherintherye · 23/03/2023 14:41

Yes, you are (BU). Not unreasonable to discuss possible advantages/disadvantages of different unis, but totally unreasonable to expect your ds to do what you think best rather than what he wants.

Yankeedoodlemandy · 23/03/2023 14:41

he has to go where he will be happiest . That’s number one. He. Will a bone more and mental health is everything.

lots of employers now haven’t got access to where you did your degree only what you did and what grade.

Sirzy · 23/03/2023 14:41

if has to be his decision. It is his life and he has to go where he thinks he will enjoy life and do best

PeekAtYou · 23/03/2023 14:43

Your son is the one who'll be paying back this loan and doing the work while there so I agree with your h that it is 100% up to your son.

There are rankings according to subject - it's possible that he is making the smart choice by picking the ex poly.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/03/2023 14:43

I agree with your DS, his choice, his future. Happiness is more important than a RG uni! He sounds great.

Viewfrommyhouse · 23/03/2023 14:43

Why do you want him to firm an RG offer and not his 1st choice?

Original poster
Oilrigger · 23/03/2023 14:44

"lots of employers now haven’t got access to where you did your degree only what you did and what grade"

Amazed by this if true. So there's literally no advantage in going to a prestigious uni like Oxford or St Andrews when it comes to getting a job? That does make me feel better about the ex-poly!

OP posts:
Choconut · 23/03/2023 14:46

Surely what we all aspire to be is happy? If this uni makes him feel happy then why would you try to make him go somewhere else he doesn't feel happy about?

Original poster
Oilrigger · 23/03/2023 14:47

"There are rankings according to subject - it's possible that he is making the smart choice by picking the ex poly."

The ex poly is firmly in the bottom half of the subject ranking tables though so not in this case. It does score highly for graduate employability and student satisfaction though.

OP posts:
TheChoiceIsYours · 23/03/2023 14:48

There’s a lot of snobbery around ‘former polys’. As someone who has studied at one, as well as a RG university, the quality of course and the teaching was STREETS ahead at the old poly. There was a general air of striving for improvement and betterment, aiming high and pushing the boundaries. Staff were more dynamic, with a more forward thinking and I suppose energetic approach to research and teaching. At the RG uni I felt there was a huge amount of navel gazing and a slightly smug air of self satisfaction, almost. They were trading off their reputation and the teaching quality just didn’t back it up.

So, don’t assume that RG means best because in my experience that absolutely wasn’t the case.

TeenDivided · 23/03/2023 14:48

Choconut · 23/03/2023 14:46

Surely what we all aspire to be is happy? If this uni makes him feel happy then why would you try to make him go somewhere else he doesn't feel happy about?

Because the OP rightly or wrongly think a better university will lead to a better education and a better job, leading to more long term happiness?
I think it is a fair thing to ask.

Stugs · 23/03/2023 14:50

Dc1 went to Swansea despite getting an offer from Bath. I was really worried but he loved it, got a first and is now training to be a medic. BUT Swansea did have some fantastic lecturers and he was pushed. Your dc might regret not being among other AAA students in a year or so.

privateeyeeye · 23/03/2023 14:50

Mate it will All Be Your Fault if he goes to an RG and hates it and drops out. Why do it to yourself ?!?!

nokidshere · 23/03/2023 14:51

It has to be his decision really. He's the one spending 3 yrs of his life there after all.

DS1 is just applying for jobs now after Uni and a PP is right, lots of the applications don't want CVs, sex, name of uni, even degree grades in some cases, they assess them purely on suitability from the person and skills specs.

cartagenagina · 23/03/2023 14:53

Honestly, when recruiting, I would consider a 2:2 from a Uni like Kings to be the equivalent of a first from a Uni like Winchester.

However, YABU to get too involved in DS decision. It could come back to bite you in the bum if he claims at a future date that you pressured him into choosing Exeter when he really wanted Brighton and he hates it. You will have “ruined his life. “

Best to just offer practical support like lifts and train fares.

Namechanger355 · 23/03/2023 14:53

What’s the course and uni??

I help with recruitment for one of the larger employers in the uk - we don’t pay as much attention to the university as the grade and extra curricular to be honest.

Wombats23 · 23/03/2023 14:55

I've been to both an RG & an ex-poly for 1st degrees.

The ex-poly degree course was far better than the RG one, where the academics were irritated by having to teach UGs. It was also vocational with excellent links to industry & very well-regarded. It's not a blanket decision, its very course dependent on whether it's the "best". The RG course was mediocre in an otherwise excellent Uni but was not particularly well thought of at that time.

The best course is one where the dc is happy & transitions well into self-directed studying & enjoys themselves. I think it helps to have a good fit too. Lonely otherwise. Expensive to be unhappy these days.

Not your decision. Not your life.

Original poster
Oilrigger · 23/03/2023 14:57

privateeyeeye · 23/03/2023 14:50

Mate it will All Be Your Fault if he goes to an RG and hates it and drops out. Why do it to yourself ?!?!

V good point!

OP posts:
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 23/03/2023 14:59

PicaK · 23/03/2023 14:38

Without knowing the course and the universities we really can't help you

This. Some courses, he’s absolutely correct. Other courses, not so much.

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 23/03/2023 15:00

cartagenagina · 23/03/2023 14:53

Honestly, when recruiting, I would consider a 2:2 from a Uni like Kings to be the equivalent of a first from a Uni like Winchester.

However, YABU to get too involved in DS decision. It could come back to bite you in the bum if he claims at a future date that you pressured him into choosing Exeter when he really wanted Brighton and he hates it. You will have “ruined his life. “

Best to just offer practical support like lifts and train fares.

Do you work in graduate recruitment? If so, yeesh

Original poster
Oilrigger · 23/03/2023 15:00

@Wombats23 @TheChoiceIsYours so good to have your perspective, thank you.
@nokidshere I am amazed by this! Makes me feel much better about the ex-poly.
@Stugs Glad to hear your DS enjoyed Swansea and it all worked out for him!

OP posts:
Chickenly · 23/03/2023 15:03

People seem to forget that RG status was based on research, not study. Often, a strong research programme is actively disadvantageous to undergraduate study.

In my field, quite a few firms are going/have gone/are considering going university blind in their applications.

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