DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

Does he have kids?

I wouldn’t personally but if she has money to burn 🤷‍♀️

He's entitled to his own opinion

Well that’s a horrible thing to say. It would put me off him a bit tbh.

Yes, we have two.

Its fairly tame given what most posters on this site say about men who struggle to cope. Its his opinion.

I think if he hasn't grown and given birth to another human, bleed for 6 weeks whilst having major hormonal changes and bodily fluids leaking out of him for a significant period of time then his opinion means Jack shit, even if he is entitled to have one.

What does everyone else think ?

I think, I’m glad I’m not married to such a judgemental prick as your husband.

Clever her, she found herself a wife

It possibly says more about your friend's husband. Perhaps he isn't around or particularly helpful?

In any case the early days can be very hard especially if the baby is a bad sleeper. Perhaps friend is trying to avoid pnd or has health problems.

Anyway there's a big difference between an au pair and a nanny. An au pair is not much different to sending older child to nursery which many do - they just provide a few hours daytime childcare. A live in nanny who does night feeds - now that would be great!

It's weird that your husband has such strong opinions though. He sounds unpleasant and misogynist.

No mention of what fatherhood is I notice ?

I’d be quite worried TBH if my husband thought a woman refusing to struggle through motherhood is something to sneer at.

Never underestimate just how much men hate women, especially women who refuse to be trod on

I would wonder why if she found one child incredibly challenging she had another. Seems a strange thing to do.

I don't think it says 'a lot about him'

I'd think it was a stupid comment and I'd ask him why he thinks it - anything he might say after that might say more about him.

I would find it a bit surprising that someone who is not working has hired a full time live in nanny. It wouldn't be my choice & I don't know anyone who has done this - or could afford to. But it's an individual choice & I wouldn't say someone was a 'joke' for doing it

He sounds jealous.

It's a rare man who struggles alone with a toddler and newborn - usually the mother does most of the care in the early days. If a man was alone due to being widowed or wife in hospital or something, I don't think anyone would judge him for getting extra help in!

Why would she have another child if she the first challenging ?

It completely depends! If she's on mat leave and wants to spend time with the baby, the older child needs someone to look after them. I sent older DS to nursery when I had baby, I certainly wasn't a joke. We also had a live in nanny for a bit as we had a room and it was in fact cheaper than a live out childcare solution. If her DH is useless she may need this.

Sounds to me like your DH is jealous that they can afford it, and/or doesn't realise how much work you do so having 2 children appears easier than it really is.

What does he say about the father? Or does he think it's just the mother's responsibility?

Ha ha, yeah. Smart lady. I'm jealous, I'd love someone to do all the crappy stuff like look and clean if it meant I got quality time with my kids

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

I struggled having one child but still had another. Because I knew that part of the struggle was being new to motherhood, having had a horrific birth, and not having a long enough maternity leave. I wanted a bigger family and a sibling for DD So I had another knowing exactly what I needed to do differently. To me it ‘seems strange’ to assume every experience will be exactly the same as the last in your life.

As do a lot of people on this thread!

It’s a great idea. With motherhood a lot of the struggles come from not being able to do everything that needs to be done. If you have the money to hire someone to help it sounds pretty sensible TBH. And what I’d have done if I could have afforded to ‘delegate motherhood’ (LOL!)

There really is only one thing you can do in a situation like this. Go on a holiday by yourself for two weeks. Don’t do any prep work before you go. You will have a nanny by the time you get back.