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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/03/2023 08:16

The sad thing is that she'll probably do more childcare and spend more time with her baby WITH a live-in nanny than your husband does WITHOUT one. Have you tried pointing this out to him?

I have two, including a baby, and one is inevitably getting left/warehoused in front of the TV while I tend to the other. Because I'm only one person. Having a live-in nanny wouldn't mean spending no time with my DC, it would be the difference between having to leave my hungry baby screaming while I get my older one out the door for school and not having to do this. And my eldest watching far too much TV and having dinner late because the youngest won't settle.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2023 08:17

… and obviously you can see lots of PPs illustrating this point on this thread.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 23/03/2023 08:19

@princemarry why are you inviting everyone else to judge too?

Also motherhood is not always killing yourself having two children. Plenty of people cope with 2 and more without killing themselves.

Conkersinautumn · 23/03/2023 08:20

It's definitely a telling you he's not prepared to fund a nanny/ cleaner/ gardener and is warning you you are not allowed to feel inspired by a family who've chosen to organise in this way. If you do employ anyone around the house or if hehas an assistant in his work I'd be asking how much notice he will be giving them.

pixie5121 · 23/03/2023 08:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

trytopullyoursocksup · 23/03/2023 08:20

He's saying it deliberately to get at you. He is bitching about your friend to show you that he has no respect for women in general, no respect for your friend, no respect for you, and to make sure you understand that and don't get "uppity". LTB

MerryMarigold · 23/03/2023 08:20

I'm bit bemused about why your DH is so bothered by this?

  • Is he worried you will want to follow suit (and why is that a worry if finances are not an issue)?
  • Does he have a secret crush on Sarah and is trying to get rid of it by finding things to pick on her about?
  • Was he neglected as a child, b or felt his mum didn't love him and so is actually concerned for the children in this?
  • Is he a just generally an opinionated twerp about other people's lives and this one has annoyed you particularly because you're in a similar life stage to Sarah? (Maybe he's often like this, which would drive me crazy even if it were nothing comparable to my own life).

I'm sure there are other potential reasons but it would be good to think through why he's being like this? I think that will provide a better answer than just looking at the behaviour.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2023 08:21

Do you really not know anyone who carried on sending their toddler to nursery during mat leave?

That's completely different to a full time live in nanny though.

However, everyone is free to mans their own choices and OP's DH shouldn't be judging.

FrankandWalters · 23/03/2023 08:21

trytopullyoursocksup · 23/03/2023 08:20

He's saying it deliberately to get at you. He is bitching about your friend to show you that he has no respect for women in general, no respect for your friend, no respect for you, and to make sure you understand that and don't get "uppity". LTB

Yes, there’s quite possibly an unpleasant element of ‘Don’t get any ideas’.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/03/2023 08:22

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2023 08:23

@princemarry

Your further posts paint a much worse picture of your H. He sounds awful and your relationship sounds over.

WelshTwins · 23/03/2023 08:25

Can only agree with TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl … your friend is doing what’s best for her and her children - as every mother should try to do. A lot of these comments smack of judgemental and jealousy. Your husband should probably think before he comes out with such comments.

PedroPascal · 23/03/2023 08:27

I think, in all honesty, anyone who has a nanny, or housekeeper, or aupaire, or any sort of domestic servant is going to be judged, and they probably know that when they make their decision

WTF 😂 the 19th century would like their reference to domestic servants back, please!

Anyone who judges someone else for having help can get in the sea. I've been a cleaner and a mother's help and a nanny in my time. Also a thousand other jobs that were way shittier. I now have a cleaner and a mother's help, have nursery, a childminder and grandparents help. Judge away.

pettysquabbles · 23/03/2023 08:28

princemarry · 23/03/2023 07:17

The older child is at nursery.

He's not jealous - we could afford it. It never crossed our minds to do it to be honest.

He just thinks it's wrong and mothers ' moan too much ' and ' what did they expect ? ' even though he doesn't do a great deal himself. The usual. He has no idea.

Show quote history

I'm with your DH here. If the eldest is at nursery, she's just abdicatiing parenthood and should consider what her role is as a mother. I couldn't imagine not spending time with my kids as building relationships is key. I have frinsds who have nannies and their relationships with their children are not great. I work full time and appreciate the pressure but I have a cleaner to help with domestic chores. Parenting, however, isn't outsourced as that's firmly my job.

Goldbar · 23/03/2023 08:28

Irritateandunreasonable · 23/03/2023 08:02

Is she unemployed or have any other serious commitments? If not I can’t imagine why she’d need a live in nanny for two children.

Is she suffering from PND?

I agree with your husband it’s overkill and a bit lazy if there are not other mitigating factors.

The early days really are a pressure point with two. If you don't have a supportive OH around, it can be difficult to meet even basic needs.

When I was cluster-feeding DC2 in the first few weeks, I'd struggle to find even a couple of minutes to stick some oven pizza on for DC1, getting homework and reading every night was a nightmare and I'd often be trying to discretely feed DC2 while walking to school and pushing the buggy at the same time.

A nanny for the first few months would have enabled me to meet everyone's needs, including my own to rest and recover.

If the OP's OH can't see how useful this would be, he obviously hasn't spent enough time in the trenches of parenthood.

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 08:28

OoooohMatron · 23/03/2023 08:15

Assuming she doesn't work, I find it a bit odd to be honest. Even if I was very wealthy I wouldn't outsource childcare, unless I was working. I'd outsource cleaning, ironing and all that stuff but not looking after my own kids.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you are literally handing over your children and becoming a completely unengaged parent. How many women on MN have complained how hard it is to raise children without losing themselves in the process. How many exhausted stressed mums have been on here feeling their lives are out of control? What’s wrong with having someone around who happens to be paid help to lessen the load?

Regularsizedrudy · 23/03/2023 08:29

Well you married him. What do YOU think and what are you going to do?

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:31

MultipleVeganPies · 23/03/2023 07:07

Clever her, she found herself a wife

👏 👏 👏

OutsideLookingOut · 23/03/2023 08:32

He sounds completely gross. Just ew. Reading this site is sometimes enough to put you off men

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 08:32

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2023 08:01

Crikey. I would! Not all the time, but here and there, yoga class, lunch with friends, absolutely yes please. Sounds marvellous.

Show quote history

someone taking your kids now and then is different from a nanny living with you.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 08:33

@pettysquabbles so you think mothers moan too much? If you work full time how do you look after your children without any outsourced help?

Interesting how the posters who agree with the DH don’t mention dads being involved with children, so assume have bought in the idea that child raising is all down to the mum

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 08:34

pettysquabbles · 23/03/2023 08:28

I'm with your DH here. If the eldest is at nursery, she's just abdicatiing parenthood and should consider what her role is as a mother. I couldn't imagine not spending time with my kids as building relationships is key. I have frinsds who have nannies and their relationships with their children are not great. I work full time and appreciate the pressure but I have a cleaner to help with domestic chores. Parenting, however, isn't outsourced as that's firmly my job.

Show quote history

If you work full time, how are you not outsourcing parenting?
Do your DC not attend school or nursery?

Did you get your "should consider her role as a mother" direct from the annals of Gilead?

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 08:35

Why did she have another when she found one such a challenge is the first question that jumps out at me?

OutsideLookingOut · 23/03/2023 08:37

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 08:35

Why did she have another when she found one such a challenge is the first question that jumps out at me?

But children do not remain babies and toddlers forever. Perhaps she will be better with older children. Men are always excused on this.

usererror99 · 23/03/2023 08:37

To be honest your husband is entitled to an opinion? I too find it a bit odd that many mothers these days seem unable to parent their own young children on their own on maternity leave and beyond - I know lots of them personally. It's not a jealousy thing about what they can afford and I cannot or what grandparents they have available and I do not. That being said people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and all and it hardly sounds like he's one to comment on parenting when he doesn't do much himself from the sounds of it?