DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

Exactly. Which is why I am asking you if you have an exit plan?

I appreciate you have small kids and this isn’t straightforward. But this is not a man who has your back.

Babies are hard work
the more help and support you can get the better
people who are slagging off OP’s mate are just jealous
it really is that simple

@Thepeopleversuswork I just don't know if I'm strong enough to leave. I also think from the outside, people wouldn't understand at all and my H would be so devastated / angry. It would be so awful.

He minimises his behaviour a lot. So if I say I'm angry with you because every couple of months you have an outburst about your laundry and you say mean things, which shows me that you expect me to be your slave - he'll say he didn't mean it and that he doesn't expect that and that he'll do his own laundry and I should stop doing anything for him. He just makes me feel so pathetic and I'm sure so would other people.

Everyone knows how much time he spends away from home for work and they truly say he can't do more than he does. He needs to stop with the angry outbursts when things are not up to standard though, but it just goes on and on. Whenever I ask him to please not leave tea bags in the sink, he also gets really annoyed. He has a habit of not putting things away after he's used them and it drives me up the wall.

But if I say anything he'll say ' oh it's normal, all couples argue over the dishes. I can't believe you would leave our family over this! You know I can't do more because I'm not here enough. I'm sorry I sometimes get frustrated, it's not you, it's me. Just ignore me when I get like that. Why are you still holding on to something I said a year ago ? ' etc etc etc

If I then continued and he realised it's actually over, he would be so nasty. You traitor ! I knew I shouldn't have married you. Etc etc etc

Im not worried about finances but im worried about how nasty it would get.

@princemarry I know it’s hard but you are bringing up your children to see this behaviour and think it is normal. Does he have to work so many hours?

I hope most posters who have agreed with your DH are now ashamed that they were siding with such a misogynist

@princemarry

I do understand how daunting it is and that it’s probably not something you can do overnight.

But do you want to live in a state of perpetually having to apologise and walk on egg shells because you aren’t his domestic slave? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman? And for them to live in an environment of constant tension?

His reaction to your leaving is not your problem btw.

I don’t want to minimise this or suggest it’s easy or should be done without planning and consideration. But I think you know you can’t spend the rest of your life like this. You are stronger than you think.

It's her choice, if she wants it and can afford it then why is it anyone else's problem?

I know a mum who when she had her second said bleurgh, handed him over to live in nanny and went back to work as she didn't want to do that with 2. Her decision.

Maybe Yr friend likes to have someone there so she can come and go as she pleases with her life and know she can as someone else is always there who she can trust.

OP, your friend isn't a joke at all, and neither are you! If I had the money/space, I would have had a live in nanny for my DC. At least so the nanny could care for them whilst I worked (I'm a nurse). It would have been ideal for me/my DC, as there is no paid childcare locally that covers the hours of my usual ward shifts. It would have taken a huge weight and worry of my shoulders knowing that I didn't have to scramble about for childcare, particularly if the DC were sick. If I had the finances, I would also have employed a cleaner to come in once a week/once a fortnight.

FWIW, your "D"H sounds bloody awful. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with his outbursts.

hired a live in nanny/ au pair

Which? These are completely different job roles, not even comparable.

I think you posted about the wrong issue, tbh. His views on your friend are a symptom, not the actual problem.

Make another post that clearly states ‘I am married to an abusive misogynist who has crushed my sense of self worth’ and say the exact things you’ve said here. People will give you advice on how to leave. Because you do need to leave.

The things he’s doing and saying to you are horrifying and you’re so ground down that you genuinely don’t seem to realise that.

He sounds like a narcissist. Try and be brave, and seriously, who even cares what other people would think? That’s an awful way to live. Set yourself free and stop putting up with this dimwit, who invalidates and gaslights you at every time. Stop handing over your power to him and to others peoples opinions. Will it be awful? Yeah, I suspect so, but in the long run! SO worth it.

Good luck.

*every turn rather.

I wouldn't have used those words but share his feelings.

They are never working as many hours as they claim to be. Even when you catch them on it, show them their pay is not matching the hours they say they work, they will lie and claim it is some hustle they are trying to do. That they are helping out a friends business or doing Lyft or something. It is lies.

This.

Thank you. I try. I sometimes fall WAY short of the mark, generally because of HOW I said something, rather than what I was trying to say. But I do try.

This, sorry.

If you can’t look after your own kids, especially at home, you shouldn’t have them.

What's the difference when some people send their kids to nursery 40+ hours a week after a year of age or even younger?

for myself i would not see the need with 2 kids for a nanny either,2 kids is easymode,i have 4 at home no one goes to school or nursery,2 who are disabled and need care with everything,from getting dressed to washing eating etc- would not want a nanny, cleaning,sorting laundry etc i appreciate help with and husband does that as much as he can as he works full time.

each to their own your husband has an opinion you got yours no big deal

@Bloopsie 2 will feel like easy mode when you have 4, like one feels easy when you've got a 2nd. The OP's friend also works full time and you dont (presumably, as none of your kids are at school) which makes a huge difference.

if someone works full time they have someone else looking after their children for rhe majority of their day-and kids are not at home so no cleaning up needed as no one has been at home all day. Perhaps you also missed the bit that 2 of my children are disabled and need care during all their awake hours with dressing,toileting, washing,eating, educational work etc- i do the laundry theres a lot due to soiling accidents,cook,clean etc.

if she works full time and kids are away all day i lean even more to agree with her husband, why have a nanny hanging around when theres only few hours in the day for her and her children to be together

if someone works full time they have someone else looking after their children for rhe majority of their day-and kids are not at home so no cleaning up needed as no one has been at home all day.

Hahahaha try telling my kids that. They're in full time nursery and can tornado my house into a shit tip in the time it takes me to brush my teeth.

@stacyvaron

what, as in you too are jealous of being in a position wherein you can afford to buy in help?

@DixonD

@Fairyliz

well that’s your opinion but it’s of no consequence to OP’s pal what you think

I bet she’s really happy and chill having such support with her DC 😀

@LuckySantangelo35

She will be, but if you have a nanny knowing your husband is a useless lump of shit I should imagine it would just be a constant reminder of that. Hiring live in help because you’re married to a man child doesn’t quite feel so luxurious.

@Chilloutsnow

but it’s better then OP’s position wherein she is married to someone who thinks all domestic stuff and the kids is women’s work and she doesn’t have a nanny
I know which woman I would rather be 🤷‍♀️