DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

He sounds like he’s shitting himself that you want one too and he’d have to pay!

The best way to shut someone’s ideas down us to ridicule and belittle them/their idea.

Hence he slags her off.

When’s the last time ge had his own kids for 48 hours himself while doing housework shopping etc ALONE without you/his mum whatever helping!? And did it well?

He only had the right to slag your pal off if he’s capable of what she/her nanny does himself day in day out.

So many aren’t capable and are useless when expected to do their wife/partners job of childcare and housekeeping etc. While saying it’s easy. Yet never managing to do the half of it well. But always having an excuse as to why the dishes are still there ir the floors manky etc.

He’s a judgmental idiot who thinks motherhood should be a punishment.

I had terrible PND and health problems my first so when I had my second (yes, women who struggle with the baby stage may still enjoy being parents and are allowed to want a second child) I put in every possible support mechanism I could think of and afford. Admittedly not an au pair because we don’t have the money or space and I don’t think I would have liked it. As it happened I was fine second time. But it seems like a good idea to me to take steps to avoid a repeat of whatever she struggled with first time round.

I think I’d go on holiday/for work for a week to 19 days - alone. And see how he was doing on my return. Not help from MIL allowed.

Exactly my thoughts!

I take it her husband doesn't pull his weight if she's felt the need to pay for an extra adult around the house.

If DH worked away I'd certainly do the same rather than struggle with 2 children. Humans are designed to raise kids together, and it's hard enough to do so in a 2 parent family unit, never mind on your own.

If I had the money I would. Two young ones is hard. I wouldn't leave them to it but it would be great to have someone around to entertain one while I deal with the other. Watch them while I put the washing in or make meals. Just relieves a bit of stress. Good for her!

The older child is at nursery.

He's not jealous - we could afford it. It never crossed our minds to do it to be honest.

He just thinks it's wrong and mothers ' moan too much ' and ' what did they expect ? ' even though he doesn't do a great deal himself. The usual. He has no idea.

They so wouldn’t - they’d say “Bless him, that lovely man looking after his baby while his wife is in hospital, well of course he got help” and people would take round prepped meals for him.

But women who often still SHOULD be in hospital go home and look after their newborn and sometimes other children but getting help is apparently ‘delegating motherhood’ 😂 rather than just, ya know, delegating tasks

It is hard having a newborn and a toddler. Lots of mothers find it hard. Lots have help from family. Lots use nurseries, childminders, cleaners, and other forms of paid help, even while on maternity leave. Do you really not know anyone who carried on sending their toddler to nursery during mat leave?

An au pair is a cheaper form of childcare. You just need a spare room and pay them £120 a week. A nanny costs more but it still isn't that unusual. Having them live in means you pay them less .

@iusedtobeasize8 i found my first child really difficult. I had a bad tear, struggled with breastfeeding for 9 months (having mastitis 4 times) had post natal depression and found the sleep deprivation really hard. But I knew I wanted siblings so I had another because I knew the baby stage didn’t last forever.

An extra pair of hands. Exactly. It doesn't mean you would ignore your kids and go out and leave the nanny to it.

I have two and an extra pair of hands just makes being with them, much easier.

Some people struggle with things I find easy. I struggle with things that come naturally to other people
Educate him
I salute her for doing what she feels is best for her children

I don't understand men like this but reading threads like these make me so grateful for DP who is a complete hands on dad and shares the mental load, housework and kid duty.

I think men who don't do their dair share are a joke.

I knew someone would say this as if it’s clever. Can you really not imagine someone struggling (for any number of reasons) with the baby stage, but ultimately enjoying being a parent and wanting to have a second?

This!! Similar experience here.

Why are women’s experiences only valid if they’re suffering?

Seriously I’d be pissing off for a few weeks leaving him with the kids and seeing if he moans too much. Does he normally hate women?

Sounds like your husband is a bit of a joke dad then really .
Different people need help with different things. Some men repair their own cars, some use a garage. Some cut their own hair , some go to a hairdresser. Some mind their own children, others let a wife or childcare provider do it. Strange that he can't understand that people are different

Then your husband is the only joke here. He’s a misogynistic prick who doesn’t parent his kids, laughs at others and has no idea of what being a mum (or dad) involves.

I don’t know how you stay with someone like that. I can’t imagine he values or respects you.

I’d probably find it rather odd she chose to have another child given how difficult she found having 1 but each to their own.

I would deffo have a nanny if I could afford one. It takes a village to raise a child

Well what a peach he is! I'd be buggering off for a break on my own and leaving him to it. He might think differently then. The prick.

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl honestly, he really really pisses me off. He compares me, unfavourably to my friend sometimes. You're just like Sarah. This is motherhood, when are you going to get on with it.

I don't even complain anymore. I've cut him out of how I feel because he doesn't support me. He asked if the baby cried in the night and I said ' yes a lot, I'm tired 'and that set him off on a tirade about mothers like me and Sarah. Not cool at all. Sick to it. No doubt he'll apologise later, but I'm sick of the apologies. I can't forget stuff like that.

Good for her. Looking back if I could have afforded one I’d have had one as well. I’d have a cook and a housekeeper as well! No one gets medals for doing it all.

Of course he doesn't do much parenting himself.

It's always the men who accuse their SAHM wives of sitting around doing nothing all day with 3 under 3 who also don't seem to think they should do the "nothing" of looking after their own kids for more than 10 minutes.

My, very rich and lucky, friend has one ; and to be honest, theyre wonderful. I suspect those slating them, including your dh, are jealous.
My friend does loads of parenting, brilliantly, because she's never exhausted from it. The nanny does a lot of the stuff 'behind the scenes' and my friend does the bonding. So the nanny might make the milk, my friend gives it; my friend puts her baby to sleep, the nanny stays with her sleeping whilst my friend pops out for lunch etc etc. it's a lovely life

Not that I could have ever afforded an au.pair or Nanny or had the room ,,I thought au pairs,were generally young adults who.were not trained in childcare who.just did a few hours of child care for an allowance and experience of a foreign country,and Nanny ,s were trained child care professional,s ?
but he's why did she have another child of she found one challenging?