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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:

SavedByDogs · 26/03/2023 10:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/03/2023 09:35

@Chilloutsnow

but it’s better then OP’s position wherein she is married to someone who thinks all domestic stuff and the kids is women’s work and she doesn’t have a nanny
I know which woman I would rather be 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I’d rather be neither. A life with a shit partner like that will never ever be a happy life. There’s no amount of help you can buy that makes up for a partner who doesn’t parent their children or respect you.

Raise the bar.

Bloopsie · 26/03/2023 10:47

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 07:00

if someone works full time they have someone else looking after their children for rhe majority of their day-and kids are not at home so no cleaning up needed as no one has been at home all day.

Hahahaha try telling my kids that. They're in full time nursery and can tornado my house into a shit tip in the time it takes me to brush my teeth.

It was meant to the previous poster who thinks having 4 kids at home all day makes a huge difference in housework, it sure does but not the way she implied hence my answer was when everyone leaves the house in the morning school or work the house will be the same state when you return- of course then dinner time dishes cleaning up kids baths etc but its only a few hours for 2 kids,needing a nanny for that is hit ott in my opinion but each to their own.

TheHoover · 26/03/2023 10:57

@princemarry
As others have said, your DH is apologising only because he wants the peace to return. He has deeply ingrained misogynistic views about women and their roles in life. He has no respect for you and he is utterly, completely selfish. He is highly unlikely to change.

I am so sorry you are in this position but you do have a choice. A short period of nastiness vs getting your own life back and not allowing your children to grow up in such a benignly toxic environment.

Did you watch The White Lotus (s1)?

hourbyhour101 · 26/03/2023 14:46

Know one knows everyone's exact circumstances. Even closed friends won't always know what's going down behind closed doors

It seems to me anyway, anyone that feeling smug or that people shouldn't have children if they find it hard (and hire in help of any kind) are people who have internalised all the frustration and anger at their own lives and make themselves feel better by saying "well I did it and it was easy" when actually they are comparing apples to oranges and realistically have no idea. Someone with high self worth wouldn't bother comparing or needing that validation iMO.

Manthide · 26/03/2023 14:48

I don't understand why people think it's strange she had a second child. Every child is different, as is the birthing experience. I think Sarah has thought about her first child and decided to delegate some duties - which many people use their mothers for. I don't think a non- hands on parent is qualified to call anyone a joke not least a woman who has just had her second child!

hourbyhour101 · 26/03/2023 14:48

No one**

Manthide · 26/03/2023 14:53

princemarry · 25/03/2023 10:09

@Thepeopleversuswork I just don't know if I'm strong enough to leave. I also think from the outside, people wouldn't understand at all and my H would be so devastated / angry. It would be so awful.

He minimises his behaviour a lot. So if I say I'm angry with you because every couple of months you have an outburst about your laundry and you say mean things, which shows me that you expect me to be your slave - he'll say he didn't mean it and that he doesn't expect that and that he'll do his own laundry and I should stop doing anything for him. He just makes me feel so pathetic and I'm sure so would other people.

Everyone knows how much time he spends away from home for work and they truly say he can't do more than he does. He needs to stop with the angry outbursts when things are not up to standard though, but it just goes on and on. Whenever I ask him to please not leave tea bags in the sink, he also gets really annoyed. He has a habit of not putting things away after he's used them and it drives me up the wall.

But if I say anything he'll say ' oh it's normal, all couples argue over the dishes. I can't believe you would leave our family over this! You know I can't do more because I'm not here enough. I'm sorry I sometimes get frustrated, it's not you, it's me. Just ignore me when I get like that. Why are you still holding on to something I said a year ago ? ' etc etc etc

If I then continued and he realised it's actually over, he would be so nasty. You traitor ! I knew I shouldn't have married you. Etc etc etc

Im not worried about finances but im worried about how nasty it would get.

I feel so much for you. My ex dh is exactly the same and he gets so nasty. My advice is to get out now. I delayed and it has had a serious effect on our 4 children. We are now divorced but still living together and he refuses to speak about the elephant in the room.

stacyvaron · 26/03/2023 15:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/03/2023 09:28

@stacyvaron

what, as in you too are jealous of being in a position wherein you can afford to buy in help?

Show quote history

No, that if you choose to have a baby, and you aren't working or disabled in some way, and you pay someone to do it, you're a joke as a parent.

toomuchlaundry · 26/03/2023 16:06

@stacyvaron does that include the dad too?

Isaidnomorecrisps · 27/03/2023 07:59

You poor thing. I had the same and then it became rules everywhere and utter gaslighting. He was perfect outside.
I left when the kids were early teens and it’s been fine - after a godawful divorce. Save your strength now for the kids but know that answer is out there.
There is a tipping point on what is normal, low level bickering and this.
I’m with someone now who doesn’t do that and never has (for 4 years) and it just emphasises even more how horrible and confused my old life was a lot of the time. 💐

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2023 08:21

stacyvaron · 26/03/2023 15:49

No, that if you choose to have a baby, and you aren't working or disabled in some way, and you pay someone to do it, you're a joke as a parent.

Show quote history

She is working.

it has been the model for royalty and the upper classes for years

Grrrrdarling · 14/04/2023 02:40

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

How the other half choose to live their lives is none of his business & if he isn’t doing everything in your home, working & looking after the kids too he literally can’t comment at all!
I’d book yourself a week or two away or maybe go stay with some friends & leave your DH to man the fort alone then ask him if a nanny would have been helpful… lmao

evuscha · 14/04/2023 03:44

Oh the good old patriarchy, of course the woman should do everything by herself, cook, clean, look after kids, no matter how exhausted she is.

I was brought up in a very traditional setting and I feel my family would definitely judge me if I had a live in nanny. Having a cleaner once every 2 weeks is already pushing it because “why can’t you do it”. In fact they’re a bit puzzled why my DH does so much when he’s at work all day. (I work from home but apparently that doesn’t count)

So yeah YANBU but unfortunately your DH’s attitude is not uncommon.

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