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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
LoekMa · 23/03/2023 08:02

He's trying to talk it down, so you don't go getting any ideas about being entitled to rest and respite and household assistance in the form of a nanny.

Pathetic

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 08:02

This reply has been deleted

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Irritateandunreasonable · 23/03/2023 08:02

Is she unemployed or have any other serious commitments? If not I can’t imagine why she’d need a live in nanny for two children.

Is she suffering from PND?

I agree with your husband it’s overkill and a bit lazy if there are not other mitigating factors.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2023 08:04

"He just thinks it's wrong and mothers ' moan too much ' and ' what did they expect ? ' even though he doesn't do a great deal himself. The usual. He has no idea."

OP, I think you should abscond yourself unexpectedly for 7 days. Maybe a work crisis, or family member in need. See how he feels after that.

Tietheapron · 23/03/2023 08:06

People so often tend to forget on here that the toddler and baby phase doesn’t last forever, and those of us who struggle with it (it’s really toddlers for me) don’t want to not have a child for that reason. I suppose it’s a bit like anything where you have a lot of energy output at first but then it eases off, I adore my DS, I’ll love this baby too when it arrives, but toddlers run me ragged!

trytopullyoursocksup · 23/03/2023 08:06

The people who are saying he is jealous - no, he isn't. The OP has said they could afford it and has also said he asked if the baby (their baby) was awake in the night. So he is oblivious. He has no reason to be jealous because he doesn't even know what happens at night.

Grumpsy · 23/03/2023 08:06

princemarry · 23/03/2023 07:49

I forgot to add the biggest detail in this. She also had nannies when she had her first. But not live in. DH also judges that she had nannies for her first. And now judges even more that she's going to have a live in.

How long after the wedding was it that you raised your married a misogynistic pig?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2023 08:06

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 07:53

Each to their own, but personally I think it’s a bit pathetic to not be able to manage 2 kids on your own, when you chose to have them. (Unless there’s more to this story, and she’s got some major health problems.) Why did she have a second child if she knows she can’t cope? If money was no object then I’d love to contract out the housework, laundry, cooking etc, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have someone else look after my kids for me.

Because she wants more and she has access to help so why not?

It's not "pathetic to not be able", it's "why should I wrestle with the difficult aspects when I can afford some assistance"? Is it pathetic to ask your parents to babysit or is it only paid help that is somehow cheating? Is it pathetic to have to get someone else to style your hair; I mean it's your own hair on your own head, surely you can do it yourself? Why have a car if you can't/won't learn to do your own servicing? I mean, if your garden's large enough you could grow your own vegetables and never shop again (don't tell me you pay someone to deliver groceries, how pathetic is that?). You could apply the principle to anything that (not all) people are able to do for themselves.

No, I didn't have paid help with childcare while mine were pre-school, if that's relevant. I would have if I'd had the opportunity though.

Grumpsy · 23/03/2023 08:06

Grumpsy · 23/03/2023 08:06

How long after the wedding was it that you raised your married a misogynistic pig?

Show quote history

Realised you*

Odile13 · 23/03/2023 08:07

I think he’s being quite mean actually. Saying she’s ‘a joke’ is unnecessary. If she wants help and can afford it then why not?

I also think it’s strange for others to question why she would have another child. Isn’t it obvious that some of us find the newborn stage really hard but might be better at coping when the child is older? So if you can afford extra help / support, why not?

CheersForThatEh · 23/03/2023 08:07

Love that he judges nannies when he doesnt do a jot himself. Bet his job is just soooooo hard.

How much 1:1 time does he do at the weekend?

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 08:09

How many threads do we have on MN where mums (especially with young babies) are exhausted, sleep deprived, trying to juggle everything. Whilst the DH carries on as normal, sleeps in another room, expects house to be pristine, dinner on the table etc. Maybe she has a twat of a husband like that (as does the OP by the sound of it)

There are some cultures where it is normal to have relatives move in to support the new mum.

Think it is quite poor to criticise a mum with young children getting support.

Whatfreshhellisthisss · 23/03/2023 08:10

What he says about her he thinks about you. Indirectly telling you that he would disapprove of you prioritising yourself. The reason this has irked you so much is because you know he is actually talking about you.

whattodo22222 · 23/03/2023 08:10

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 07:08

I’d be quite worried TBH if my husband thought a woman refusing to struggle through motherhood is something to sneer at.

Never underestimate just how much men hate women, especially women who refuse to be trod on

All of this

drpet49 · 23/03/2023 08:10

Fairyliz · 23/03/2023 07:09

I would wonder why if she found one child incredibly challenging she had another. Seems a strange thing to do.

This.

lionsleepstonight · 23/03/2023 08:11

What's even more irritating about this thread, (OP, your DH is a dick but I think you know that) is the judgmental posters with the 'why did she have another, why have kids if some one else raises, it's not that hard' comments.

FFS You lot are worse tham him! (And he's a class A knob!).

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2023 08:11

I'm so so surprised at the number of posters agreeing with the husband. Misogyny and internalised misogyny is so high.

Why do you want women's lives to be as shit as possible?

A woman has a financial opportunity to make her own life nicer, in the best way for her. So she's done that. Simples. And, been judged.

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 08:11

People are missing the point that they decided to have another child. When a well off poster complains about her DH being messy, she's told to hire a cleaner. It might be that they both struggled during the newborn stage, but wanted another child, seeing as childhood is 17.5 years, then you've got your child hopefully for at least another twenty years and the newborn stage just six months. So they outsourced the tough bit of the early stage. Great for both their physical, mental health, their marriage and their existing child. Great for someone who needs a job. Great for our society that we have happy people and one who now has money to spend, win-win all round. An Au Pair is the equivalent of involved female relatives/friends, which once upon a time we would have had. I agree that the OP's DH is one of those men who likes life for women at punishment levels. The old "other women get on with it" was always used to keep women down.

Babooshka1990 · 23/03/2023 08:12

Personally having one baby, I have no idea how Mothers with one or more older children cope. Especially in those first few weeks. I regret not hiring a doula for a couple of weeks at least as I had no help at all.

Is he jealous?

jeaux90 · 23/03/2023 08:12

Your husband sounds like a prick.

I'm a lone parent/single mum. Had a live in nanny for 10 years so I could continue my work, pay my mortgage and provide.

I don't blame any woman for having a nanny especially if her husband does little in raising his own child, especially if a husband works away a lot or for any bloody reason your friend wants.

VestaTilley · 23/03/2023 08:13

OP, your DH sounds misogynistic and unsupportive. You deserve far, far better- you don’t have to put up with this all your life.

Do you have savings? Maybe think about how you can set yourself up to leave with the DC when the children are a bit bigger.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 08:14

Men do this constantly, keep having kids but never look after them alone etc, sounds like your husband is one of them, but god forbid a woman does the same 🙄 what a prick. I’d start leaving him to look after the kids alone a hell of a lot more though.

waterlego · 23/03/2023 08:15

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 07:12

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

Do the parents you work for know you judge them and look down on them? You know, those people who pay you a salary?

OoooohMatron · 23/03/2023 08:15

Assuming she doesn't work, I find it a bit odd to be honest. Even if I was very wealthy I wouldn't outsource childcare, unless I was working. I'd outsource cleaning, ironing and all that stuff but not looking after my own kids.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2023 08:16

I think there’s probably a massive backstory about what you think it says about him?

I disagree with him entirely, but lots of people - most of them women I’d suspect (because most men would never think about it / give a shit either way) - can be incredibly judgemental about people who bring in that kind of high level childcare, especially if it’s not down to their job. It’s all of a piece with thinking it’s better to not have drugs in labour, or BF even if you really don’t get on with it. There’s a lot of misogyny, and internalised misogyny, that womanhood and motherhood should involve suffering and self sacrifice.