DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

I forgot to add the biggest detail in this. She also had nannies when she had her first. But not live in. DH also judges that she had nannies for her first. And now judges even more that she's going to have a live in.

Why do you stay?

How are you holding up, mental health-wise?

This kind of constant undermining & deliberate contempt is debilitating.

I think, in all honesty, anyone who has a nanny, or housekeeper, or aupaire, or any sort of domestic servant is going to be judged, and they probably know that when they make their decision

Each to their own, but personally I think it’s a bit pathetic to not be able to manage 2 kids on your own, when you chose to have them. (Unless there’s more to this story, and she’s got some major health problems.) Why did she have a second child if she knows she can’t cope? If money was no object then I’d love to contract out the housework, laundry, cooking etc, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have someone else look after my kids for me.

Pack a bag. Go out this weekend, and leave him alone with the kids. Only return when he rings to grovel and wholeheartedly apologise for his shit views. I’m guessing it will take less than an hour (unless his mum comes to help!).

Jealousy? I had twinges of it during the dark times of single parenthood, exhausted.

Why the fuck does he care so much how your friend organises her life? It's a pretty nasty, vitriolic attitude. Scared that you will want this but that you can't afford it, so to put you off he's tearing shreds off anyone who gets paid help? Idiot.

Right who put 50p in the eejit? 😀

There are a lot of jealous mums here. I don't understand why many people put their first in nursery yet comment they wouldn't hire help at home with childcare like it's somehow a failure or luxury that nursery isn't.

The fact he thinks motherhood is all about killing yourself shows him to be very misogynistic. It would put me off him a lot. Good on your friend for doing what’s right for her and her family, it’s really none of his business.

Does he ever use a painter and decorator, a gardener, a mechanic?

If he does then he should be doing these things for his family, stop complaining and get on with it.

If he’s outsourcing he’s crap and needs to be more like others who fix their own car, do their own garden, fix their own electrics.

Wow.

Nice that you bracket people (women!) who provide professional cleaning, childcare & domestic support services as "servants".

I think, in all honesty, that PP can safely assess who's being a judgemental twat here.

Eurgh so much talk about the OPs friend ‘managing’ or ‘coping’, why should she have to just about manage?! Why shouldn’t she have someone else look after the baby while it naps while she goes swimming with the toddler? Or someone play games with the toddler while she feeds the baby rather than dumping it in front of Peppa Pig? Hell, why shouldn’t she have someone look after both so she can have a nap after being up with the baby all night or go to the gym or get a hair cut or meet a friend for coffee without 2 screaming kids in tow? Some people set the bar so low.

Nannies (I’m assuming it’s plural because one of them quit, etc, not because she had more than one at the same time!) while she was on maternity leave, or nannies when she went back to work?

What people do in their life is up to them but I personally don’t understand why people have kids and then hire nannies, unless it’s to do with childcare whilst they’re at work.

I completely understand having cleaners, cooks, gardeners, relief babysitters etc to help with other tasks to make parenting easier but I don’t understand why you’d have children just so someone else can parent them.

Your friend sounds like she’s having children because she thinks she should, rather than she actually wants them and I think many women feel ashamed to admit that they don’t want children which is sad.

Great idea if you can afford it. Some babies are more difficult than others in terms of sleep and temperment. It's easy to judge when your not doing the bulk of the work. Once your friend is happy with the arrangement and it works for her family no other opinions matter!

Have you said do you know what mums who do most of the work for baby and STILL have husbands rant that we aren’t good enough say about men like you?? You should hear what we really think. I think I could happily swap you for a live in nanny or a casual nanny or you know what, I’d pay good money to swap you for a hands on dad who is nice to me. That would be worth a fortune.

well, having been a servant, I have no issue with the word servant, if you do, maybe it is because you are not prepared to face the reality of the situation?

My DH wouldn’t say that, but equally he doesn’t get it. I mentioned a friend who doesn’t work and sends her DD to nursery two days a week and he was a bit snorty about that, with no idea how relentless, lonely and tiring seven days a week is with a toddler.

"Never underestimate just how much men hate women, especially women who refuse to be trod on"

Spot on, @TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl

This. Other people learn to drive perfectly straightforwardly, I’ve never managed. On the other hand, I don’t turn a hair at speaking to 300 people or more for an hour at a time on a daily basis, and running ten miles is easy for me. I can’t get judgemental about other peoples capacities.

Also, an au pair and a live-in nanny are two completely different things. An au pair does very pt ‘mother’s help’ type hours, and might just be taking the older child to and from nursery and playing with them while the mother feeds the baby.

Crikey. I would! Not all the time, but here and there, yoga class, lunch with friends, absolutely yes please. Sounds marvellous.

It’s a horrible thing to say, and shocking that it’s come from a Father.

After a really hard first start with my DS I’d hire a Nanny or maternity nurse like a shot if I could afford it. We can’t, so it may be years before we have DC2, if at all.

Very good point. I see nothing wrong with her having live in help if she can afford it. I’m assuming she isn’t going off on a six month world cruise while the nanny stays home with the children. There are plenty of people on MN who happily take the extra help of nurseries and family members so why not a nanny?

I think you’re married to a bit of a knob.

HTH

Why do you think her nanny/au pair is looking after her kids for her?
PP explained upthread - the service provides most of the grunt-work so the mother can focus entirely on being a mother, on bonding, on recovery.

By your own admission you;d have loved this service if you'd had the cash for it.

You sound just like the DH - motherhood 'ought' to come naturally, & if it doesn't - suck it up, never mind the detriment to your own wellbeing.