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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

262 replies

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

OP posts:
LlamaFace19 · 23/03/2023 00:26

I don't see why your ex even needs to know about the pregnancy at all? It's absolutely none of his business.

Landndialamrhf · 23/03/2023 00:29

I don’t think you need to tell your ex. He’s your ex, and it’s not his baby. You don’t update him on your life now, it’s weird.

if he’s worried his friend might be upset, then he can tell him.

Redglitter · 23/03/2023 00:30

You split up 7 years ago???
Why do they think he's going to be at all bothered. He's surely more likely to be happy for you. Their reaction is really odd

lovechickencrisps · 23/03/2023 00:32

Why on earth don't you just tell them to inform him. Why would you care if he knows or not? Not his business.

Ramunea · 23/03/2023 00:34

I’m confused. Why does he even need to know?

JonSnowedUnder · 23/03/2023 00:34

I thought from your title the ex was father of your baby. An ex from 7 years ago has no need to know you're pregnant.

Your 'mates' are being weird and creating drama where it sounds like you are going through a tough time. I'd ignore them for now.

Newhousewhodis · 23/03/2023 00:40

I can’t believe what I just read. Tell these people to fuck off. Stop asking them for ‘understanding’. They are being weird, intrusive and behaving unacceptably. Stand up for yourself.

I wouldn’t even go to the bloody wedding.

Findyourneutralspace · 23/03/2023 00:46

Not sure I’m fully following the OP - is your ex going to be a groomsman, or the mutual friend?

Either way, it’s not their business. I’m just wondering if you will be seeing ex at the wedding.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2023 00:51

So do you mean that your ex from 7 years ago will be at the wedding and you will be there too. And you are bridesmaid and he is groomsman, The yes I think he should be told before the wedding in these circumstnaces.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 23/03/2023 00:57

I would honestly consider not going to the wedding. Your ex can find out you’re pregnant when or if he sees you. The bride and groom aren’t “lying” to him - they’re just not updating him on the life of someone he used to be with seven years ago. That’s normal!

unclebuck · 23/03/2023 01:02

It's something to be mentioned in passing, like the weather - completely banal news to an ex of 7 years!! - what a weird reaction from your friends

BeardieWeirdie · 23/03/2023 01:03

Your friends are crackers.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 23/03/2023 01:04

If it was me I'd just tell them to let him know if you aren't bothered about him knowing and think he's going to be a problem with him being blindsided by a very obvious bump at their wedding. I know it's been seven years but you admit knowing his feelings for you. I presume the couple are trying to protect you both, albeit very clumsily.

SunshineAndFizz · 23/03/2023 01:04

Why are they 'having to lie to him'? Under what circumstances are you coming up in conversation that means they have to lie? Bit weird, surely no need to say anything either way if you don't want them to.

That said. It's been 7 years, why haven't they just told him in the normal conversational way that people pass on news? "Yes x is one of the bridesmaids, if you haven't heard yet she's pregnant, so we'll have at least one sober sensible person in the wedding party."

TheTeenageYears · 23/03/2023 01:07

The only possible reason I can see why you being pregnant would be a massive issue to your ex after so many years would be if you split up over something baby related. Even if he was still in love with you after so long I can't see how finding out at the wedding you're pregnant would be a massive deal. I think I would be questioning the friendship with these people who are making your life more stressful at an already incredibly stressful time.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 01:10

Have you specifically told them not to tell him OP?

Sorry finding this whole thing odd. Why keep it from an old ex (if that's the case)? Why does he need to* *be told? Other than in passing. Why are they worrying about this at all? Why are they so invested? This is assuming the wedding is still some time away.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/03/2023 01:14

Your ex doesn’t have the right to know, and that’s what you tell them

tbh if they continue to push it they are not your friends and I would be back8ng out of the wedding and the friendship

AliceOlive · 23/03/2023 01:31

I’d probably back out of the wedding. If he’s unable to deal with you being pregnant 7 years after breaking up, he most definitely has not moved on.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 23/03/2023 01:47

These people are not your friends and do not have your best interests at heart.

They also seem like they enjoy the drama!

I would gracefully bow put of the wedding Nd attend as guest only and slowly extricate myself from this friendship.

Motherofalittledragon · 23/03/2023 01:53

He's an ex and not even the baby's father, so nothing to do with him whatsoever. Your friends sound very weird and bloody irritating.

Pencilsaremylife · 23/03/2023 01:54

Why are they having to lie, unless your ex is specifically asking if you are pregnant, very unlikely I would have thought, they’ve got nothing to lie about do they? They are not your friends they are drama llamas who are whipping this up into something that it’s not and putting huge pressure on you at a really difficult time in your life. Your ex of 7 years ago needs some professional help if he really can’t get over the break up after all that time. What difference you being pregnant would make I’m not sure, if your bat shit crazy “ friends” think he’s going to be upset to see you they shouldn’t have invited you both. Honestly if it were me I’d tell them you won’t be coming to the wedding never mind being a bridesmaid do you really need the drama when you will be 7 months pregnant?

Ponderingwindow · 23/03/2023 01:54

It would be strange for you to contact an ex from 7 years ago to let him know you are pregnant.

it would be totally normal for mutual friends to casual mention that you are pregnant and will be at the wedding. Why aren’t the bride and groom just sharing the information with your ex? Have you placed a gag order on them?

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 02:03

AliceOlive · 23/03/2023 01:31

I’d probably back out of the wedding. If he’s unable to deal with you being pregnant 7 years after breaking up, he most definitely has not moved on.

Except he might be fine with it if he actually knew.

Everyone keeping this from him is odd IMO. Not that he has a right to know it's nothing to do with him. It's the silence around it that is abnormal and dialling up the drama. The OP is going through a tough time but I don't understand why she doesn't just say OK. She's got bigger things on her plate than this ancient unimportant dross. I'm surprised they bothered to ask her first unless there is some backstory the OP left out. If he finds out on the wedding day, he will probably think it's a bit bizarre that none of his friends had mentioned it.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 02:05

That is what I was wondering @Ponderingwindow

ButterCrackers · 23/03/2023 02:17

It’s none of your ex’s business. You don’t have to tell him that you are pregnant or anyone else. If it’s so important to the wedding couple that you discuss your own matters with your ex Id say to pull out of the wedding plans. Use the costs and time for yourself.