Page 11 | Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

Bunny44 · 2023-03-23T00:22:32+00:00

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly. I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy. But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings. The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

roseheartfly · 27/03/2023 00:49

Seems to me that you have a big opinion of yourself and your ex probably won't care.

You make it public when you are good and ready.

Original poster

Bunny44 · 27/03/2023 05:17

roseheartfly · 27/03/2023 00:49

Seems to me that you have a big opinion of yourself and your ex probably won't care.

You make it public when you are good and ready.

I already mentioned I didn't think my ex would care half as much as this couple thought he would. But thanks for the assumptions!

OP posts:

Fuckstix · 27/03/2023 06:45

Would you consider forwarding him the messages from your mutual 'friends'? I know this may feel a lot like perpetuating the drama but he sounds like a nice bloke and may speak to them to say how out of line they were, bullying you and humiliating him. They've acted disgracefully and I think deserve for this to be known about.

You could say 'thanks for your kind wishes, I appreciate it. I was planning to give you the heads up before turning up with a big bump, but since you mention I didn't need to tell you, I thought you might like to know what Jim and Jane have been saying. I'm not looking to cause a problem and obv it's not your fault but it's been very stressful and downright unexpected' then forward the messages. I can't say I wouldn't be doing this out of anger but they did not act like friends at a really complicated time in your life.

Bluebellsarebest · 27/03/2023 08:56

roseheartfly · 27/03/2023 00:49

Seems to me that you have a big opinion of yourself and your ex probably won't care.

You make it public when you are good and ready.

I don’t understand how you came to this conclusion. No evidence for “thinking big“ of herself whatsoever.

Bluebellsarebest · 27/03/2023 08:59

Fuckstix · 27/03/2023 06:45

Would you consider forwarding him the messages from your mutual 'friends'? I know this may feel a lot like perpetuating the drama but he sounds like a nice bloke and may speak to them to say how out of line they were, bullying you and humiliating him. They've acted disgracefully and I think deserve for this to be known about.

You could say 'thanks for your kind wishes, I appreciate it. I was planning to give you the heads up before turning up with a big bump, but since you mention I didn't need to tell you, I thought you might like to know what Jim and Jane have been saying. I'm not looking to cause a problem and obv it's not your fault but it's been very stressful and downright unexpected' then forward the messages. I can't say I wouldn't be doing this out of anger but they did not act like friends at a really complicated time in your life.

I’d worry about doing this. It’s likely it could inadvertently create even more stress, should it become known, at a time when it’s best to avoid all necessary stress and drama. It’s really not worth it , no real good can come of doing that for OP, and OP has more important things to think about, put plainly.

Original poster

Bunny44 · 27/03/2023 09:03

Fuckstix · 27/03/2023 06:45

Would you consider forwarding him the messages from your mutual 'friends'? I know this may feel a lot like perpetuating the drama but he sounds like a nice bloke and may speak to them to say how out of line they were, bullying you and humiliating him. They've acted disgracefully and I think deserve for this to be known about.

You could say 'thanks for your kind wishes, I appreciate it. I was planning to give you the heads up before turning up with a big bump, but since you mention I didn't need to tell you, I thought you might like to know what Jim and Jane have been saying. I'm not looking to cause a problem and obv it's not your fault but it's been very stressful and downright unexpected' then forward the messages. I can't say I wouldn't be doing this out of anger but they did not act like friends at a really complicated time in your life.

Actually I did end up speaking to my ex on the phone last night and having this exact conversation (as I said we're entirely amicable when we do speak) and he said although he didn't want to put himself in the middle of it, he felt that the couple were way out of line and hadn't acted as friends to me. He also said he hadn't even asked them how I was recently and rarely asks questions, so this part wasn't true, and he laughed at the groom's fixation about lying to him, since he said it had no bearing unless he'd specifically asked if I was pregnant, which he hadn't.

He said he thinks they're so wrapped up in the wedding that they probably don't have any bandwidth to realise this was out of line and so there's no chance of them coming to this realisation until after the wedding, so I'll have to think about how I want to proceed.

My ex asked me if I wanted him to say something to the groom, but I didn't want him to create any issues for himself as well, so I suggested that he bring the topic up in passing and nochalantly joke about how it was nice of me to go out of my way to tell him but that it wasn't really his business and he wasn't that bothered.

OP posts:

BadNomad · 27/03/2023 09:15

Personally, I think you should allow him to tell them they are out of line. You are owed an apology. They've treated you terribly for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

billy1966 · 27/03/2023 09:32

OP, they do not sound like people who like or care for you.

They sound quite ugly.

This is far beyond lack of awareness.

They are real bullys.

I think long and hard about the wisdom of having them in your close circle.

These type of people cause MH damage to vulnerable people.

I think it would be in your best interests to step away from them and put yourself first.

MRex · 27/03/2023 09:38

Sounds like a good chat @Bunny44 , and him letting the groom know he's aware will atop the harassment. I don't think in your position that I would be forgiving though. Let the bride know you need to step back from bridesmaid duties as you have so much on and don't want to risk letting her down nearer the time. She can let you know who to pass on hen duties too. Attend just as a guest and it'll be much easier for you (as well as easier to ditch them entirely in a year or so when you're ready to).

Original poster

Bunny44 · 27/03/2023 12:39

MRex · 27/03/2023 09:38

Sounds like a good chat @Bunny44 , and him letting the groom know he's aware will atop the harassment. I don't think in your position that I would be forgiving though. Let the bride know you need to step back from bridesmaid duties as you have so much on and don't want to risk letting her down nearer the time. She can let you know who to pass on hen duties too. Attend just as a guest and it'll be much easier for you (as well as easier to ditch them entirely in a year or so when you're ready to).

Yes I've actually already handed the hen party organisation off to some of the other bridesmaids since I was feeling overwhelmed. I'd already sorted most of it anyway. I don't know whether to go to the hen party. It's abroad and I've already paid for my flight and was looking quite forward to it, but I'm worried it'll be weird between us given what's happened. I don't think I can just forgive and forget this incident and so I'll be waiting essentially for an apology which it sounds like I won't receive.

Then I'll have to decide if I attend the wedding or not and if so in what capacity. That said they may also decide that they don't want me to attend on their end. I just don't want to have to think through all of that at the moment since I have a lot else on personally and professionally.

OP posts:

MRex · 27/03/2023 16:21

Bunny44 · 27/03/2023 12:39

Yes I've actually already handed the hen party organisation off to some of the other bridesmaids since I was feeling overwhelmed. I'd already sorted most of it anyway. I don't know whether to go to the hen party. It's abroad and I've already paid for my flight and was looking quite forward to it, but I'm worried it'll be weird between us given what's happened. I don't think I can just forgive and forget this incident and so I'll be waiting essentially for an apology which it sounds like I won't receive.

Then I'll have to decide if I attend the wedding or not and if so in what capacity. That said they may also decide that they don't want me to attend on their end. I just don't want to have to think through all of that at the moment since I have a lot else on personally and professionally.

Show quote history

Yeah, she isn't apologising, and that's not going to be great. Flying pregnant is no fun either. I'd see if you can cancel the flight if it's a while away. Worst case, swap it for airline credit. Go to the wedding though, you have friends to hang out with there so you'll have a good time and you don't need to slam the door on your friendship.

Stewball01 · 07/04/2023 01:00

This!