Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

[Bunny44]

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

Apparently he asks how I am from time to time, but I'm absolutely sure he's not asking specifically if I'm pregnant. I didn't even tell the groom directly or tell either of the couple to keep it a secret.

The couple were upset we broke up and the break up was instigated more by me so I guess they're thinking its somehow my fault. They thought we should get back together for a long time, but it's not up to them and I think myself and my ex should be permitted to move on.

I was also told I couldn't bring the baby's father to the wedding when we were still together, partly because they didn't know him well but also in case it upset my ex. I have no issue with a couple making the decision who they invite but it annoyed me that my ex was mentioned as a readon - it's as it I'm being chastised for daring to try and move on!

As mentioned, I told the groom I was going to tell my ex in a few weeks, but he said that's too long for him to keep lying about it. Knowing my ex, I think he'd prefer to hear it from me, but if they want to tell him now that desperately they can. I'm more upset they're bothering me about this when my friend knows how stressed and upsetting the whole thing has been with the baby's father leaving me.

My mum has been saying this - that you find out who your friends are in your time of need. And perhaps it doesn't seem like they are.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like they are your friends. It sounds more like their loyalty is to your ex, and they're just staying friendly with you because your ex still has feelings for you. Nothing about any of this sounds like they actually care about you or what's good for you

Your mum is totally right on this. Seven years post break up is utterly ridiculous and none of his business whatsoever

Is it possible that they know something that you don’t?

Maybe exs feelings go really deep and they’re worried that he’ll pull out of the wedding when he knows? So they want some time to deal with that.

Maybe he has some significant mental health issues and they’re worried that he’ll get poorly when you tell him and the want him well for the wedding .

If you know that he still has feelings for you is it possible that they invited you to be bridesmaid to his groomsmen in order to try and get you back together? And they don’t know how the pregnancy will change things.

They seem to care SO much about his feelings. What about yours?! It’s your body going through changes. It’s you dealing with a new breakup. When do you get to matter to these creeps?

It is possible he's struggling with things, but as mentioned I did plan to tell him soon, with plenty of time before the wedding. Also I am very good friends with the bride and we spend a lot of time together so don't think that is their only motivation to be friends, at least I hope not!

That's what I wondered :-(. The groom didn't even ask me how I was doing in all of these messages.

There we go that's all fine then. They can tell him. I don't see why you have to do it. Or you can say I'm telling people after the 20 week scan.

I don't see why you have to be the one to tell him

Why does he think it's lying? Presumably your ex isn't asking him about you. It's pretty standard when given baby news early to keep it to yourself unless told otherwise.

This. Why so desperate to keep it secret when he's going to find out anyway, I don't really understand.

Ah sorry I saw you're planning on telling him before the wedding anyway! Apologies

They are being odd. There’s plenty of time. At first I thought you were telling them they couldn’t tell him but I see you say you’ve not made that request.

I wonder if he’s closer to them. Also he may still be infatuated with you and that’s what’s driving this weird behaviour. I’ve met people who broke up years ago and still talk about their ex as if they’re a couple.

@Bunny44

As mentioned, I told the groom I was going to tell my ex in a few weeks, but he said that's too long for him to keep lying about it.

So odd. Why does he expect to have to keep lying, surely he just doesn't mention the pregnancy. The ex isn't going to ask so will be none the wiser. Even if he were to ask how is Bunny? He could just say fine.

The more info OP gives, the more I agree with posters telling her to back out of the wedding. These aren't friends I would want in my life

Honestly they don't sound like your friends. I would consider dropping out of their wedding for your own sanity. You are going through a rough time and your friends should be there to support you. I agree with you mum.

This.

it’s none of their business - your mates’ or the ex. They sound wierd and if he’s still clinging on after 7 years, he sounds unhinged. I don’t think I’d be going to their wedding. What a piss take him saying you’ve put him in an ‘awkward’ position!!!! Tell him to fuck off. They’re not your mates.. their behaviour isn’t ok.
so sorry you’re going through this, congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck with it xxxxx

So sorry for everything you're going through. Your friends are acting like spoilt, self centred arseholes.

Even if you were in the most straightforward of circumstances it wouldn't be ok to push you in this way. You're not asking them to lie, and have plans to update your ex out of courtesy at a time that suits you. Why does it matter if it's now or in a few weeks?

Everyone knows that early pregnancy news isn't for anyone but the parents to share but you've even given them the green light to tell him themselves.

It's absolutely horrible to make your current circumstances all about them when you've got so much on your plate. You've been split up years and years ffs. It would be considerate to give your ex the heads up, yes, but you've been split up so long I think it's fine to come from them and he doesn't need months to process it. Even if he's got problems that doesn't trump your feelings here.

They sound as though they want to control everyone so as to have the smoothest day possible but life isn't always smooth and you can't expect everyone to bend to your will, especially when they're going through a hard time.

Are you sure you still want to be bridesmaid? I would consider stepping down and telling them exactly why. I'm not sure the friendship would recover but I'm not even sure these are friends. They seem intrusive, empathy free and not acting with your best interests at heart.

It sounds like they know he is still in love with you and think he will be pretty upset when he realises you’re pregnant as you have fully moved on. They don’t want him moping about their wedding and would like him to come to terms with it before their day. They think you should tell him so they can pretend they didn’t know and act surprised.

They seem to be prioritising his feelings over yours. It is your body, your pregnancy, your baby, it has nothing to do with him so it’s entirely up to you when you tell
him and others. It’s a shame he hasn’t moved on but you can’t protect his feelings forever.

Personally I would speak to the bride and say you’re not ready to tell him yet as you’re still coming to terms with it all yourself. You understand it this causes her some stress and you’re happy to step aside as a bridesmaid if it makes it easier for them. Failing that, they can tell him if they really feel the need to but right now you’re not sharing the news. They should respect your decision, he is not the father and has no rights to find our earlier than anyone else.

TBH, it does sound like you’re making a drama out of this. I should imagine the conversation might be very casual between your friend and ex.

Friend: “you probably don’t know but Bunny’s pregnant.”
Ex: “oh that’s nice, when’s the baby due?”
Friend: “not sure, some time in Autumn.”
Ex: “lovely. Fancy a pint?”

If you didn’t want anyone to know, you shouldn’t have told anyone. You’ve said you remained friends with this guy, so I can imagine that there have been a fair few conversations between them about your break up, because it would have been human nature to talk about a friend who was going through a hard time.

This pressure sounds horrible, poor you. I know AIBU is vicious but why on earth are 20% of people thinking you are unreasonable?

Did you leave the 7 year ex for the father of your child?

Are they always like this or is it the wedding making them act like complete selfish arseholes?

It's your pregnancy OP and if you don't want to tell people outside of your immediate circle yet that is your decision. You broke up with this ex 7 years ago and frankly your friends need to build a bridge and get over it. It's not 'lying' to him either, they aren't saying 'oh yes Bunny44 is fine! And definitely not pregnant!' when they see him are they? Why would they be discussing you anyway? Sounds like they are way to invested in this and enjoy the 'drama'.

Honestly OP, I'd bow out of the whole bridesmaid thing. More trouble than
it's worth.

Sounds like they are worried he'll boycott the wedding if he does not have time to get used to your pregnancy news. Hence pressuring you to tell him ASAP. If they are good friends in general then this is just them being so caught up in their 'big day', they can't see themselves as unreasonable.