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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

262 replies

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 23/03/2023 08:16

Well I agree with your friends in that texting your ex “hey I’m pregnant” would be extremely simple and no skin off your nose, it’s up to you whether you want to do it or not. Don’t see why your friends can’t tell him themselves tbh.

Merlinsbeard83 · 23/03/2023 08:17

That's so weird , imagine if we all told our ex when we got pregnant 😆 it's mad . 7 years! They obviously just love the drama.
Why did they have to talk about you at all. Have they nothing better to talk about .
They don't sound like friends. You need less stress not more .
I would avoid at all costs .
Congratulations on your pregnancy

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 08:23

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:05

OP is 4 months pregnant now. Will be 7 months at the wedding.
Presumably will be telling long ex that she's had a horrible treatment from baby's father etc etc.
The marrying couple don't want the drama.

RTFT. She’s said multiple times that she will tell him before the wedding. No need for the marrying couple to force the issue as it won’t affect the wedding. She’s also told them they can go ahead and tell him themselves, so if they’re so worried about drama at the wedding why aren’t they doing that ?

HoppingPavlova · 23/03/2023 08:25

Your updates don’t make any sense whatsoever. Why would you even plan to tell a guy you went out with 7 years ago that you are pregnant? Do you call him and tell him when you change hairstyles as well? What on earth does it have to do with him?

Surely, if after 7 years your friends think he will come to the wedding and cause a scene if you are pregnant, they would urge him to seek therapy urgently and tell him not to attend the wedding if he can’t act like a rational person. If they ha can’t done so, they are also abnormal and I’d ditch them frankly.

As for them telling you that your partner is not welcome in case it upsets a guy you used to go out with 7 years ago🤯. Would that not have been a massive red flag for you (both that they put this guy way above you, and that they are completely batshit), and you would have declined to attend, wished them well with their lives and run far and fast?

DeadButDelicious · 23/03/2023 08:25

ShimmeringShirts · 23/03/2023 08:16

Well I agree with your friends in that texting your ex “hey I’m pregnant” would be extremely simple and no skin off your nose, it’s up to you whether you want to do it or not. Don’t see why your friends can’t tell him themselves tbh.

She doesn't want to tell him yet. That's a good enough reason not too. She'll tell him when she's ready and has had time to process her situation. She's said that she will do it before the wedding. That should be good enough. It sounds like her friends are put out about not being able to gossip about this pregnancy with the ex, why else are they making such a song and dance about feeling like they are 'lying' to him? This whole thing is weird and the OP is best off out of it. No one is owed a pregnancy announcement. There were plenty of my friends who didn't find out till after the baby was born. It's her business. Not her friends and certainly not her ex's.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 08:31

ShandaLear · 23/03/2023 08:08

Surely after 12 weeks or so, once you start telling people, it’s common knowledge anyway. If you have similar circles of friends someone has likely told him already? It’s not that big a deal - you’re pregnant, you’re not going into space or anything exciting like that. Lots of people get pregnant.

She isn't just pregnant though is she, she's pregnant in the middle of a painful break up and is doubtless feeling vulnerable. She probably couldn't care less what an ex from 7 years ago thinks about her situation and doesn't want to think about it. It's entirely up to her if she wants to keep it relatively private atm and nobody elses business and she has explained why she told the bride to be.

I've known plenty of couples who didn't announce their pregnancy at 12 weeks. We waited having known women who miscarried at 13 weeks and 15 weeks.

billy1966 · 23/03/2023 08:32

These people are NOT your friends.

Bow out of being bridesmaid and the wedding and step away from there need for drama.

America12 · 23/03/2023 08:35

Viviennemary · 23/03/2023 00:51

So do you mean that your ex from 7 years ago will be at the wedding and you will be there too. And you are bridesmaid and he is groomsman, The yes I think he should be told before the wedding in these circumstnaces.

Why ?

America12 · 23/03/2023 08:36

I don't think he needs to know.
I don't understand why the groom feels he 'has to lie' to your long term ex ? What lies ?

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:36

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 08:23

RTFT. She’s said multiple times that she will tell him before the wedding. No need for the marrying couple to force the issue as it won’t affect the wedding. She’s also told them they can go ahead and tell him themselves, so if they’re so worried about drama at the wedding why aren’t they doing that ?

Show quote history

Best for them to tell him now, I agree, but maybe they don't want to get involved in the drama. Sounds like everyone knew baby's father was treating her badly anyway and it's not something that they want to be going over with long ago ex.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2023 08:37

How much are they talking about you with him that they would feel under constant pressure to lie about this??

They sound incredibly nosy.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 08:38

FraterculaArctica · 23/03/2023 08:16

I'm surprised more people haven't commented on the deeply weird and rude behaviour of the marrying couple refusing to invite your recent-ex, on the grounds it might upset the ex-ex. MN usually considers failure to invite an established partner as a major no-no. I'd bow out of the wedding party just because of this - they're far too controlling of your own relationship decisions.

I missed this completely - just went back and re-read. I agree, I would have bowed out at that stage. Massively offensive for them to prioritise ex ex to the point where they expect the OP to come to the wedding without her partner - not to mention how awkward the explanation would have been as to why he wasn’t invited !! If they were worried about the potential for an awkward scene at the wedding then they should have checked with all parties beforehand or not invited any of them. Utterly batshit.

Iwonder08 · 23/03/2023 08:41

OP, these people are his friends not yours. That's why they are worried about him, not you. That's why your feelings don't matter to them. That's why they are not supportive. Do you need all this drama right now? Politely decline the wedding invite and cut off the whole lot of them including the ex who can't move on after 7 years. What is the point of friends if they just upset you?

Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2023 08:42

They are not lying to your ex - unless of course he has asked if you are pregnant and they said no. But why would he even ask?
They aren’t being great friends to you

BadNomad · 23/03/2023 08:45

She may be your friend, but he is clearly your ex's friend, and she will back her future-DH over you.

Tealsofa · 23/03/2023 08:48

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 04:47

That's exactly what I said, although in politer words, but they said I'm being inconsiderate!

Show quote history

ok then - dont be polite

"Not your body, not your babt - now fuck off"

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:49

ShimmeringShirts · 23/03/2023 08:16

Well I agree with your friends in that texting your ex “hey I’m pregnant” would be extremely simple and no skin off your nose, it’s up to you whether you want to do it or not. Don’t see why your friends can’t tell him themselves tbh.

Wrong - it would be extremely weird.

Would you text an ex from 7 years ago who you are no longer in contact with to say "hey, I'm pregnant!"??

You wouldn't, would you?

FiddleLeaf · 23/03/2023 08:50

This is horrible OP. It’s none of their business.

I don’t think these people are really your friends and personally, I would pass on the wedding. You don’t need the added stress & let’s face it, the wedding will be dramatic going by their current behaviour.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 08:58

Zonder · 23/03/2023 08:11

I would just tell them to go ahead and tell him. What does it matter? You broke up so long ago, if he is still pining for you that's his issue. Soon everyone will know anyway. If they are so concerned for him they can tell him.

She already has told them that, as she’s stated several times on this thread already!

OP, these people aren’t your friends, I’d back away completely from them. They’re weirdly controlling and invested in your ex.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 23/03/2023 09:00

It's beyond weird to think that any woman should have to tell an ex of 7 years ago that she is pregnant.

I absolutely couldn't be arsed with the drama of this, and I'd say "thanks, but on reflection I think it's better if I give the wedding a miss". I'd then withdraw from this toxic cauldron of "friendship" and focus on your pregnancy and your family (who sound sane) and your other friends.

If this ex is not over you after 7 years, I'd start to wonder if he was generally a bit odd, and I would not want anything more to do with him at all.

RoseGoldEagle · 23/03/2023 09:11

It sounds like he hasn’t moved on from your relationship, and presumably they’ve had conversations with him over the years about this, and they know your pregnancy is likely to upset him. However, this is 100% NOT on you! You broke up with him 7 years ago.

As his friends, I think they should be the ones the tell him this in a ‘wanted to give you the heads up mate, Bunny is pregnant. I don’t think she’s sharing the news with a lot of people yet, but she had to tell us because of planning dresses for the wedding. Just thought you should know’.

They’re his friendS, and his support if he does find the news hard- not you! And honestly as his friends, they’d do well not to overly pander to this, it was seven years ago, it’s not healthy that he’s still so invested.

Hope you’re ok OP, it sounds like you’re having a tough time, good luck with the pregnancy and hope things settle down for you soon.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2023 09:12

I suspect they've got some romantic storyline in their heads from watching too many slushy movies. Maybe the ex's perceived failure to move on is driven by them. The groom's feeling that he will be, or has been, lying to his friend and his insistence that the OP must be the one to tell him suggests they've been talking about her far more than they have any rational reason to. Methinks it's because they've been pressing the "I think you should get back together" narrative, knowing the recent-ex is out of the picture at last (!), and want to force them into contact. This very scenario is the plot of quite a large number of stories. Unfortunately it's the OP's life and no-one seems to have consulted her on this wonderful plan for her future. They're just pushing her to play her unwitting part in it. They're convinced this is the way to make everybody happy and can't let go of the idea. That's my theory anyway. Probably not bad people, just... deluded?

Sadly it does look as though this friendship has run its course. It's not unusual for weddings to bring such things to a head.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 09:15

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:36

Best for them to tell him now, I agree, but maybe they don't want to get involved in the drama. Sounds like everyone knew baby's father was treating her badly anyway and it's not something that they want to be going over with long ago ex.

Show quote history

They don't want to get involved in the drama by inserting themselves slap bang in the middle of it all unnecessarily?

Are you one of the "happy couple" @Redebs ? You seem to be reading A LOT into the OP's behaviour and motives. You have blamed her for creating drama (with her amicable ex) and now everyone knew the baby's father was treating her badly although she hasn't actually said that at all. Why don't you just read all of @Bunny44 's posts? She's been pretty clear about what has been happening.

Crumpleton · 23/03/2023 09:16

As much as it's none of your ex's buisness I do wonder if the B & G are concerned that time will pass and you won't mention it to your ex.

If as you say your ex still has feelings for you they may be concerned you'll turn up at the wedding with a noticeable bump and it could cause friction.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 09:19

Then they could tell him @Crumpleton OP isn't opposed to that