Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

[Bunny44]

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

I would tell them your private medical information is no one else's business except yours and whilst you told them for practical reasons you will talk to him if and when you choose. And please can they stop discussing you with your ex. If they take offence I would drop out of the wedding

My God. It’s your body and your life. They need to back the f*ck off. These are not caring friends.

A normal scenario (given that it's a pretty long time since you and this ex were a couple) would be that after initially being told "@Bunny44 will also be in the wedding party", your ex might ask a few polite questions such as "Oh really, how is she getting along these days?", and that would be it. A single incident where the couple have to omit to mention that you are pregnant.

The fact that they say that they have to "keep" lying to your ex about it is weird. It suggests that either: 1) Your ex keeps asking about you and is still carries a torch, or 2) (More likely) your friends are so scared of anything ruining their "perfect day" that they are creating potential drama where it doesn't exist! They are probably needlessly worrying over an (extremely unlikely after 7 years) possibly that your ex will be upset and make a scene.

I am agreeing with the PPs saying that you should pull out. I wouldn't have patience for this nonsense in your shoes OP.

All of this! Spot on.

OP, Your ‘friends’ are being utterly selfish, and the irony and cheek of them telling YOU to be considerate of other peoples feelings in these circumstances is laughable.

These idiots are being the bride & groomzilla, they are painting this as some altruistic reason they want to help and save your ex the heartache and disappointment that he may feel if he actually does have lingering feelings for you (even still that’s not your problem) however it’s just an angle they are playing because the are only thinking about how their special big day needs to go ‘perfect’ and they see you as potentially ruining it for them.

I would speak up for myself in your shoes too, don’t be pressured or feel guilty letting them down by saying if they continue with this shit, you are going to remove yourself from the wedding and potentially the friendship if they cannot see past their own selfish and bullying ways during an incredibly vulnerable and distressing time. Congratulations on your pregnancy, stay strong. I wish you all the best going forward 💐

This. Proper weirdos.

Your pregnancy is your business alone to disclose to other people if you want to, it’s certainly got absolutely nothing to do with your ex from almost a decade ago. That’s just barmy.

Frankly these people don’t sound like very good friends at all. Your whole life has turned upside down and you’re going through something really devastating and potentially traumatising, also you’re facing single parenthood which is just scary. Where is the support?

They should be supporting you implicitly and helping you such a stressful time. Not caring only about their own feelings and nagging you to do something you don’t want to. They sound like gossipy drama queens, are they wanting a big fall out or show down? Again they’re weirdos.

I would send them both a message to say your pregnancy is your business alone and they do not have your permission to disclose it to anyone, and that if they aren’t going to support you they need to back off and mind their own business. You might find yourself demoted from bridesmaid but I don’t think that would be any great loss. They don’t sound like true friends. Not telling your ex from 7 years ago you’re pregnant is not lying ffs!

My partner always tells me I'm really suspicious of everyone so this may be a crazy idea but is it possible that they've already let slip to him that you're pregnant and now they're panicking about it?

I just don’t understand tbh. To be clear, the guy they are talking about was a boyfriend 7 years ago? Why would he need to know you are pregnant? Gosh, you get leprosy, or grow a second head, or lose a limb, why on earth would anyone feel the need to mention it to him? Why in earth would he even be interested apart from a throw away comment ‘oh, right, that’s good/a shame’. How bizarre this all is.

I wondered the same but still don't get what the issue is.

Why are they lying? You're not in contact with him so who cares if they tell him you're pregnant?

They just don’t want him to find out on the day of the wedding that you are pregnant as you are in the wedding party together and they don’t want any surprises in the day. I don’t get why they can’t just mention to him oh by the way you know @Bunny44 is pregnant don’t you? Your relationship is ancient history. They are inflating the whole thing. You’ve enough on your mind, just say if you want to tell him go ahead but get tf out of my face, I’m not ringing him.

What you need to say is we broke up 7 years ago. My pregnancy is none of his business. I won't be announcing it to him. Tell him yourself if it matters so much to you.

There's two ex's the ex from year's ago who she's friendly with and going to be bridesmaid at 7 months pregnant and the recent ex she's pregnant to.😂😂😂

This. The groom sounds like a selfish drama queen making another woman's pregnancy all about him. Why is soooo it hard for him? What difficult position is it putting him in not to tell someone you're pregnant 7 years after splitting up with him? Shit stirring dressed up as faux concern. As another poster said, these people don't have your best interests at heart and I'd be very wary of continuing a friendship with them.

Do you have children with your ex? I can't think why else people are making a drama out of him needing to know. He doesn't need to know anything and he doesn't need to be told by you. He can just find out when everyone else finds out.

As mentioned, I was planning on telling him before the wedding, just not immediately right now as I don't feel emotionally quite ready to widely share my news. I've only told close friends and family so far.

I would let them tell him. It is a strange thing to keep quiet, or ask your friends to lie about.

Your ex will figure out you are pregnant soon, if you are due to attend a wedding together.
If you don't want him to know about your relationship issues, ask them not to share that information. But the pregnancy information is not something to keep quiet about.

That's exactly what I said, although in politer words, but they said I'm being inconsiderate!

I would just inform the bride that you've decided against being the bridesmaid and will not be at the wedding because it's claim that you being there pregnant week stir up stands and emotions and that's not your intention. It's clearly more trouble than it is worth.

Also I would be ready for them to let the news slip regardless of your feelings. They're obviously extremely passionate about the issue. They're definitely going to tell him.

As above, I never asked them to lie or even not mention it to them, I'm only 14 weeks now so it's normal not to mention to everyone yet. I was going to tell him in a couple of weeks times. The wedding is in 3 months.

I'm so sorry for the dreaded typos. I'm on an iOS beta and the auto correct is bonkers!

No we don't. We were just together for a long time and he still has some feelings for me. I don't want him to feel hurt either. But I do think my feelings should be prioritised here as it's me that's pregnant and me that all this impacts most. The way they're talking to me it's as if it's more important how he feels about my pregnancy than I do.

They're being odd. I'm guessing you told the bride early because it would directly impact things like bridesmaid's wear/duties and asked her to keep quiet because it wasn't general knowledge yet? It MAY cause upset between the Ex and the Groom that the Groom knew and didn't tell the Ex, but these things aren't that uncommon. The Bride and maybe the Groom needed to know, the Ex didn't, nothing personal. It should have been enough for you to tell the couple that you're not ready to talk about this with ANYONE yet, but you plan to let the Ex know before the wedding and you'll let them know when you have. You could also offer to tell the Ex that Bride and Groom do know but you'd sworn them to secrecy and not to blame them for keeping your secret.

I'd think the real issue here is that Ex doesn't get blindsided when he sees you at the wedding - but honestly, it's minor. If you'd normally be in contact with the Ex before seeing him at the wedding I'd tell him in advance, but there's no rush. If you normally would not be in contact, I wouldn't bother. Up to you if you want to tell the Groom to go ahead and tell the Ex if he wants - at least it would be over.

(I feel like a 14yo writing all that - definitely too much trivial drama! 🤐)

I told them they could tell him if they really needed to right now, but not to share the details of the background. I told her the details in confidence for support. I think she's thinking of dropping me as a bridesmaid because they think I'm creating drama and being selfish, but I really don't think I'm wrong here. I forwarded my family some of the messages they sent me and they're really upset about how they're treating me, particularly as they know how stressed I am anyway.

Your update makes things clearer OP

Tell them to back right off (think you already did). Just say what you have said here: it's not widely known yet and you want to keep it that way. They are being odd. But I wouldn't be surprised if he had let it slip to your ex and is trying to cover it up

They are both being truly shitty. Many people don’t tell anyone until 12-14 weeks, so how could it possibly be uncomfortable to not tell him?? They are just self absorbed people who are bad friends!