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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

262 replies

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 25/03/2023 17:42

Bunny44 · 25/03/2023 17:29

I don't think my ex is as invested as this couple think. They've continually romanticised our relationship since our split because they have fond memories of when we were together and doing things as couples. My ex has gone through some nostalgic periods about our relationship (especially during lockdown when he was alone), as have I, but he's pretty level headed and never acted in a desperate way towards me. He has expressed nostalgia to these friends and I think they over-think it and maybe even encourage it. They also negate our reasons for having broken up as 'misunderstandings'. In this scenario the main issue is this couple's refusal to respect my feelings, rather than actually anything to do with my ex.

For context I'm also quite friendly with my ex's best friend since we live very close to each other and sometimes bump into each other. It sometimes comes up in conversation that I'm dating someone to this other guy and not once has he made anything of it and I don't think he's mentioned it to my ex either.

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I don’t think any of this is relevant, tbh. Even if he were climbing walls and in paroxysms of unrequited love…it’s simply none of their business. Stop explaining and justifying yourself like this.

Are you very young, OP?

JudgeRudy · 25/03/2023 18:30

Bunny44 · 25/03/2023 17:29

I don't think my ex is as invested as this couple think. They've continually romanticised our relationship since our split because they have fond memories of when we were together and doing things as couples. My ex has gone through some nostalgic periods about our relationship (especially during lockdown when he was alone), as have I, but he's pretty level headed and never acted in a desperate way towards me. He has expressed nostalgia to these friends and I think they over-think it and maybe even encourage it. They also negate our reasons for having broken up as 'misunderstandings'. In this scenario the main issue is this couple's refusal to respect my feelings, rather than actually anything to do with my ex.

For context I'm also quite friendly with my ex's best friend since we live very close to each other and sometimes bump into each other. It sometimes comes up in conversation that I'm dating someone to this other guy and not once has he made anything of it and I don't think he's mentioned it to my ex either.

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Given this further explanation then I'd be inclined to do as others have said. Make it clear there's going to be no 'talk'. You're pregnant and newly/unexpectedly single. That's fkng massive! All available headspace is taken. Theres no room for trivial matters. Even their wedding (yes) is way down your list. Your ex isn't even on it. Tell him yourself/don't tell him...you really don't care.

Dirtypaintwater · 25/03/2023 18:42

They are WAY too emotionally invested in something which frankly is absolutely none of their business or concern. Very, very odd.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 25/03/2023 19:43

@PousseyNotMoira No I'm not very young as I mentioned in a previous post :)

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 25/03/2023 19:54

Bunny44 · 25/03/2023 19:43

@PousseyNotMoira No I'm not very young as I mentioned in a previous post :)

I did read them all, but must have missed that, so I apologise.

In that case, what is it, do you think? Why have you put up with this? You must know it’s not acceptable, so why have you let it descend to the level where you’re defending yourself as opposed to just putting a stop to it? Low self confidence? People pleasing? Fear of confrontation?

mustgetoffmn · 26/03/2023 09:27

PousseyNotMoira · 25/03/2023 19:54

I did read them all, but must have missed that, so I apologise.

In that case, what is it, do you think? Why have you put up with this? You must know it’s not acceptable, so why have you let it descend to the level where you’re defending yourself as opposed to just putting a stop to it? Low self confidence? People pleasing? Fear of confrontation?

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Bunny where is this character analysis coming from? OP sounds pretty straightforward and confident to me.

ladyluck13 · 26/03/2023 10:37

Tell these weirdos to sod off, and distance yourself from them, they are not your friends..You need to concentrate on yourself and baby now, not stress out..I had similar situation, am now a happy lone parent with no stress from useless men and interfering friends.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 10:49

mustgetoffmn · 26/03/2023 09:27

Bunny where is this character analysis coming from? OP sounds pretty straightforward and confident to me.

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Yes, I'm not sure it answers my question either!

OP posts:
petmad · 26/03/2023 13:01

WTF has it got to do with youre ex its not his kid so he dosent need to know. And the more they pressure you the more youre going to retaliate. You could always bow out the wedding that means they won though. He dosent need to know more than likely he will be pleased for you. Warn them if they tell there will be consequences .Not really nice people

Newhousewhodis · 26/03/2023 14:18

mustgetoffmn · 26/03/2023 09:27

Bunny where is this character analysis coming from? OP sounds pretty straightforward and confident to me.

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Not analysis; questions. And she sounds neither of those things to me, and multiple other posters.

Newhousewhodis · 26/03/2023 14:20

Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 10:49

Yes, I'm not sure it answers my question either!

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I think it’s all pretty pertinent. You just going to ignore everyone who tells you that you need to assert yourself and asks why you haven’t?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 15:21

Newhousewhodis · 26/03/2023 14:20

I think it’s all pretty pertinent. You just going to ignore everyone who tells you that you need to assert yourself and asks why you haven’t?

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Well I've pushed back on them, said why I think it's unacceptable and ignored their recent messages. What more am I supposed to do right now?

OP posts:
Newhousewhodis · 26/03/2023 15:37

Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 15:21

Well I've pushed back on them, said why I think it's unacceptable and ignored their recent messages. What more am I supposed to do right now?

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I’ve already said. I’m not going to repeat myself to hammer it home. But I do think that you should reflect on how you let things get to this stage.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 15:38

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

Lie about what? Your ex isn't going to ask them if you're pregnant surely?

Why are you a topic of conversation?

LadyMcLadyface · 26/03/2023 15:39

Really sorry this is happening to you, as others have said your friends are batshit and frankly you have enough to deal with right now without them creating a huge drama over something completely unnecessary. Not surprised your family are angry on your behalf, sounds like you need to be firm with these friends (seems you have been), shut down the conversation as it's absolutely none of their business when and with whom you choose to share this news, and I'd be reconsidering being a bridesmaid tbh if this is how they are prepared to treat you.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and due to being physically unwell through most of the pregnancy I've kept it fairly quiet and on a need to know basis just because I feel more comfortable that way. This is completely YOUR call, you are not obliged to tell anyone about your pregnancy! (Other than for practical reasons e.g. to inform employer of need for mat leave etc.) Their behaviour is well out of order and pretty bizarre tbh.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 15:40

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 05:18

My mum has been saying this - that you find out who your friends are in your time of need. And perhaps it doesn't seem like they are.

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I don't even think I'd want to attend the wedding to be honest, even as a guest

Original poster
Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 16:22

Soontobe60 · 23/03/2023 06:37

Did you leave the 7 year ex for the father of your child?

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Nope - there was a very large gap between them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 16:47

@Nanny0gg apparently my ex and some of his friends had enquired how I was, which I agree doesn't call for extensive "lying". They were probably just being polite!

OP posts:
LucieLemon · 26/03/2023 16:53

I’ve already said. I’m not going to repeat myself to hammer it home. But I do think that you should reflect on how you let things get to this stage.

Perhaps it got to that stage because initially OP thought her friends would respect her wishes? It escalated as they wouldn't take no for an answer?

I'm not sure there's definitive proof that OP is some sort of weak willed pushover. More so, someone going through a very hard time who assumed she would have the support of friends.

LucieLemon · 26/03/2023 16:55

I’ve already said. I’m not going to repeat myself to hammer it home. But I do think that you should reflect on how you let things get to this stage.

Sorry, that quote was supposed to be in bold on my previous post 🙄

opinionssoughtplease · 26/03/2023 17:06

LucieLemon · 26/03/2023 16:53

I’ve already said. I’m not going to repeat myself to hammer it home. But I do think that you should reflect on how you let things get to this stage.

Perhaps it got to that stage because initially OP thought her friends would respect her wishes? It escalated as they wouldn't take no for an answer?

I'm not sure there's definitive proof that OP is some sort of weak willed pushover. More so, someone going through a very hard time who assumed she would have the support of friends.

Yes, this. Having been in a similar situation, I know that all other aspects of life have to be put to the side while you let the new realities settle in your mind, come to terms, figure out what you want/need to do, and make a plan. OP sounds more than reasonable to me and like you say, has probably had a realisation over time that these people are not who she very understandably thought they would be, ie understanding and supportive.

Ghostbuster2639 · 26/03/2023 17:22

Your friend is infantilising you. She has no respect for you and it’s disgusting she felt her partner was entitled to message you.

She has zero boundaries. And unless you told her she could share this news with her partner she’s over the line there too.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 19:14

I decided to tell my ex since I've been feeling better the last few days and his exact words were "congratulations, I'm happy for you. It’s nice that you want to tell me about your pregnancy but I hope you know you don’t have to. Hope you’re okay. I'm glad you told me before the wedding but obviously you didn't have to."

So nothing but the kind reaction I expected and def didn't deserve all the drama the other couple made about it!! You could say I could have just told him but last week I wasn't doing well at all and didn't want to, nor did I want to be forced into it. I let the groom know I was going to tell my ex soon but that I absolutely didn't appreciate the pressure I was put under and thought it was extremely wrong of them to do that.

OP posts:
Newhousewhodis · 26/03/2023 19:32

Bunny44 · 26/03/2023 19:14

I decided to tell my ex since I've been feeling better the last few days and his exact words were "congratulations, I'm happy for you. It’s nice that you want to tell me about your pregnancy but I hope you know you don’t have to. Hope you’re okay. I'm glad you told me before the wedding but obviously you didn't have to."

So nothing but the kind reaction I expected and def didn't deserve all the drama the other couple made about it!! You could say I could have just told him but last week I wasn't doing well at all and didn't want to, nor did I want to be forced into it. I let the groom know I was going to tell my ex soon but that I absolutely didn't appreciate the pressure I was put under and thought it was extremely wrong of them to do that.

I let the groom know I was going to tell my ex soon but that I absolutely didn't appreciate the pressure I was put under and thought it was extremely wrong of them to do that.

Why did you inform the groom? As has been repeated as infinitum on this thread, it’s not on of his business. Why are you still behaving like it is? Why are you still engaging with these people?

Butchyrestingface · 26/03/2023 19:41

I would not want to be bridesmaid, or even friends, with this pair of hysterical, controlling weirdos. Don't understand why you haven't told them to fuck off already.

If they're like this NOW, wouldn't be at all surprising if both bride and bridesgroom go 💯% full-on bridezilla as the happy day draws nigh.