Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

262 replies

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

OP posts:
Barbecuebeans · 23/03/2023 06:53

Bit different response from me. Why are you so bothered about him knowing?

It might be a shock for him to find out on the day.

Why not just allow them to tell him. I can't understand why it would make such a difference for him to know in advance of the wedding rather than on the day, and would be kinder given that as you say he hasn't really moved on.

Fuckstix · 23/03/2023 06:57

Barbecuebeans · 23/03/2023 06:53

Bit different response from me. Why are you so bothered about him knowing?

It might be a shock for him to find out on the day.

Why not just allow them to tell him. I can't understand why it would make such a difference for him to know in advance of the wedding rather than on the day, and would be kinder given that as you say he hasn't really moved on.

She's said she is planning on telling him in advance but just not for a few weeks until she's got her head around all that's been happening. This would give him a month or so to think it through.

Plimsongrey · 23/03/2023 06:58

These people are not your friends. I'd cut them all off and move on

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 06:59

OP has explained that she hasn't actually told them specifically not to but it's early days and her pregnancy hasn't been widely announced @Barbecuebeans

RedHelenB · 23/03/2023 07:04

Seems like you're being a bit of a drama lama here You don't have to tell your ex but you can give your permission for the groom to.

Barbecuebeans · 23/03/2023 07:10

Fuckstix · 23/03/2023 06:57

She's said she is planning on telling him in advance but just not for a few weeks until she's got her head around all that's been happening. This would give him a month or so to think it through.

Show quote history

If I were him I'd hate that. I'd rather find out from a neutral third party if I was going to get upset, so I could get my head around it and not have to look happy for my ex partner.

We're all different. I don't see pregnancy as such a private, secretive thing as other people on MN. Just another opinion.

follyfoot37 · 23/03/2023 07:11

You need new friends, and you should dump this toxic pair immediately
Your life is not their personal soap opera

Xol · 23/03/2023 07:11

Have you made a definite decision to continue the pregnancy?

EarthFireAirWater · 23/03/2023 07:12

RedHelenB · 23/03/2023 07:04

Seems like you're being a bit of a drama lama here You don't have to tell your ex but you can give your permission for the groom to.

If you bothered reading the thread properly you would see the OP already told them that they can tell him. They just don't want to and they are trying to force her.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 07:13

OP said "I never asked them to lie or even not mention it to them, I'm only 14 weeks now so it's normal not to mention to everyone yet. I was going to tell him in a couple of weeks times. The wedding is in 3 months"

Think OP is more concerned with her own "drama" and is upset at friends lack of compassion for her and her situation

EarthFireAirWater · 23/03/2023 07:16

Barbecuebeans · 23/03/2023 07:10

If I were him I'd hate that. I'd rather find out from a neutral third party if I was going to get upset, so I could get my head around it and not have to look happy for my ex partner.

We're all different. I don't see pregnancy as such a private, secretive thing as other people on MN. Just another opinion.

Show quote history

Well, the friends have OP's permission to tell the ex but they are trying to get OP to tell him. The way I see it, they can either tell him themselves or suck it up and let the OP share when she is feeling emotionally ready.

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 07:16

This is more to do with their wedding.

They don't want a scene on the day if your ex is clearly not over you, and you rock up months pregnant.

So I suggest telling him before the wedding or dropping out of the wedding.

Barbecuebeans · 23/03/2023 07:17

EarthFireAirWater · 23/03/2023 07:16

Well, the friends have OP's permission to tell the ex but they are trying to get OP to tell him. The way I see it, they can either tell him themselves or suck it up and let the OP share when she is feeling emotionally ready.

Show quote history

Which is exactly what she should say to them. Either they tell him or leave her alone.

Redebs · 23/03/2023 07:21

If you are going to be heavily pregnant at the wedding, he should be told.
He might have no interest at all or he might ask you about it.

It sounds as though the to-be-married couple don't want a lot of other people's drama at their wedding. You are very occupied with your situation about being abandoned etc at the moment and might want to tell your ex all about it for whatever reason.
He needs to be able to either ask or ignore in his own time. Not at the wedding, which is all about the bride and groom.

(Sounds as though you are planning a big reveal and a lot of drama. Probably better for you not to go to the wedding, actually.)

weightymatters73 · 23/03/2023 07:24

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 04:45

As mentioned, I was planning on telling him before the wedding, just not immediately right now as I don't feel emotionally quite ready to widely share my news. I've only told close friends and family so far.

Show quote history

The problem you have is the news is "private" i.e with you only or "out there". You are being hugely unreasonable to think there is an "inner circle" the news must be kept to.

I know 3 people in my family who just would not be able to keep the news to themselves, they are all lovely but 100% "speak before they think" - the news would just come out regardless unintentionally....

I think this has probably already happened and therefore they are getting pressure from your ex....

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 07:25

She was going to tell him in a couple of weeks time @ChickenDhansak82 @Redebs

No drama

Screwedupworld · 23/03/2023 07:25

These people are NOT your friends. Just tell them you no longer want to be a bridesmaid as you feel it is causing them and you too much stress. They don’t seem to care about how you feel only him. Seriously screw them.

I don’t understand why you need to tell an ex from 7 years ago tho! Some of my friends found out I had a baby after I had him.

RudsyFarmer · 23/03/2023 07:25

Sounds like they want your permission to tell him before the wedding so it doesn’t blow up on the day. Just tell them it’s okay to tell him and get on with your life.

RedToothBrush · 23/03/2023 07:25

They are acting as if you are the property of your ex.

You are not permitted to have your own life - you are not able to date anyone else and invite them to the wedding without proper approval.

You can only able to attend the wedding if you have told your ex of your current status.

The level of control here is unhealthy. Whether it's coming from your friends or your ex is beside the point.

It is all about controlling you and putting your ex first without regard to your well being. His relationship with you is the only thing that matters to them.

If you are single at the wedding and he still has feelings for you, how is that going to play out? Is he going to crack on to you or make comments about how it should have been him who is the father? Or gently weep in the corner looking at you longingly?

It's been seven years. If he hasn't got over you himself by now there is some thing really off.

Don't go to the wedding. Ditch the friends. Put you and your future first rather than having to do a tip toe around fragile manchild who still views you as his. You have enough to worry about with out this pointless selfish drama.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 23/03/2023 07:26

I would back out of the wedding and run thataway >>>

They are not your friends.

EarthFireAirWater · 23/03/2023 07:29

weightymatters73 · 23/03/2023 07:24

The problem you have is the news is "private" i.e with you only or "out there". You are being hugely unreasonable to think there is an "inner circle" the news must be kept to.

I know 3 people in my family who just would not be able to keep the news to themselves, they are all lovely but 100% "speak before they think" - the news would just come out regardless unintentionally....

I think this has probably already happened and therefore they are getting pressure from your ex....

Show quote history

But OP told them they are welcome to share her news with him if they are that desperate for him to know. She didn't say please don't! If they have told the ex all they need to do is say: Hey OP, just so you know we told ex.

Matildahoney · 23/03/2023 07:30

The only reason your ex would have any right to know this information would be if it was his child- which is obviously not! Your 'friends' are ridiculous! I'd also bow out of the wedding and their lives

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 07:31

You are not hugely unreasonable to keep the fact of your pregnancy fairly private for a couple of weeks at 14 weeks @Bunny44 Please ignore some of these responses.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 23/03/2023 07:31

I dont understand still why it matters so much to them that he knows, you split up 7 YEARS ago, not 7 weeks.

I think he may still be pining after you (more than you think) and they think it will hit him hard when he finds out but its up to you when you tell him, not them.

EarthFireAirWater · 23/03/2023 07:32

RudsyFarmer · 23/03/2023 07:25

Sounds like they want your permission to tell him before the wedding so it doesn’t blow up on the day. Just tell them it’s okay to tell him and get on with your life.

OP has stated multiple times that they are free to tell him and she has told them so. They just don't want to...