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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

262 replies

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 00:22

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

OP posts:
HVPRN · 23/03/2023 07:34

When you mentioned they didn't even want your 'ex' (baby's dad) at the wedding (when you were together) due to upsetting your ex-ex, this rang alarm bells. That's weird. And prioritising your ex-ex. And excluding someone who is a sort of your life. Imagine this couple splitting up and several years down the line you're getting married and both of them/one of them has a partner and you don't invite them - it's disrespectful.

So I would advice to let your thoughts and honest feelings be known to them, and what will be will be. I agree with your mum.

mrsfennel · 23/03/2023 07:34

7 years ago! Your friends are odd, everything in your post was right.

Even 7 months ago would be none of his business.

I would calmly be saying, actually we broke up 7 years ago so its not really anything to do with him is it?

HVPRN · 23/03/2023 07:35

*part not sort

Morechocmorechoc · 23/03/2023 07:35

Agree these people are not your friends. Ignore any further messages about it. Stress is bad for pregnancy. Remove stress from life usually means removing shitty people.

gogohmm · 23/03/2023 07:37

If you are going to see your ex at the wedding then yes I suggest that either you send him a message or let this friend do it out of courtesy

cartagenagina · 23/03/2023 07:37

These people are WEIRD!!!

Seven years ago you split up? And you have to tell him you are pregnant?

Bizarre.

MoreSleepPleasee · 23/03/2023 07:43

If my ex from 7 years ago updated ne on the fact he was having a baby (he actually has had one in that time thinking about it) I'd think it was really weird.

Dibbydoos · 23/03/2023 07:45

Aw bless you, sorry your having a hard time.

I would stop responding to their messages for a while. If yiu can put up an out of office type status on tge messaging system, do that.

Or tell them your taking a couple of weeks away and don't talk to them. But reiterate, you will tell your ex, but in your own time and ahead of the wedding.

As you're early in your pregnancy keeping quiet about it now is a good option because sadly things can go wrong.

Sending a hug, friends who show little regard for your feelings are being single minded. Your friends single mindedness is not about caring about your ex per se but about making sure nothing upsets their wedding....

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 07:50

I don’t think there is any need to tell your ex, but also does it need to be a secret? Can’t they just let him themselves, in passing as people do?

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 07:50

*tell him

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/03/2023 07:57

Just tell him and the drama is over 🤷‍♀️

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:00

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 07:25

She was going to tell him in a couple of weeks time @ChickenDhansak82 @Redebs

No drama

They don't want to risk it I guess.

Theunamedcat · 23/03/2023 08:02

Honestly back away from these people tell them due to the drama THEY are causing you no longer feel able to attend the wedding good luck in the future etc etc

It's simple when your pregnant you don't tell everybody then you tell CLOSE FAMILY and maybe friends then eventually everybody else gets to know usually around 20 weeks when it's obvious an ex from seven years ago should not factor in to this decision the fact that you have to go out of your way to give him your news might be why he feels he has a chance treat him like an acquaintance and don't go out of your way to tell him

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:05

OP is 4 months pregnant now. Will be 7 months at the wedding.
Presumably will be telling long ex that she's had a horrible treatment from baby's father etc etc.
The marrying couple don't want the drama.

DarkShade · 23/03/2023 08:06

These people sound bananas. It all sounds very juvenile too, like in high school where the fact that a friend likes a girl is a reason to be massively considerate of him and his feelings. But of course with a 7 year old long term relationship, they must be at least late 20s. With adults you just move on, especially if the break up was amicable. If you had broken up because he had desperately wanted children and you didn't then perhaps a bit of forewarning, but I don't understand why it needs to be this big drama of you telling him so early. If I found out an amicable long term ex had a baby, I'd be happy for them. Out of curiousity, how long were you together for before you broke up, and from what ages?

They are being terrible in not supporting you. I wonder whether really they want permission to explain the entire situation? I get that it feels a bit awkward if he's their best friend saying "how's so and so then?" And they're just grinning and smiling and saying all fine, meanwhile you are pregnant in the middle of a shit storm. But they need to suck it up and support you, maybe something like "she's having a bit of a tough time right now but it's not our place" or something generic like "oh you know...". They're just being self centred and essentially annoyed that they can't talk about you with their friend, which is shit. If you want to salvage the friendship I'd turn it around to bride in person and say you could real do with the support right now.

MRSDoos · 23/03/2023 08:07

First of all I’m so sorry to hear about your break up.

Second of all I think that these people are not your “friends” and do not have your best intentions at heart. You’re pregnant, you do not need the added stress of having to tell people before you’re ready too and the stress of these “friends” forcing you to do so.

It is absolutely no business of your ex - who you broke up with 7 years ago! It wouldn’t even matter if at the wedding he found out when he saw you 7 months pregnant because again, it’s none of his business!

You said you were going to tell him in a few weeks anyway once you had time to process which is up to you, it’s before the wedding anyway so I can’t understand the pressure these friends are putting on you

My advice would be to pull out of the bridal party and wedding, ditch these fake friends and focus on you and baby x

GabriellaMontez · 23/03/2023 08:07

They sound like shit stirrers.

ShandaLear · 23/03/2023 08:08

Surely after 12 weeks or so, once you start telling people, it’s common knowledge anyway. If you have similar circles of friends someone has likely told him already? It’s not that big a deal - you’re pregnant, you’re not going into space or anything exciting like that. Lots of people get pregnant.

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:09

They are weirdos.

And they dont sound like very good friends either. The normal thing to do in a situation like this would be for them to mention in passing to your ex that you are pregnant.

Do they seriously expect you to contact an ex from 7 years ago to inform him you are preggers?

They are batshit.

Zonder · 23/03/2023 08:11

I would just tell them to go ahead and tell him. What does it matter? You broke up so long ago, if he is still pining for you that's his issue. Soon everyone will know anyway. If they are so concerned for him they can tell him.

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:14

Bunny44 · 23/03/2023 05:12

The couple were upset we broke up and the break up was instigated more by me so I guess they're thinking its somehow my fault. They thought we should get back together for a long time, but it's not up to them and I think myself and my ex should be permitted to move on.

I was also told I couldn't bring the baby's father to the wedding when we were still together, partly because they didn't know him well but also in case it upset my ex. I have no issue with a couple making the decision who they invite but it annoyed me that my ex was mentioned as a readon - it's as it I'm being chastised for daring to try and move on!

Show quote history

Good grief - it gets even weirder!

Why are you even friends with these people? They sound awful and toxic. I'd pull out of the wedding altogether - and I'd tell them I don't wish to have a relationship any longer.

Seriously OP - these are not friends.

DarkShade · 23/03/2023 08:14

Also if an ex from that long ago specifically contacted me to tell me he was having a baby I'd think it really weird behaviour, like he was trying to prove a point or rub my face in it, which would be super weird after 7 years. If I then found out that it's because he thought he was being considerate and I would need to emotionally process this news I'd be annoyed and offended that he thinks I'm so invested in him. It's different if you're friendly and catch up anyway on life in general every now and again, and you mention it in passing along with all the other things that have happened to you. Maybe this is your situation, in which case it's fine to mention it casually when you're ready and when you happen to speak. But going out of your way to tell your ex you're pregnant is actually weird and presumptuous!

oioimatey · 23/03/2023 08:14

God they're being so weird about it. They could just mention it to him rather than lying about it, it doesn't need to be so hush hush.

I don't normally say this but I'd back out of being a bridesmaid if it's causing this much trouble so early on. Just attend as a regular guest. Much easier, and you may get to enjoy yourself:)

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 08:15

Redebs · 23/03/2023 07:21

If you are going to be heavily pregnant at the wedding, he should be told.
He might have no interest at all or he might ask you about it.

It sounds as though the to-be-married couple don't want a lot of other people's drama at their wedding. You are very occupied with your situation about being abandoned etc at the moment and might want to tell your ex all about it for whatever reason.
He needs to be able to either ask or ignore in his own time. Not at the wedding, which is all about the bride and groom.

(Sounds as though you are planning a big reveal and a lot of drama. Probably better for you not to go to the wedding, actually.)

The OP has said several times that she will tell him before the wedding, she’s just not ready yet and the wedding is not for another three months. She’s also said that by the time the wedding comes around she will be seven months pregnant, which means she’s only four months along now. Perfectly reasonable not to want to tell anyone who doesn’t need to know, til after the 20 week scan. Nothing to do with a big reveal or a lot of drama, just common sense. These people are so caught up in their wedding that they’re prioritising their plans over the OP’s wellbeing, without a single thought to the fact that, unfortunately, things could go wrong with the pregnancy - which is why the OP doesn’t want many people to know. She had to tell the bride because of the dress, and aside from that issue it’s none of their business.

FraterculaArctica · 23/03/2023 08:16

I'm surprised more people haven't commented on the deeply weird and rude behaviour of the marrying couple refusing to invite your recent-ex, on the grounds it might upset the ex-ex. MN usually considers failure to invite an established partner as a major no-no. I'd bow out of the wedding party just because of this - they're far too controlling of your own relationship decisions.