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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm in court tomorrow. Feel like I'm living a nightmare.

188 replies

FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:10

This is very outing but I really need advice. I've been in family court for over 4 years now. I left my ex when my child was 4 months old. Now 4 years. Lovely little boy, thriving, happy, etc etc. His dad abused both of us, and was found in a finding of fact to have perpetrated coercive control, harassment, Intimidation, rough handling of our son (stupid way of minimising the word 'assault'), racial abuse against both of us (me and my son are both mixed race).

Initially I suggested that he go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, but the cafcass section 7 said he wasn't suitable as he was in denial of the facts found against him. It was only after this point, after two years of court hearings and denials that he suddenly changed his tune and 'saw a sea of change' and was referred onto the course. I disagreed with this as it was clearly not genuine and he was just out of options. I'd like to mention that I had to get 3 non molestation orders against him, one after it was recommended he attend the DAPP.

Now cafcass have changed their section 7 as he has passed the DAPP with flying colours. I requested the DAPP report and it is littered with lies and fabrications. I've pointed this out and am able to prove some. He also stayed in his statement and in the DAPP risk assessment that I have depression and suicidal tendencies, which I have already provided a letter to say this isn't the case.

Despite all of this, cafcass are recommending contact go ahead. I have contested this in my statement (which I must say is well written and balanced) and am awaiting a hearing tomorrow to see if contact should go ahead.

I can't cope with this. I feel like my abuser is about to be back in our lives and I'm living a nightmare. He is still a very angry person and his daughter from a previous relationship doesn't want to see him anymore because he is 'so angry all the time'. I am not allowed to evidence this in court as it has come from his family members who are not willing to testify. They are honest people and estranged from him.

How do I move forwards? He hasn't seen our son in 4 years. I'm so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:12

I forgot to mention, he is still in denial of the racial abuse and rough handling of our son. I don't know how the courts can justify any kind of contact considering he is still in denial of these facts that were proven in court.

OP posts:
Turnipworkharder · 22/03/2023 21:15

Really wish you good luck and really sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:19

Turnipworkharder · 22/03/2023 21:15

Really wish you good luck and really sorry you're going through this.

Thank you. I'm dreading attempting to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
Turnipworkharder · 22/03/2023 21:21

Hopefully the court will see sense. 💐

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:21

Turnipworkharder · 22/03/2023 21:21

Hopefully the court will see sense. 💐

I believe they go with cafcass recommendations 99%+ of the time

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 22/03/2023 21:29

If CAFCASS support contact, the court may allow some contact, I suspect

But if he hadn't seen your son for 4 years, he is a stranger to your child. Might be worth asking for only very limited contact eg 1 hr per month, supervised. And then cross your fingers that he loses interest

Hedgehog123 · 22/03/2023 21:30

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have support/ family? Are there any women’s groups or organisations that can support you? Sorry not to know what to suggest I’m sure you’ve explored all angles but I wish you all the best and I’m so so sorry it really is a horrible situation and it is awful that you have to go through this.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:32

NeedToChangeName · 22/03/2023 21:29

If CAFCASS support contact, the court may allow some contact, I suspect

But if he hadn't seen your son for 4 years, he is a stranger to your child. Might be worth asking for only very limited contact eg 1 hr per month, supervised. And then cross your fingers that he loses interest

I worry so much about him having contact then losing interest. Mainly because of the effect it would have on our son. I'm arguing for indirect contact, but if the judge orders in person contact it will be at a contact centre to start off. The problem with this is that you cannot have contact in a contact centre forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:33

NeedToChangeName · 22/03/2023 21:29

If CAFCASS support contact, the court may allow some contact, I suspect

But if he hadn't seen your son for 4 years, he is a stranger to your child. Might be worth asking for only very limited contact eg 1 hr per month, supervised. And then cross your fingers that he loses interest

Yes lots of support. Thank you.

OP posts:
Whydowebother · 22/03/2023 21:46

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this - well done for getting this far and touching the whole situation out, you’re doing an incredible job for your son.

I really hope they find for you tomorrow. Have you had any legal advice at all about dealing with the cafcass recommendation and discrediting what he’s said where it’s untrue? Will you have legal representation or any other support in court?

my emotionally abusive partner went on one of those courses and I had high hopes but sadly it barely changed his behaviour. The only change I notice is that he now does these apologies full of self justification when I call out his behavior - when he never used to apologise at all. Can’t say it’s enough though. I have no idea why they don’t loop the partner/ex or whoever is relevant into the process in a useful way - of course these guys can be plausible and great at lying, it’s how they got amazing women to waste their lives on them 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, I just wanted to say good luck. Remember to breathe. And if it doesn’t go the way it should then remember that, even though sometimes you have to play the hand you’re dealt, it doesn’t mean it’s the only one you’re ever getting. Just take one moment at a time.
Will be thinking of you 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Whydowebother · 22/03/2023 21:46

toughing the situation out (NOT touching 🙄) sorry

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 21:56

please don't jump down my throat for saying this as I do understand that you don't want contact to start only to stop again BUT if the court does award indirect contact first, then it will progress to contact centre etc, the abusive scumbag might just get bored and give up altogether. Yes, in short term very distressing and disruptive to your DC but in the longer term, this might be a good thing. Most abusive, controlling men only go through the whole court process, regardless of personal financial cost, to try and reassert their control over you and will do anything to get something that you don't want him to have, ie access to your child. If and when he succeeds, the reality of it all might just be too much of a lifestyle change for him. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like I'm on his side and championing him getting contact. But it's likely he'll get indirect contact at the very least so you've just got to hope he gets bored and goes away of his own accord once he has what he wants.

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:04

I'm so sorry, the whole system is monumentally flawed and most cafcass officers don't seem at all interested in (or able to) get to the truth of the matter. And as an organisation I think their philosophy could boil down to "contact for the parent,. whatever the cost to the child". Go in there and stay calm and professional and cooperative though.

But at least it should start in a contact centre. I would take the approach of seeking for the build up to be as slow as possible, so that your child will be getting older as contact increases.

If your son goes to school/nursery I would ask them for how they can support your son through this. Ensure he has some professionals he trusts in his life. My son was able to make disclosures to his head teacher this way as he trusted her (cafcass ignored them but the judge didn't)

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:06

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

Did you read the bit about him racially abusing and rough handling his child?

This is the flawed logic cafcass deploy.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:08

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

Yes, because he is abusive, he physically assaulted our child, he's racist and our son is mixed race, the last thing he ever said to me was that he was going to tell our son what an awful mother I was when he's older. There is no safe relationship with an abusive man.

OP posts:
ginswinger · 22/03/2023 22:08

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

I think the OP's concerns should be paramount. She is reporting a history of the father assaulting the child, racial abuse and she has been granted non mol orders several times. I think the OP is providing some very good reasons for severing the contact between the child and father, mainly to protect the child. It's really just about what's good for the child.

JanglyBeads · 22/03/2023 22:08

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

Er yes, if we believe the OP?

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:09

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:04

I'm so sorry, the whole system is monumentally flawed and most cafcass officers don't seem at all interested in (or able to) get to the truth of the matter. And as an organisation I think their philosophy could boil down to "contact for the parent,. whatever the cost to the child". Go in there and stay calm and professional and cooperative though.

But at least it should start in a contact centre. I would take the approach of seeking for the build up to be as slow as possible, so that your child will be getting older as contact increases.

If your son goes to school/nursery I would ask them for how they can support your son through this. Ensure he has some professionals he trusts in his life. My son was able to make disclosures to his head teacher this way as he trusted her (cafcass ignored them but the judge didn't)

This is really helpful advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Thisismeyeah · 22/03/2023 22:09

So sorry you and your son are going through this. I have no experience of this so am unable to offer advice but I do wish you luck and try and get some sleep, as hard as it is you will want a clear head tomorrow not a foggy one. Good luck 💐

ginswinger · 22/03/2023 22:10

No advice but I think you're doing a marvellous job. You're an amazing mum.

Moopsi · 22/03/2023 22:11

I have nothing helpful to add other than I'm also waiting for a court judgment tomorrow and also can't imagine how I will sleep tonight, so just a virtual handhold from me.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:11

ginswinger · 22/03/2023 22:10

No advice but I think you're doing a marvellous job. You're an amazing mum.

Thank you! I genuinely am a good mum. I'd do anything for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:11

Moopsi · 22/03/2023 22:11

I have nothing helpful to add other than I'm also waiting for a court judgment tomorrow and also can't imagine how I will sleep tonight, so just a virtual handhold from me.

Wishing you a lot of luck.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 22/03/2023 22:12

Wishing you all the best for your hearing. My heart goes out to you ☘️🌺