I'm in court tomorrow. Feel like I'm living a nightmare.

[FamilyCourtNightmare]

This is very outing but I really need advice. I've been in family court for over 4 years now. I left my ex when my child was 4 months old. Now 4 years. Lovely little boy, thriving, happy, etc etc. His dad abused both of us, and was found in a finding of fact to have perpetrated coercive control, harassment, Intimidation, rough handling of our son (stupid way of minimising the word 'assault'), racial abuse against both of us (me and my son are both mixed race).

Initially I suggested that he go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, but the cafcass section 7 said he wasn't suitable as he was in denial of the facts found against him. It was only after this point, after two years of court hearings and denials that he suddenly changed his tune and 'saw a sea of change' and was referred onto the course. I disagreed with this as it was clearly not genuine and he was just out of options. I'd like to mention that I had to get 3 non molestation orders against him, one after it was recommended he attend the DAPP.

Now cafcass have changed their section 7 as he has passed the DAPP with flying colours. I requested the DAPP report and it is littered with lies and fabrications. I've pointed this out and am able to prove some. He also stayed in his statement and in the DAPP risk assessment that I have depression and suicidal tendencies, which I have already provided a letter to say this isn't the case.

Despite all of this, cafcass are recommending contact go ahead. I have contested this in my statement (which I must say is well written and balanced) and am awaiting a hearing tomorrow to see if contact should go ahead.

I can't cope with this. I feel like my abuser is about to be back in our lives and I'm living a nightmare. He is still a very angry person and his daughter from a previous relationship doesn't want to see him anymore because he is 'so angry all the time'. I am not allowed to evidence this in court as it has come from his family members who are not willing to testify. They are honest people and estranged from him.

How do I move forwards? He hasn't seen our son in 4 years. I'm so scared.

So sorry your going through this OP. No words I’m just wishing you the best of luck and I hope it’s the best possible outcome for you and your lovely DS. It sounds like your doing the best by him.

I agree with this I think the judge has made a very tactical decision here. £70 a time and travel expenses aswell as the 7 hour round trip I can imagine that wearing thin quick and contact falling by the wayside at which point you're hopefully free as his options are limited.

He can easily afford £70 a month so it'll be the travel that might be an issue. I've told my 4yo he will be seeing his dad soon so he's prepared and he just screamed his head off saying he doesn't want to go and wants to stay home with me. He has no reason to feel this way. I've never told him one bad word about his dad, just that he's 'not very well and has been getting better' and that he loves him. Don't know if this was the right thing to do but it felt like this was what he needed to hear. I really hope this doesn't affect him too badly and he's OK on the day.

There is something very wrong with this country!

Have you considered contacting your MP?

The Rochdale abusers who used and abused a young girl, one who impregnated her has been granted access to his child and has been allowed to use his right to a family life to avoid deportation

What a sick world we live in. There’s only one place for these type of people and it isn’t on this earth as far as I’m concerned.

OP my heart really goes out to you. Remember you have done your best, you have remained strong, you have done everything within your power to protect your darling son. You sound like an amazing woman and an inspiration

He’s going to have to consistently put in the effort to travel, be on time and pay. He will lose interest. You will only be required to wait for fifteen minutes for him to show up then go about your day. If he gets there late and you have been and gone, and he loses his shit, that will be recorded.

Can you ask the mother of his other daughter if she would testify?

I'm going to write to my MP, even if it does just help raise awareness. Can anyone please help me with where to start? I want to do it now whilst I am still in the thick of it. I want to get it off my chest. But I need help as my mind is so blurred.

You just google your area and local mp- his or her name will come up and you’ll have an online form to submit your enquiry

Its very simple and easy to do

Does he see his other child? Does she live far away? What were the circumstances there

OP, you can put your postcode into this site and it will bring up your MP, and local councillors, and contact details.

https://www.writetothem.com/

You may already be aware of this site, too, but just leaving it here in case it's of use:

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

Lots of info on your rights and the law.

You're talking about what you want. Have you thought about what the child wants at all? It is very harsh to completely cut a child off from their father.

Even if the man is aggressive, contact will be done with supervision in a contact centre.

Just because someone is aggressive/has flaws does not mean you can take their child away forever.

That is why their are laws in place to protect father's rights. And that is why carcass have said this. It would be very very harsh of you to take someone's child away from them for all eternity. You are not allowed to do that. That is why there are laws in place. The father is entitled to contact with his child. He is his flesh and blood.

Mooshamoo are you mentally well?

And I'm not saying I don't believe you as it may well have happened. But we are only hearing your side of the story. You are saying he is abusive.

Every woman who doesn't want her ex partner to have contact with the child will say he is abusive. It is the best thing she can say to persuade the court that the child shouldn't see him.
A woman saying that a man is abusive doesn't mean that the man is abusive. It is up for the court to figure out the truth.

For example, I know one couple. They are separated. They have one child. I was friends with them when they were together. I saw the woman abuse the man many times, I saw her belittle and demean him and insult him. I saw her be really cruel to him . I eventually stopped being friends with her as she was so abusive to him . The man was a lovely kind man and he was a great dad.

After they split up, she wouldn't let him see the child, and she told the family courts that the man was abusive to her and had hit her, and hit her son. None of it was true. He spent a year fighting this and he now has regular contact with his son.

Just because a woman says that a man it is abusive, does not mean that a man is abusive. Anyone can say anything. The courts will figure it out.

It would be very very harsh of you to take someone's child away from them for all eternity.

Unbelievable.

Yes. Are you?

Do you think it's okay for a child to cut him off from his father?

Would you think it's okay to cut a child off from his mother? To never see his mother ever ever again?

So why would it be ok to cut him off from his father?

Do we have any proof that the man is abusive? Do you just accept what the OP says is true. Why?

Obviously what she tells us is coming from her. It is going to paint her in a good light and him in a bad light.

That is why it is up to the courts to establish the truth.

We have op's word. That is not proven fact.

We have laws in this country that state that people are entitled to parental rights.

One parent is not allowed to take a child away from another parent. It is not allowed.

BY LAW.

That is why cafass have told her that contact must be in place.

I'm astounded that people on here don't know this.

This might be worth trying for advice

https://www.centreforwomensjustice.org.uk/harriet-wistrich

Harriet Wistrich specialises in human rights for women , those who've been abused or victims of coercive control

Someone saying that their ex is abusive doesn't make their abusive.

I could say that my boyfriend is abusive. Do you all believe he is abusive, just because I wrote it there?

You are very naive.

That is why courts exist. To establish the facts and to put the welfare of the child first.

I'm astounded that people on here don't know this.

The women on here know it very well, don’t they. That’s literally what this thread is about. The concerns of a domestically abused mother to protect her abused child from their abusive father.

It’s beyond obvious that contact isn’t just taken away - read the above.

MRAs for the win, nice look.

Contact HAS already been recommended with the child by the authorities. The OP wants to fight this.

I see a lot of women on the thread here saying "I hope it goes your way OP".

Even though the organisations that are concerned with the child's welfare HAVE ALREADY recommended that there should be contact between this father and child.

Yes. That’s not good. As you say, they do sway towards contact even when it’s not good for the child. I’m going to leave this here as it’s not helpful for the OP in her distressing situation. Crowing about an abusive man gaining contact, on a site for mothers, where the OP has come in a devastating time, to essentially say ‘not all men’ is really something else. Or it would be, if it wasn’t so predictable.

I had three non molestation orders against him, he was put on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme and has admitted all of the abuse against me (just not our son as he knows that as soon as he admits that it will be on file), he has been deemed unsafe to be in the same room as our child for 4 years, he has a history of police reports that I didn't know about for domestic abuse, he was found to be abusive on a multitude of levels by a judge in family courts. I could go on but I won't. Bar putting the court paperwork on here for you all to see (which I wouldn't because it is illegal) I don't know what you expect me to do. Unless you think I'm on here having you all on I don't really know what you expect people to say.

Contact is recommended in these cases, because cutting a child off from a parent is a form of abuse towards the child. All studies show that children function better in all parts of their lives if they have a father in their life.

Him being abusive to her (if he is) doesn't really matter. If he is I am sorry to hear it, but it does not impact him seeing his child .

Many adults are abusive in some form. Many adults have mental illnesses or have traumas /pain.

They are still entitled to see their child under supervised circumstances.

If he is like that. I'm sorry to hear it.

Are you concerned because you think the child will be alone with him?

Contact with your child in cases like this would be under supervised circumstances.

It would not be possible for anything to happen to the child.