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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm in court tomorrow. Feel like I'm living a nightmare.

188 replies

FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 21:10

This is very outing but I really need advice. I've been in family court for over 4 years now. I left my ex when my child was 4 months old. Now 4 years. Lovely little boy, thriving, happy, etc etc. His dad abused both of us, and was found in a finding of fact to have perpetrated coercive control, harassment, Intimidation, rough handling of our son (stupid way of minimising the word 'assault'), racial abuse against both of us (me and my son are both mixed race).

Initially I suggested that he go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, but the cafcass section 7 said he wasn't suitable as he was in denial of the facts found against him. It was only after this point, after two years of court hearings and denials that he suddenly changed his tune and 'saw a sea of change' and was referred onto the course. I disagreed with this as it was clearly not genuine and he was just out of options. I'd like to mention that I had to get 3 non molestation orders against him, one after it was recommended he attend the DAPP.

Now cafcass have changed their section 7 as he has passed the DAPP with flying colours. I requested the DAPP report and it is littered with lies and fabrications. I've pointed this out and am able to prove some. He also stayed in his statement and in the DAPP risk assessment that I have depression and suicidal tendencies, which I have already provided a letter to say this isn't the case.

Despite all of this, cafcass are recommending contact go ahead. I have contested this in my statement (which I must say is well written and balanced) and am awaiting a hearing tomorrow to see if contact should go ahead.

I can't cope with this. I feel like my abuser is about to be back in our lives and I'm living a nightmare. He is still a very angry person and his daughter from a previous relationship doesn't want to see him anymore because he is 'so angry all the time'. I am not allowed to evidence this in court as it has come from his family members who are not willing to testify. They are honest people and estranged from him.

How do I move forwards? He hasn't seen our son in 4 years. I'm so scared.

OP posts:
Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:15

I think your child should be given the chance to develop a relationship with his father if it can be done safely. If he's a nob then your son will come to his own conclusions when he is older.

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:15

I will be thinking of you both tomorrow.

And remember, you have done your best, you can be at peace that you did your best.

Flowers
SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:16

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:15

I think your child should be given the chance to develop a relationship with his father if it can be done safely. If he's a nob then your son will come to his own conclusions when he is older.

With a violent racist?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/03/2023 22:17

I have just sent you a message directly.

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:17

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:15

I think your child should be given the chance to develop a relationship with his father if it can be done safely. If he's a nob then your son will come to his own conclusions when he is older.

Strange how we encourage women to leave their abusers, often judge them if they don't, but don't believe children have the same right to live free from abuse.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:18

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:15

I think your child should be given the chance to develop a relationship with his father if it can be done safely. If he's a nob then your son will come to his own conclusions when he is older.

I don't believe it can be done safely. That's the issue here.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:19

Thank you for everyone's well wishes.

OP posts:
tenbob · 22/03/2023 22:19

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:15

I think your child should be given the chance to develop a relationship with his father if it can be done safely. If he's a nob then your son will come to his own conclusions when he is older.

You don’t know very much about the impact of childhood trauma on people then…

’realise his dad is a nob’ is extraordinary minimising of what legacy abuse can have on someone

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:20

tenbob · 22/03/2023 22:19

You don’t know very much about the impact of childhood trauma on people then…

’realise his dad is a nob’ is extraordinary minimising of what legacy abuse can have on someone

Show quote history

It really is. To me 'being a nob' is how I would describe my brother if he had annoyed me a little bit. Domestic abuse is far, far worse than 'being a nob'. Child abuse is even worse.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:21

Make sure you have a chocolate bar or something handy for after. And a bottle of water with you and something to do to distract yourself (even if it's just games on your phone)

Do you have someone going with you?

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:22

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:21

Make sure you have a chocolate bar or something handy for after. And a bottle of water with you and something to do to distract yourself (even if it's just games on your phone)

Do you have someone going with you?

I have a mckenzie friend coming with me who I am very grateful for. My mum is going to meet me after (I didn't want her to be there).

OP posts:
BritInAus · 22/03/2023 22:23

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:00

Would it be so bad if your son were tbe givwn the chance to begin to build a relationship with his father provided it could be done safely and at a pace with which your son is comfortable?

Seriously? Did you totally skip the part about him abusing his son?

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:25

The positive I think is that you have given your son 4 happy safe years now, and he knows what a good parent relationship feels like. My son spent his toddler and preschool years witnessing the abuse and it took time for him to heal and know what normal was like.

And hopefully by the time (if it ever does happen) your ex was allowed unsupervised contact your son will be older and much more able to speak up -.hence my encouragement to make sure he knows who he can talk to , push for Elsa support at school or similar.

Deep breath, stay calm tomorrow and feel free to come here and talk it through after

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:25

Yes seriously. Indirect contact would be a start and it would be safe. The child has a right to have a relationship ship with his father on some level

HappyHedgehog247 · 22/03/2023 22:26

Have courage. Judges do not always rule with Cafcass. Often, but not always. Be true and cooperative. Start with the smallest step you can, if needed, so that safety can be assured.

BritInAus · 22/03/2023 22:26

Wanted to wish you the very best of luck, OP. I agree with PP that this 'man' is doing this as a last attempt to control you. He has no interest in your son. Hoping contact will be very minimal and supervised, and he will lose interested very soon.

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:27

Member869894 · 22/03/2023 22:25

Yes seriously. Indirect contact would be a start and it would be safe. The child has a right to have a relationship ship with his father on some level

He already has indirect contact. That's not what I'm worried about. I can vet indirect contact and make sure it's safe.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:27

FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:22

I have a mckenzie friend coming with me who I am very grateful for. My mum is going to meet me after (I didn't want her to be there).

Show quote history

That sounds like a good plan. Glad you won't be on your own.

Reinventinganna · 22/03/2023 22:27

I see you’ve got two replies from a violent man. How lovely of you @Member869894.

Good luck tomorrow @FamilyCourtNightmare

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:28

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:25

The positive I think is that you have given your son 4 happy safe years now, and he knows what a good parent relationship feels like. My son spent his toddler and preschool years witnessing the abuse and it took time for him to heal and know what normal was like.

And hopefully by the time (if it ever does happen) your ex was allowed unsupervised contact your son will be older and much more able to speak up -.hence my encouragement to make sure he knows who he can talk to , push for Elsa support at school or similar.

Deep breath, stay calm tomorrow and feel free to come here and talk it through after

I'm very grateful to have had 4 years abuse free and with my ex out of my life. I know I sound awfully bitter but I'm really not, I just want to live my life and for my son to be safe from physical and emotional harm.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:30

Just to add I have already agreed that I am happy for letters and photographs to be exchanged. Indirect contact is what I am pushing for. I want my son to know who his dad is. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I just don't think direct contact is safe.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 22:30

Whatever you do/say/happens tomorrow stay calm do not give him any ammo

Stay strong Op

Good luck

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:30

HappyHedgehog247 · 22/03/2023 22:26

Have courage. Judges do not always rule with Cafcass. Often, but not always. Be true and cooperative. Start with the smallest step you can, if needed, so that safety can be assured.

Agreed. If you can calmly point out factual inaccuracies the judge may well be grateful.

I have a relative who is a family court judge and was quite frank about his views about the poor quality of a lot of their reports

Original poster
FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:32

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:30

Agreed. If you can calmly point out factual inaccuracies the judge may well be grateful.

I have a relative who is a family court judge and was quite frank about his views about the poor quality of a lot of their reports

Show quote history

To be honest, cafcass are just following what the DAPP report has said and it said that he was cooperative, shared how he felt and that he is low risk (in my opinion they shouldn't be commenting on risk considering they only saw him once a week for 20 weeks). I like my cafcass officer, I just hope that the judge sees the inaccuracies that I have pointed out.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 22:32

FamilyCourtNightmare · 22/03/2023 22:28

I'm very grateful to have had 4 years abuse free and with my ex out of my life. I know I sound awfully bitter but I'm really not, I just want to live my life and for my son to be safe from physical and emotional harm.

Show quote history

I totally understand. And I think that's the bare minimum we are all entitled to ask for. You don't need to apologise for wanting that.