I'm in court tomorrow. Feel like I'm living a nightmare.

[FamilyCourtNightmare]

This is very outing but I really need advice. I've been in family court for over 4 years now. I left my ex when my child was 4 months old. Now 4 years. Lovely little boy, thriving, happy, etc etc. His dad abused both of us, and was found in a finding of fact to have perpetrated coercive control, harassment, Intimidation, rough handling of our son (stupid way of minimising the word 'assault'), racial abuse against both of us (me and my son are both mixed race).

Initially I suggested that he go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, but the cafcass section 7 said he wasn't suitable as he was in denial of the facts found against him. It was only after this point, after two years of court hearings and denials that he suddenly changed his tune and 'saw a sea of change' and was referred onto the course. I disagreed with this as it was clearly not genuine and he was just out of options. I'd like to mention that I had to get 3 non molestation orders against him, one after it was recommended he attend the DAPP.

Now cafcass have changed their section 7 as he has passed the DAPP with flying colours. I requested the DAPP report and it is littered with lies and fabrications. I've pointed this out and am able to prove some. He also stayed in his statement and in the DAPP risk assessment that I have depression and suicidal tendencies, which I have already provided a letter to say this isn't the case.

Despite all of this, cafcass are recommending contact go ahead. I have contested this in my statement (which I must say is well written and balanced) and am awaiting a hearing tomorrow to see if contact should go ahead.

I can't cope with this. I feel like my abuser is about to be back in our lives and I'm living a nightmare. He is still a very angry person and his daughter from a previous relationship doesn't want to see him anymore because he is 'so angry all the time'. I am not allowed to evidence this in court as it has come from his family members who are not willing to testify. They are honest people and estranged from him.

How do I move forwards? He hasn't seen our son in 4 years. I'm so scared.

Be strong tomorrow, calm and distant from any emotions this man will try to rouse in you; the courts are aware of manipulation. Indirect contact - all about showing reliability and consistency in a child centered manner for a decent period of time and then to consider the position prior to opening the possibility of direct supervised contact. Let him show if he’s going to actually do what is required, not just a few times but every time he’s supposed to. The Court will rely heavily on the section 7 report but will hear both sides and make the judgment. Do you have representation? Emphasise any (hopefully none but if it comes to this) short slow, sessions, in a contact Center, age appropriate and child centered to show consistency and permit a relationship to develop, as there is absolutely none currently and historically it has been abusive.
Please come back and tell us how you get on 🕯️

If you have time tonight stick markers in the file so you can find points quickly, ask the judge if you feel unsure about any points made by the other side/cafcass, look ahead at judge and take blank noteb

Sending strength your way. All the very best for tomorrow. Xx

I'm self representing.

Oops notebook so your Mackenzie friend can scribble stuff to you as you talk, raise questions/doubts/ ask for clarification and if cafcass are forceful work out your least worst options ie slow and sure process in contact centre, ask who will monitor, what will happen if ex makes racist comments or denigrates you in front of your son. Remember you are not the defendant but are an advocate for your position so you should be able to ask as well as respond to the other side
Very best of luck 💐

@Member869894

The child has a right to have a relationship ship with his father on some level

The child has a right not to be exposed to physical and racial abuse, whether the perpetrator is a blood relation or not.

Saying 'he'll realise if he's a nob' is woefully naive. Kids don't just realised their abusive parent is a nob. They internalise the abuse and it becomes normalised, so they don't understand it is unacceptable. Not only does that mean they often maintain an unhealthy and abusive dynamic with that parent, it also means they are very vulnerable to replicating that dynamic in their own adult relationships.

This really scares me, I really hope that I am enough to prevent this from happening.

Good luck for tomorrow. 💐

You sound like you're an amazing mum @FamilyCourtNightmare and exactly the kind of mum who will help stop that internalising of abuse, because you're making it crystal clear it's unacceptable and providing a safe place for your son to live and be loved free of his father - even if he ends up having to have some contact centre time etc.

You should be really bloody proud of yourself, your son will be too when he's older and understands how much your fought for his wellbeing

I agree with every word of this

Im sorry to say but they will support contact with the dad 100% of the time. Even when sexual abuse and convicted of violence. They have an agenda of avoiding parental alienation and will tell you that contact with father is more important than anything. The magistrates are clueless unqualified areseholes and follow a tick box work sheet in making thier decisions. If you kick off they label you mental or an abuser. Im so so sorry but im years ahead in what you are going thru and its unbelievable hell. No one would believe you if you told them

Absolutely

I'm in front of a district judge as opposed to magistrates due to the extent of the abuse.

Wishing you the best for tomorrow. I wonder if there has been or ever will be a huge class action against the courts by people who were forced to have contact with abusive parents as children?

@Member869894 FFS. Read the original post and then read your post back to yourself.

And /or against cafcass. Yes, I think that this is what is required to inject some balance back into decision making

In my experience even with pages and pages of evidence i was critisized for denying a relationship. They seem blind to abuse and automatically asume as the victim you are lying

I won't labour on my experiences but the sad and sorry facts are that family court is a broken system in desperate need of reform (it was spoken about in parliament today - much needed) and I know of cases where even men convicted of sexual harm against children are granted contact.

It's fucked up and laypeople who don't know the system would never believe quite how fucked up it is, institutionally. The family court asset strips parents and traffics children into abuse and if you think that's 'nonsense' or a wild conspiracy theory you've no idea. Imagine being court ordered to face your rapist eh!

You haven't said what kind of contact they have suggested. If pushed, you could suggest letterbox contact as a final order or other indirect contact? You don't want to seem entirely hostile to all contact (and yes, I know that's hard, but you have to play the game).

This hasn't been my experience. The judges so far have been very compassionate and he hasn't been granted any contact for 4 years. Will just have to see what happens tomorrow.

I really hope this helps. I was infront of a woman judge and thought this might help. She actively cracked jokes with the other party and fawned over him.

Glad it's a DJ op, you are right that they are more likely to have the guts to depart a bit from cafcass recommendations.

If you can, put forward a sensible list of counter proposals. My relative who is a judge says one of the hardest things is when people can't articulate what they do want to see in the court order. As others have said , I'd focus on gently slowing things down (the older he is the better) and building in safeguards.

That sounds awful. I've never experienced that. I've been very lucky.

Im sorry to say but everything you say in my experience is 100% true

He racially and physically abused him and hasn't seen him for years????

They will allow contact and probably lecture mum for being abusive by not allowing it. Zero risk assessment and zero safeguarding