I'm in court tomorrow. Feel like I'm living a nightmare.

[FamilyCourtNightmare]

This is very outing but I really need advice. I've been in family court for over 4 years now. I left my ex when my child was 4 months old. Now 4 years. Lovely little boy, thriving, happy, etc etc. His dad abused both of us, and was found in a finding of fact to have perpetrated coercive control, harassment, Intimidation, rough handling of our son (stupid way of minimising the word 'assault'), racial abuse against both of us (me and my son are both mixed race).

Initially I suggested that he go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, but the cafcass section 7 said he wasn't suitable as he was in denial of the facts found against him. It was only after this point, after two years of court hearings and denials that he suddenly changed his tune and 'saw a sea of change' and was referred onto the course. I disagreed with this as it was clearly not genuine and he was just out of options. I'd like to mention that I had to get 3 non molestation orders against him, one after it was recommended he attend the DAPP.

Now cafcass have changed their section 7 as he has passed the DAPP with flying colours. I requested the DAPP report and it is littered with lies and fabrications. I've pointed this out and am able to prove some. He also stayed in his statement and in the DAPP risk assessment that I have depression and suicidal tendencies, which I have already provided a letter to say this isn't the case.

Despite all of this, cafcass are recommending contact go ahead. I have contested this in my statement (which I must say is well written and balanced) and am awaiting a hearing tomorrow to see if contact should go ahead.

I can't cope with this. I feel like my abuser is about to be back in our lives and I'm living a nightmare. He is still a very angry person and his daughter from a previous relationship doesn't want to see him anymore because he is 'so angry all the time'. I am not allowed to evidence this in court as it has come from his family members who are not willing to testify. They are honest people and estranged from him.

How do I move forwards? He hasn't seen our son in 4 years. I'm so scared.

Remember judge has only given him an opportunity not access. He still has to tow the line until such time he shows promise. Don't worry too much op.

I know that feeling well - I'm so sorry.

It will be okay, because he has you.

He now has to attend every session which will come with a full report, can he do that?

The issue is, if the abusive father is performative (like my ex) they get a glowing report. In reality, he was angry, pushed the child, never paid the blindest bit of attention to them, assaulted me in front of them and put them in danger. BUT when it came to showing off to the (female) support workers at the contact centre for an hour of a fantastic 'great dad' performance, he achieved glowing reports.

After that, nothing else mattered and it moved to unsupervised. They didn't care about sexual abuse, physical abuse to the child, the police record of abuse, nothing.

I just can't imagine being my son, and potentially finding out how his son treated his mum for years. I don't mention this often but when my son was conceived, I said no, but he still continued to have sex with me even though I was silently crying and he could see this. I didn't fight him off but I'm so angry I now have to hand my son over to this man. Sadly that fact wasn't found because I froze on the stand.

I am so sorry. The exact same happened to me (but he did it after my son was born). It's going to CPS for a charging decision along with the rest of the abuse but no one cared in FC.

Family court is traumatic tbh as you have to write about and relive on the stand these moments.

Is this a final order? How much longer do you have to go to achieve a final order?

I at least have a lives with order but ex has unsupervised EOW (just started) but was in contact centre for over a year.

It WILL be okay. He may not get past this point. Does he have to pay the burden of costs for the contact centre? Will he even continue?

He has to pay for it all and also do the travelling. He lives 3.5 hours away. We'll see. I suspect it will only go wrong if it goes to unsupervised. I'd love to have him charged for all the abuse against me but I don't think there's any point in trying. Especially now he's a 'changed man'. So sorry to everyone else on this thread doing similar.

I'm so sorry.

Don't beat yourself up, you did what you could. It's the system that's failing children, not you.

I am sure there are multiple layers of worry for you know, both for you and for your son and I am so sorry that you have been let down.

Let's hope the distance involved at least provides some protection and some breaks on the progress.

Don't forget to speak to nursery and then school and make sure he has some neutral professional support (not because I doubt you for a second, but it will give him another potential voice) .

Keep chatting to him about what behaviours are /are not ok for adults. Keep talking about how he can find safe adults.

And also make sure you get support for yourself, I have found counselling, from someone how understands abuse and how it manifests, really helpful

Thank you mumsnet. And for helping me leave 4 years ago. I would likely have stayed a lot longer if it wasn't for you all. Thank you for helping me stick to my guns and subsequently gaining 4 abuse free years. You are all so important.

Hope all has gone well today, or thinking of you if it hasnt yet started. Good luck OP x

And they were such key years too. And you will always be a safe place for your son,.that's very different from growing up around constant abuse.

I'm so sorry, OP. None of it seems right or fair, either for you or your son. Now that I know he lives 3.5 hours away makes me more certain that he won't maintain contact. He has 'won' now and hopefully now he'll get bored and frustrated with the travel. Maybe having to stick to a court ordered timetable - to him, this will mean he's not in full control of the situation - will also make him think it's not worth his time and effort. Upsetting for you both initially, but hopefully the visits won't continue for very long. 💐

The expense, travel and supervision may put him off now he feels he's 'beaten' you - let's hope . I know private centres aren't cheap, up to £50 an hour. How long does he have each session?

You know his nature and you'll know whether he'll continue because he wants access to further abuse you or whether he'll get bored and fade out.

well done on how you have handled yourself OP.

I wish you all the strength you need for the future and you sound like a fabulous person and amazing Mum.

It's £35 per parent but the court have ordered he has to cover both of our costs

Bet he loses interest VERY soon. I think the judge is very much on your side and forcing the issue.

OP, I'm so very very sorry.

I am in awe of your strength and courage. Your son will see that, too.

Wishing you my very best.

Actually I think the judge could be being very wiley here op.
Him travelling and being watched? That won't last. Maybe Judge has set him up for a Big Fail op?
Sorting it out now can save you another 4 years of shite to deal with.

Be patient. Hard but worthwhile I bet.

Op I have seen this with a few friends that the abusive men were just desperate to ‘win’ and when they actually could see their kids they lost interest. These are men live in the same town so I can’t imagine someone who lives 350 miles away will be bothered. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that contact will dwindle.

Op

Im so sorry that you met this monster

The judge has made it as difficult as possible for him.

sending hugs

Did you report the incidents to police? Police can speak to the child as well, on video, which could help.

Have you included that threat in your statement? that's parental alienation and the family courts don't like that.

Keep a diary of every single incident. Buy a year diary and put incidents in for you to refer to. A diary only for that because in statements you are best putting accurate dates with each claim.

I'm sorry to hear he has been granted contact. When the initial shock has worn off it may be worth considering contacting your mp. It is a disgrace we subject children to abusers under the guise of it being best for the child

Sorry to hear he got access.
However I think the poster earlier has a point re the judge seeing to make life awkward for him. As he lives 350 miles away, AND has to pay £70 for the contact - if he drives that'll cost at least £100 in fuel and be an all day job for an hour visitation.

Will he keep it up?

Is it cruel of me to suggest you definitely make sure he knows you're going to meet a friend for a cup of coffee while he has access. Might encourage him to be late so you miss your meet-up. Being late won't help him of course.

This is a good tactic. When my ex had to get his kids off his ex, every time he knew she was going for a weekend retreat to recharge or anything, he would be late deliberately just to ruin her time away from the kids. One child was disabled so she needed that time to recharge

I’m so sorry OP. It’s just so distressing that they can’t see past this kind of BS to the heart of the matter.

Just remember that whatever happens from here you have managed to create an abuse free life for your child in his earliest most formative years. You’ve equipped him to see this behaviour for what it is as he grows older.

I really do hope, for your sake, that his dad loses interest. But also that you’ve proved to yourself that whatever happens in the next few years, you can handle it. You’re doing an amazing job - just hold onto that and hold onto yourself xxx