Who is being unreasonable ?

[Grouchymardybum25]

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

Pick your fights, OP. Return the clothes. Surely it's just not worth the aggro. It doesn't matter if it's pathetic or not, if you make it an issue, it will eventually have an impact on the child.

His Mum bought the clothes, she wants to see him wearing them. Yes return them.

Yes YABU to think it is pathetic. She has bought the clothes, she wants to see them. I don’t even understand why you would care.

Wait she does see them, he doesn’t not wear them to their house.
however making its for a few hours a week so we would have to send him then him get changed then changed back.
But yes I do think it’s pathetic he doesn’t only wear them to hers no but providing some clothes ( minimal ) for your child shouldn’t be an issue for him to wear them more then 2 hours in a week 🤷‍♀️

Return the clothes.

I had more stress over clothes going AWOL than anything else when mine were small.

I bought the clothes, I wanted to see them wearing them and I'd spent money on (say) a set of "good" clothes for parties/weddings/church in a Sunday and I never saw them in them more than once. Used to piss me right off. And I was the RP.

She obviously wants to feel some control (in a healthy way, not abusive) and connection as a Mum. She's buying her child stuff, just like other Mums and wants to experience those things with her child. I'm sure later on if pictures are taken the child will like the idea that Mum bought what was pictured. I worked with families within the foster care etc system. You sound very cold and not understanding. If she only has supervised visits then she's got her own issues? That adds another dimension. It isn't pathetic. Always remember that this is that child's birth Mum. That relationship, links with our mental health etc and managing that, well, is about the child, not the parent.

return the clothes

It doesn't matter what you think

It's the little tiny bit of control she has. Just return them.

The clothes should always go back. Though if dad's washing them and send them back next time I don't see her issue. Sounds like maybe he's not giving her enough maintenance for her to be able to have sufficient clothes at her house?

It doesn’t matter what I think ? I can’t see how it will work if we return the clothes. What do we then send him in for 2 hours ?

Does the other parent of this child think the same? Are you voicing this in their home? Have you no empathy?

When child gets old enough they'll be able to take stuff between homes I imagine

He has custody most of the time, why would he be paying maintenance?!

@Fluffodils no we pay no child support 🤔

Ah missed that bit sorry! In which case nah just make sure you send the clothes back whatever state they are in and she can wash them.

The other parent is upset about it yes, I am guessing what you referring to is though I’m just the “step mum “.

Yeah sorry my bad! Is she paying your DH?

you wash the clothes, bag them up and hand them over to his mum. Its not difficult!

They are fine enough rules by Mum who want to enjoy seeing the clothes.

No child support, I don’t have issue him wedding the clothes for contact just not sure why he Can’t wear them at home as well.

I agree with whoever said you sound very cold.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

so we should get him dressed, then he gets changed again when he gets there and then gets changed again before he comes home ?

rather than us getting him dressed in those specific clothes for contact and using them in-between to ?

I kind of get that the OP is saying she’s sending the DC for contact visits wearing the clothes in question, then when is she supposed to hand them over to the birth Mum, strip the kid at handover and give the clothes back to the birth Mum? And then is the birth Mum going to change the kid into those clothes the next contact session? It does all sound like an unnecessary faff….

BUT As PP has said, it’s likely the birth Mum has considerable issues for there to be a set up like this and it’s obviously something she’s latched on to as important to her so I’m erring on the side of just placate her, it’s not worth the stress. Although the practicalities will need some working out.

I didn't assume your sex. But a child primary age, doesn't mean necessarily a long relationship between you and it is ultimately up to biological parents. If you both get caught up in petty arguments then the child will suffer. It does make a difference when Mum loses residency. There's still societal expectations around the relationship and some things have to be more sensitively handled. You dress the child in your clothes, she changes them and changes them back, if possible. The clothes get rotated, it's simple enough. Do you both have good relationships with your Mum's? Think if you'd want barriers put in place between you, growing up.

Weirdly I am usually the least cold person in this whole set up and usually the contact point between them both but this time I see his point !