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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable ?

230 replies

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 07:43

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:40

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:23

She has minimal contact. It wouldn't hurt to just not be a dick.

(Not you OP)

Show quote history

What sending wet clothes back?

Part of parenting is doing the chores it's not being a dick to let her do that with the clothes she has bought.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:41

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:33

@raspberrywine I mean he does wear other clothes on contact days. My issue is she now wants them retuning at the end of contact so he would be getting changed MUTIPLE times for 2 hours once possibly in the back of my car !

Yeah that's really shit for the poor kid

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 08:42

Sugarplumfairy65 · 22/03/2023 08:37

Just dress him in what you would normally dress him in, put the clothing that the mother bought in a fucking bag and send them back with him next time. Stop trying to cause problems and show a bit of kindness

Show quote history

This, its really not hard. The only reason the clothes are there in the first place is because he fell in a puddle, they were never intended to stay at ops house.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:46

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:33

@raspberrywine I mean he does wear other clothes on contact days. My issue is she now wants them retuning at the end of contact so he would be getting changed MUTIPLE times for 2 hours once possibly in the back of my car !

Oh she's expecting him to change for two hours?! No that's mad. He should be able to wear whatever he wants on those days.

I only understood her wanting to keep the clothes for the overnights.

LondonPretty · 22/03/2023 08:46

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GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:47

Stop trying to cause problems and show a bit of kindness

OP's the one facilitating all the contact. I think she's showing a lot of kindness. All this does it make more work for her.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 08:49

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:47

Stop trying to cause problems and show a bit of kindness

OP's the one facilitating all the contact. I think she's showing a lot of kindness. All this does it make more work for her.

How is bagging the clothes up and handing them over making work? Shes making herself more work by giving this any headspace. its really quite simple.

Mortimercat · 22/03/2023 08:51

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:33

@raspberrywine I mean he does wear other clothes on contact days. My issue is she now wants them retuning at the end of contact so he would be getting changed MUTIPLE times for 2 hours once possibly in the back of my car !

Why multiple changes? I don’t understand what you mean. You keep saying things about changing every two hours, can’t make any sense of it. She just wants the clothes she bought, why are you making out such a simple request is so hard?

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:59

She no longer wants the clothes at our house
so of course he will have to change.
there is a week between all contacts.
so we won’t have the clothes at our house to put on for contact, and she doesn’t want them left at ours so we would have to put him in diff clothes, then him get changed in to clothes at her house and then upon me picking him up.

OP posts:
Harriyet · 22/03/2023 09:00

Are you sure she wants him changed multiple times in the back of the car, sounded more to me like she just wants those clothes putting back in his bag to leave at her house, or should she need to change him into them and he comes home in them, then send them back again.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:00

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:59

She no longer wants the clothes at our house
so of course he will have to change.
there is a week between all contacts.
so we won’t have the clothes at our house to put on for contact, and she doesn’t want them left at ours so we would have to put him in diff clothes, then him get changed in to clothes at her house and then upon me picking him up.

I mean that's not going to work once he's a teen.. but I'd just go with it. It's ridiculous.

Middletoleft · 22/03/2023 09:02

As much as it seems ridiculous you're the step parent (so even if you were right you'd be wrong). Cut your losses with this one even if its a faff.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:05

No he is always packed for over night stay ( it is not at her house ) the 2 day time visits are.
so usually what happens is before these clothes were bought. I would drop of at meeting point dressed in his clothes from our house and then he is returned in the same clothes. Over night visits I would drop him off with a pair of pyjamas and outfit for the next day.
to return home in.
since these clothes have been bought
( he arrived home in them after an over night contact ) I have tried where possible to put them on him, he would then be dropped of back in then and I would use them in the week as I would his other clothes.
now she doesn’t want them to stay at our house in between contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:08

The step parent thing is obvious on this thread but what am I meant to do they have lived in my house for the past 4 years, treat him differently to the other 2 kids in the house that are biologically mine ?
take a step back like the other poster told me to ? So stop doing to the drop offs ? Stop being the contact between them and the mum ? Not provide for him or cook him dinner every night like my own and be like actually his not mine.
of course not I would be hung and I would never do that anyway because I love them to pieces but I can’t win 🤣

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 22/03/2023 09:09

You're massively over thinking this.

Just send her the clothes, folded in a bag. They're hers. Stop thinking about them after that.

LondonPretty · 22/03/2023 09:10

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Harriyet · 22/03/2023 09:11

I think you just need to send the clothes back, and there will be nothing more to think about because she won't be sending him back in them anyway. Absolutely no need for him to be changed in a car, just send him in his normal clothes, and let her keep those other clothes. Job done.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:13

I said up thread that I accept the opinions and will order him the same outfit for home. I just can’t see how he will ever get to wear his T-shirt unless they whole changing thing happens ( loves it ) but I have ordered one now for here.

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:13

@Grouchymardybum25 You'd be fine to stop doing it yes, your DH can deal with this shit. But its nice you are willing to do it.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:14

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:13

I said up thread that I accept the opinions and will order him the same outfit for home. I just can’t see how he will ever get to wear his T-shirt unless they whole changing thing happens ( loves it ) but I have ordered one now for here.

Bizarre isn't it. But never mind. Got to pick your battles. Poor kid is going to think its normal.

LondonPretty · 22/03/2023 09:15

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Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:15

@Fluffodils in my opinion yes 🤣 I find it utterly bizzare.

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 22/03/2023 09:15

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:59

She no longer wants the clothes at our house
so of course he will have to change.
there is a week between all contacts.
so we won’t have the clothes at our house to put on for contact, and she doesn’t want them left at ours so we would have to put him in diff clothes, then him get changed in to clothes at her house and then upon me picking him up.

Still really do not know what you mean about changing him. Just give her the clothes back! She wants to have some of his clothes, she wants to have some toys of his at hers, she wants a connection and a bit of control. You really do lack empathy. ☹️

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 09:15

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Yes, I dont understand this AT ALL. It makes zero sense.

Harriyet · 22/03/2023 09:16

Yeah he definitely doesn't need the same one at home, he obviously had plenty of clothes.