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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable ?

230 replies

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 07:43

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:33

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The kid has a scooter he gets to use for 2 hours every so often and one over night.

A scooter isn't a special unique gift. It's a mode of transport.

This place is mad

Justinripley · 22/03/2023 09:33

"Oh but please can I have a scooter like I do at mummy's house, all my siblings have a scooter they can ride all week"

@LondonPretty YABU.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:34

@LondonPretty but he would need to change to be able to wear them !

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:34

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Can you imagine having to get changed to go and see your mum then having to get changed before you leave your mum's? For two hours? With no contamination issues.

ColadhSamh · 22/03/2023 09:34

@Grouchymardybum25 you are an excellent role model as a step parent. You are one of the main carers of this young boy, it seems you were the one who pushed for contact between mother and son, you are the one who enables the contact to take place by driving and dropping off the child.
Sad that some on here are failing to see how much of positive input you have with your step son. You are not buying another t shirt to 'punish' the mother but because her son is attached to that particular design. Putting the child first again rather than have him upset. Keep on doing the right thing. I'm not sure in a similar situation I would have your patience.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:35

Justinripley · 22/03/2023 09:33

"Oh but please can I have a scooter like I do at mummy's house, all my siblings have a scooter they can ride all week"

@LondonPretty YABU.

Yeah is the answer "no coz mummy's feelings"

Ktime · 22/03/2023 09:36

YANBU. Could you buy the exact same outfit so DSS gets to wear those whilst he's at yours and his contact clothes can be kept in a bag to hand over?

HAF1119 · 22/03/2023 09:36

I definately think it's madness that a child needs to change into a different outfit upon arriving then out of it upon leaving, will mum not be open to you agreeing to dress them in that outfit on the day of visit and not use in between? With it explained that it will avoid her (don't see why it has to be you) changing child at start then again at end and they can just enjoy their time?

Zero wrong in my opinion with buying a replica t shirt - ultimately the child's happiness should come first. If they really like it (mine has ones they really like) I don't see why they should only have it for 2 hours a week and then have it took off them and not have it between.

Should be remembered that it can be a lot for a child going from one place to another and navigating separated parents, if they have an attachment to a certain outfit I think it is kind to let them wear it between one way or another.

The scooter - I don't understand why anyone would say they can't have one with you simply because they have one elsewhere! If they like scooting why punish them!!

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:36

Ktime · 22/03/2023 09:36

YANBU. Could you buy the exact same outfit so DSS gets to wear those whilst he's at yours and his contact clothes can be kept in a bag to hand over?

That seems like a solution but is so weird that poor kid

EyesOnThePies · 22/03/2023 09:36

Yes, it’s pathetic, but what does it matter? She is probably trying to hold on to the limited opportunity she has to provide ‘Mum life’.

Just always send him in the clothes she bought?

Don’t wind yourself up with anger, resentment and judginess against her.

InWalksBarberalla · 22/03/2023 09:37

Doesn't the mum just want them as spares at her place? I doubt she plans on changing the child in and out in the 2 hour period unless there is another puddle or something.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 09:37

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:31

But if they stay at her house the only way he would ever get to wear them without bringing them back to our house 3 weeks our if 4 is by changing for 2 hours and again. Which as I have said is fine I take opinions on board still find it strange.

Ok so she's not insisting on that? In that case, she probably just wants to keep them for emergencies.

LondonPretty · 22/03/2023 09:37

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SarahGD89 · 22/03/2023 09:38

Don't play these games, she wants to feel like she can still be a part of this child's life. This is not a hill to die on, they're just clothes and for whatever reason she needs supervising, at least she is trying to keep a bond and be a parent, she is allowed that chance and will hopefully be given more time as she grows as a person. Nothing pissed me off more than my bio and step parents slagging each other off, trying to use me and my siblings to get back at each other. Kids should feel like their bio and step parents just love them, nothing more and if that means she wants to see her kid in the clothes she bought them, let her. This should go for any parent (step and bio) these relationships are for the child, not you.

Maharajah20 · 22/03/2023 09:40

@Grouchymardybum25 you sound like an amazing step mum to this little boy.

Ktime · 22/03/2023 09:40

ColadhSamh · 22/03/2023 09:34

@Grouchymardybum25 you are an excellent role model as a step parent. You are one of the main carers of this young boy, it seems you were the one who pushed for contact between mother and son, you are the one who enables the contact to take place by driving and dropping off the child.
Sad that some on here are failing to see how much of positive input you have with your step son. You are not buying another t shirt to 'punish' the mother but because her son is attached to that particular design. Putting the child first again rather than have him upset. Keep on doing the right thing. I'm not sure in a similar situation I would have your patience.

I agree, but it's so much more fun for posters like @Nimbostratus100 to write a glib response like 'it doesn't matter what you think'.

NameChange647 · 22/03/2023 09:42

This thread is absolutely mental I'd love to see the replies if it was about a Dad with supervised contact. You sound like a lovely step mum and he is a lucky to have you.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 09:43

@SarahGD89 I can 100 percent say from our end that never happens. I am quite assertive about that and in context there is a non molestation order so the 2 parties can’t have contact so there is never any arguing in front of any of the DC.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 09:45

SarahGD89 · 22/03/2023 09:38

Don't play these games, she wants to feel like she can still be a part of this child's life. This is not a hill to die on, they're just clothes and for whatever reason she needs supervising, at least she is trying to keep a bond and be a parent, she is allowed that chance and will hopefully be given more time as she grows as a person. Nothing pissed me off more than my bio and step parents slagging each other off, trying to use me and my siblings to get back at each other. Kids should feel like their bio and step parents just love them, nothing more and if that means she wants to see her kid in the clothes she bought them, let her. This should go for any parent (step and bio) these relationships are for the child, not you.

I couldnt agree more but there seems to be a lot of people on this thread who would go out of their way just to spite the Mum. That is what is pathetic, not the mum wanting to keep something of her Sons at her house.

SkyandSurf · 22/03/2023 10:00

Ktime · 22/03/2023 09:36

YANBU. Could you buy the exact same outfit so DSS gets to wear those whilst he's at yours and his contact clothes can be kept in a bag to hand over?

Don't buy the same outfit. That's just going to cause more problems with the mum. Clearly she thinks this is a special thing between her and her son (who she only sees in restricted circumstances). Let her have it.

Ktime · 22/03/2023 10:17

SkyandSurf · 22/03/2023 10:00

Don't buy the same outfit. That's just going to cause more problems with the mum. Clearly she thinks this is a special thing between her and her son (who she only sees in restricted circumstances). Let her have it.

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So the feelings of the boy who loves the outfit and wants to wear it at other times don't count?

CurzonDax · 22/03/2023 10:22

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Yes, she can. It seems like this is now what the OP is going to do - bag the clothes up for mum, and if the mum wants him to wear them for 2 hours, she has to change him during that time.

However, how can anyone honestly believe this is the best for the child? The mum sees the child once a week for just two hours, as well as one overnight stay a month. Surely, it would be best for the child (and the mum) to spend all of that time bonding and having quality time with each, rather than fuss around with clothes? Still, I guess if that's how the mum would rather spend her time with her child, then that's her choice and on her (I'm sure the child would rather have fun with his mum, but hey ho).

OP - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 10:33

CurzonDax · 22/03/2023 10:22

Yes, she can. It seems like this is now what the OP is going to do - bag the clothes up for mum, and if the mum wants him to wear them for 2 hours, she has to change him during that time.

However, how can anyone honestly believe this is the best for the child? The mum sees the child once a week for just two hours, as well as one overnight stay a month. Surely, it would be best for the child (and the mum) to spend all of that time bonding and having quality time with each, rather than fuss around with clothes? Still, I guess if that's how the mum would rather spend her time with her child, then that's her choice and on her (I'm sure the child would rather have fun with his mum, but hey ho).

OP - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

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No one has said she wants to continuously change him as soon as he gets there, not even the mum. This is all presumptions. She just wants the clothes at her house which is fair enough

Ktime · 22/03/2023 10:35

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 10:33

No one has said she wants to continuously change him as soon as he gets there, not even the mum. This is all presumptions. She just wants the clothes at her house which is fair enough

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Then why send him in those clothes? She could just send him in the clothes he wears.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 10:36

He fell in a puddle. The clothes were bought in that one instance. They were not intended to stay at ops house.