Who is being unreasonable ?

[Grouchymardybum25]

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

@Grouchymardybum25 ok that's fair enough - so she's expecting him to lie to protect her, and in turn give her more time and him less but she's proven she's not responsible?

And in his mind this is another way of her showing she can't be responsible or amenable?

When he is returned to you wearing the clothes. Wash them and send them back with him on his next visit in a polly bag. I really struggle to see the issue.

yeh, so after one mediation it all broke down 🤦‍♀️ Then this all occurred following
I get by some of the posters if they feel this is a sort of we took custody of him because she had issues
this was not case.
She was not an innocent “ unwell “ person. I think it is unlikely that court will change anything.

The child support thing is him realising they will Never be able have a mutual agreement of contributions etc
he is still happy to move forward at court and hasn’t gone back on this out of spite etc

This whole thread is nuts. If you'd posted it was your XH keeping the clothes you'd have been told he was petty and the clothes belong to the child morally. If you'd said XH pays no child support because you and current DH muddle through you'd have been told to put in a claim for CM immediately because it's the child's right.

But because you're step mum and she's mum, you and DP are just wrong.

I didn't say they were.

I feel like a Tory the amount of u-turns I've done on this thread. I fully understand why it's the straw that broke the camels back now with context. I just hope that all the adults involved make sure any changes or outcomes focus on what's best for DSS.

Fuck me, the comprehension is sparse on this thread.

Op dresses the kid in clothes that he travels to the 2 hour supervised contact in.

The mother wants the specific clothes she bought back, so she can then change the kid into this set of clothes on arrival at his 2 hour visit.

The child wears the clothes for the duration of the 2 hour visit.

Op arrives to collect the child and the child needs to get changed back into the clothes he arrived in, to go home after his 2 hour visit.

The kid loves the specific t-shirt and is attached to it, so Op has to buy him one for his main home.

What is so hard to understand?

Yanbu Op. At all. The woman is a fucking crank but just let her get on with it and try to minimise the damage to the kid.

So you would say no to a kid wanting to wear his favourite character top all week, just so he can wear it for 2 hours for his mum?

Pretty sure the kids choices are somewhat more important than Mums here?

I still don't get this though.. if he fell over in a puddle at his contact time with his Mum why wasn't he changed back into 'home' clothes before going home?

If clothes from Mum end up at Home with him wearing them, he has to be stripped and changed and the clothes handed back immediately, assuming someone on Mums side of things transports him

or OP has to collect, change clothes in car, hand back contact time clothes...

This sounds fucking ridiculous and very much like it is putting everyone, particularly the child, to some stress to facilitate a pointless whim on Mums part.

^^ agree with this.

I think the thing you have to keep reminding yourself, OP is that she isn't a fit parent. She has to be supervised to see her child. So it's not really surprising she's incapable of putting her child's welfare above her own desire for control or validation. It will do you no good to expect her to put her child first, because if she were capable of that the entire situation would be different.

Glad your DH is going to request CM to get at least some contribution.

It's unusual to see a situation where the mum is the one who is slacking and can't be trusted while the dad picks up all the pieces, so maybe some posters just find it difficult to believe. That's the only reason I can think of for the utter bat shittery some posters have put on here in response to the facts you've laid out.

Am I the only one who sees this the opposite way around?

The fact that the family court only deem the biological mother fit for supervised contact does indeed suggest that there are other "issues". Issues that make her essentially not fit to have unsupervised contact with her own child. The idea of someone like that flexing for the sake of exerting a bit of control over something just for the sake of having control over anything is not appealing, frankly.

OP you sound lovely. His mum is clearly in no place to parent him well and they’re both incredibly lucky that you’re filling that void to a large extent. And yes, it’s crazy that the clothes either go unworn or the kid changes clothes twice in a 2 hour visit to please his mother. But hey ho. Best to just take the high ground and keep the peace probably. And claim the cm she owes her child.

I'm sorry you’ve had a rough ride here. You sound very caring and thoughtful.

This, and the fact that there is a non mol order in place, tell me all I need to know about her. She's not even allowed to know where her son lives. That screams volumes about what type of a person she is and its not the sort of person I would be allowing to play power games with me.

YANBU at all OP!!! And you are clearly an ace step mum.

@Fluffodils The child lives full time with dad and the OP, not with his mum. Dad won't be paying any maintenance to mum.

@DorotheaHomeAlone thank you I am used to being the bad person as I am the “ step parent “ I should have no say.
when he first come to live with us we had 24 hours to decide if he was placed in care at the fine he was still struggling with issues that stemmed from being in withdrawal when born. My DP lived in my house, I did not hesitate it took me less than a minute to say of course. Over the years yes I am his step mum but I refuse to treat him like his an outsider in his own home and so he is treated exactly like my others are and there is no oh sorry go ask your dad for that. I do the school run for my kids so it makes sense for me to the school run with him.
if DP is off work then he does the school run for all the kids to. It works for us but I can’t be expected to be the doting “ step mum “ then have no say about other things.

Just send the clothes home. We have never had issues with sharing things across houses, however, we would sometimes end up out of clothes and I did have to request a return of clothes on that basis alone at one point. Now he is older it’s not so much of an issue and stuff just moves back and forward with him across the houses, but, generally we do return clothes to his mums washed after he’s been with us, just so he always has his favourites available 🤷‍♀️.

Equally he does have things like scooters and stuff in both houses, but because anyone is looking to be awkward, but it’s easier than carting stuff back and forward all the time, you want him to feel settled in both places, not like he’s carting half his belongings everywhere.

So the bio mum can do no wrong even when she has such limited access?! Yeah she sounds fantastic 🙄

Why are you choosing this as a battle to fight her over?

How does it negatively impact your day to day life by sending the child and the clothes she purchased, back to her? Ask her not to send him to you wearing them, that way, they can stay there and the child.comes home in the clothes you send him in.

So what if she wants to keep the scooter at hers too?

Nothing to do with you being a Stepmom, its utterly bizarre that you are this bothered by the childs Mom wanting the clothes and things she has purchased to be kept at her house.

Find something more pressing to get worked up over, this really isnt it.

I can't believe how many people are giving you a hard time over this.
His bio mum had her child removed from her care. This is not something that is done without reason. She is the issue.
You are the one that has stepped up and been a mother to the child, yet you are getting the hard time.
Yes technically you are a step parent but realistically you are that child's safe place and thank god he has you!

But it sounds like the OP is refusing to hand back the outfit which is just as odd. Why not send it back on the next contact and be done with it?

Let her do what she wants to do in terms of keeping clothes and toys for the child at her house. It doesn't affect the OP and make it clear to the Mom not to dress the child in clothes she wants to keep at hers

@AbreathofFrenchair read all the posts again. She’s been sending him in the outfit but that’s not enough. The mum wants to keep the clothes there and just put him in them for the two hours when he visits. Ie change him in and out of them and keep them with her. Bonkers!

9 pages of people failing to understand what is being said or just being wilfully ignorant. OP it sounds like you're doing an amazing job and preventing a child from entering the care system is basically heroic.

@LondonPretty your contributions to this thread have been deeply unpleasant.

I dont need to read it again.

So what? Let her, it doesnt affect OP and it's not worth causing drama over.

If she wants to get her child changed twice in two hours, how does that impact the OP? She hasn't mentioned the child is distressed or upset by this, so why does OP suddenly decide she gets authority over where the clothes belong and how they can be worn?

She wants to keep the clothes she buys at her house, I really dont see it warrants all this drama

I think you are trying very hard to be a good plus-mother and doing a great job at it. Let (some of) these comments not hurt you, you're doing really well and your SDC will always love you for it. 😘

If she wants to keep the clothes at hers, she should do that or dress him in them when he’s with her.