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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable ?

230 replies

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 07:43

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/03/2023 08:17

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:16

@ZeroFuchsGiven

so we should get him dressed, then he gets changed again when he gets there and then gets changed again before he comes home ?

rather than us getting him dressed in those specific clothes for contact and using them in-between to ?

Just give her the clothes, its really up to her what she does with them during contact.

Isthisexpected · 22/03/2023 08:18

It's not about the clothes. Something has gone wrong as the natural order of things the child would ordinarily live with mum. So I am guessing this woman is an unhappy lady who needs to do what she can to cope, and controlling things like this is cheaper than therapy. Give her the clothes and send him with a change of clothes for contact.

gencritdd · 22/03/2023 08:18

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:14

No child support, I don’t have issue him wedding the clothes for contact just not sure why he Can’t wear them at home as well.

Because she bought them.

It doesn't matter what you do re the bike but she wants the clothes she bought back. Just wash them and stick them in a bag and return them.

I remember one day tearing my house apart looking for the "smart" outfits my kids had because we were going to a wedding. I knew I'd bought them but they weren't in my house.

My ex swore blind he didn't have them, so I went and bought new smart outfits for the three kids. Cost me a fortune.

The week after the wedding he handed me the original smart outfits and said sorry didn't realise. Oops.

That was the end of anything but old togs going back and forward and I asked for coats and good shoes to be returned and stood at the door until I got them.

I was on a much lower income than he was. Why should I spend my money on clothes that my kids never got the use of and that I never got to see them in? I might as well throw pound notes in the fire.

ViviPru · 22/03/2023 08:18

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:16

@ZeroFuchsGiven

so we should get him dressed, then he gets changed again when he gets there and then gets changed again before he comes home ?

rather than us getting him dressed in those specific clothes for contact and using them in-between to ?

Cross posted OP - I hear you. But you’re probably just going to have to be a bit chill over this one, suck it up and find a way to make it work or it’s going to end up an even bigger stress…

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:19

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:16

@ZeroFuchsGiven

so we should get him dressed, then he gets changed again when he gets there and then gets changed again before he comes home ?

rather than us getting him dressed in those specific clothes for contact and using them in-between to ?

That sounds utterly ridiculous but if that's what mum wants for her contact time then fine. I guess she wants to have stuff for her child at her house.

Twinedpeaks · 22/03/2023 08:19

Good lord you don't sound cold. Mumsnet honestly, where mums can do no wrong.

If you were a single mum and this was DCs dad demanding clothes back, you'd get entirely different responses.

FWIW yes she's behaving childishly, but don't die on this hill. Just send them back and let her piss off her child by making them get changed every time!

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:20

It doesn't matter what you do re the bike but she wants the clothes she bought back. Just wash them and stick them in a bag and return them nah don't wash them. She hardly sees her kid she needs to do some of the washing!

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 22/03/2023 08:20

Bag them up and tell her best she keep them at hers. Send your DSS in whatever you want and if she insists on making him change for a 2hr contact session that’s her crazy business.
Perhaps she will only let him wear them on the overnight stays.

Who supervises the access?

strawberry2017 · 22/03/2023 08:20

She has no control and she's trying to get it somewhere.
There's clearly a reason why she has such minimum contact.
Just leave her to be petty and let her get in with it.

StopFeckingFaffing · 22/03/2023 08:21

Even if you think it is ridiculous, it is not worth causing upset over so just return the clothes if that is what DC's Mum has requested

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:21

Ok I accept your opinions and will replace the certain clothes ( specific character so he really likes them ) for home. He will then have to change 3 times, maybe I can’t see the big deal
but I have far been cold I have been helping with contact, I helped her get the original contact in the first place and do all the handovers for it to be possible.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 22/03/2023 08:21

Ponoka7 · 22/03/2023 08:07

She obviously wants to feel some control (in a healthy way, not abusive) and connection as a Mum. She's buying her child stuff, just like other Mums and wants to experience those things with her child. I'm sure later on if pictures are taken the child will like the idea that Mum bought what was pictured. I worked with families within the foster care etc system. You sound very cold and not understanding. If she only has supervised visits then she's got her own issues? That adds another dimension. It isn't pathetic. Always remember that this is that child's birth Mum. That relationship, links with our mental health etc and managing that, well, is about the child, not the parent.

I totally agree with this, it's a good response

RausageSoul · 22/03/2023 08:22

Maybe she just wants to own a wee bit of her child's life. MIL is a bit like this and if she enjoys folding his wee joggies when he's not there, and she bought them? It's possibly the only thing constant to remind her she's still his mum

minou123 · 22/03/2023 08:22

I dont think you are unreasonable @Grouchymardybum25

You do have a point.

But, like a PP said, pick your battles.
Whilst, you are right and the whole thing is ridiculous, you have to let it go.

Obviously we dont know the ins and outs of your situation, but clearly you are going to have years of battles, problems, disagreements, and this is minor of the grand scale of things.

This is one of those situations where you are absolutely right, but its not worth it.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:22

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:09

It doesn’t matter what I think ? I can’t see how it will work if we return the clothes. What do we then send him in for 2 hours ?

Clothes? If you think it's fine for clothes to be kept at the other house, send him in anything.

In fact, just send him in the clothes she bought. She'll have to send him home in something.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:23

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:20

It doesn't matter what you do re the bike but she wants the clothes she bought back. Just wash them and stick them in a bag and return them nah don't wash them. She hardly sees her kid she needs to do some of the washing!

She has minimal contact. It wouldn't hurt to just not be a dick.

(Not you OP)

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 22/03/2023 08:23

Buying character clothes for a child can be like buying a toy when it comes to attachment. That makes her even more selfish in my opinion.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 22/03/2023 08:24

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 22/03/2023 08:20

Bag them up and tell her best she keep them at hers. Send your DSS in whatever you want and if she insists on making him change for a 2hr contact session that’s her crazy business.
Perhaps she will only let him wear them on the overnight stays.

Who supervises the access?

This.

Just give her the clothes back in a bag and tell her not to put him in them when he's coming back to you. And tell her to make sure he's wearing the clothes you've supplied when he's returned to you

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 22/03/2023 08:25

As resident parent I used to get annoyed when the good clothes I bought went to dads and didn't come home.

You'd probably get annoyed if you bought something special and your child wore it to the other home and came home in clothes you liked less.

It's a small thing that you can fix. Send the clothes back to mums.

As for toys it's completely normal to have different toys at different houses. I don't under why you would expect toys bought by one parent to move with the child to the other parents home.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:26

@GoodChat we often send him in the clothes she bought, it’s just he usually comes back in them and then he doesn’t go again for another week so we use them in-between to.
it is supervised by family members but I do drop offs and collection as it’s too far for them travel and I drive.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 22/03/2023 08:27

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:26

@GoodChat we often send him in the clothes she bought, it’s just he usually comes back in them and then he doesn’t go again for another week so we use them in-between to.
it is supervised by family members but I do drop offs and collection as it’s too far for them travel and I drive.

If she's sending him back in them there's not much you can do. To be honest, if she only has one overnight a month he's going to grow out of them in no time if he doesn't wear them in between overnights.

raspberrywine · 22/03/2023 08:30

He can wear those clothes on contact days. Why can't he wear other clothes on non contact days?

SherbertDabs · 22/03/2023 08:32

The clothes belong to the child. Why would you care who the child was with when the clothes were being worn? Better to get use out of them I’d have thought.

Original poster
Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:33

@raspberrywine I mean he does wear other clothes on contact days. My issue is she now wants them retuning at the end of contact so he would be getting changed MUTIPLE times for 2 hours once possibly in the back of my car !

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 22/03/2023 08:37

Grouchymardybum25 · 22/03/2023 08:16

@ZeroFuchsGiven

so we should get him dressed, then he gets changed again when he gets there and then gets changed again before he comes home ?

rather than us getting him dressed in those specific clothes for contact and using them in-between to ?

Just dress him in what you would normally dress him in, put the clothing that the mother bought in a fucking bag and send them back with him next time. Stop trying to cause problems and show a bit of kindness