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AIBU?

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

2089 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
34%
You are NOT being unreasonable
66%
Lesvacances · 21/03/2023 21:03

You’ll get told on here op that you shouldn’t expect anything ever off your dp’s.
However, I agree with you.
Me and dh are not rich by any means but we’re comfortable.
We have given our adult dc deposits for a house, money towards cars and weddings and paid for them to have holidays, new furniture etc.

To me the best use of our money is to enjoy seeing my dc and dgc getting things now while we’re alive and can take pleasure in (a little) of their happiness.

We’re not silly, we make sure we have a good life too but money imo is always better shared around.

I don’t have any advice re your dp’s.
Perhaps be honest and ask if they could help you with a family holiday. They may say yes.

Merryoldgoat · 21/03/2023 21:06

I can’t imagine being rich and not helping my children financially.

DH’s parents are well off (not rich but very comfortable) and we are relatively comfortable but have no significant savings and they help us now and then with specific things for which we are very grateful and they gave us our deposit for our first flat.

StylishM · 21/03/2023 21:06

If I had as much wealth as your parents, I would absolutely be helping my DC. My DDad is a lovely soul and is always offering us money which we politely decline, as he still has need for his income, but he regularly buys us theatre tickets, weekends away & meals out, probably to the tune of £1.5-2k per year. He loves to see us enjoying time with our DC without worrying about the cost.

You're not entitled to help, but I understand your thoughts and feelings completely

Obeythedancecommander · 21/03/2023 21:06

I don't understand parents who have excess who wouldn't want to help out their kids/grandkids. I couldn't watch my kids live hand to mouth whilst I had all of what your parents currently have.

Correlation · 21/03/2023 21:07

If you were my child I’d help you out, but I don’t think a lot of people think like me in that regard. My parents are wealthy too but are very awkward about money and made me pay rent when I was 16 living at home.

do you have siblings?

babbi · 21/03/2023 21:08

Like the previous poster , I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all to feel as you do .
I’m far from rich but earn a good salary and I take great pleasure in helping out siblings , parents etc as well as offspring.
I feel so fortunate to be able to help out .
no idea why your parents wouldn’t offer to be honest .

BounceyB · 21/03/2023 21:08

I can only say it depends. Whilst they're still young enough to enjoy their money, they should. I think it also depends on your age and family dynamics.

My plan will be to help my kids pay for a deposit for a flat but that will be the extent of it until I die. I can sympathise that life is hard but at the end of the day it's their money.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:09

When my df won big money neither me nor my dc got as much as a bag of sweets.. Can't imagine winning even a nominal amount and not treating my dc...
At least if they need care in old age op you won't be getting called upon...

Newpuppymummy · 21/03/2023 21:09

I have mixed feelings about this. I would help my kids out. Absolutely. But my parents weren’t in the position to do so and I felt such pride buying my first car/home. More than peers who were given cars/flats. And I wouldn’t want to deprive them of that ‘I did this’ feeling

WandaWonder · 21/03/2023 21:11

There is helping because parents choose too, and kids expecting to be helped to me there is a difference

Aftjbtibg · 21/03/2023 21:12

My mum is well off and helps us in various ways from transferring me money to buy household stuff or larger sums of money just because she wants to help us and see us enjoy her money now rather than as inheritance. I get where you’re coming from as most parents are like that

Weallgottachangesometime · 21/03/2023 21:13

I can’t imagine having masses of excess money and not helping out my child financially. I probably wouldn’t want to prop them up financially monthly, but I probably invite them on a holiday and pay, or help with purchasing a new car etc.

It strikes me as odd but I think peoples approach to family and finances varies wildly!

DojaPhat · 21/03/2023 21:13

I stand firm in my belief that parents should do whatever they can to help their children (all else being equal). There seems to be a prevailing attitude that once a kid hits 18 then they're on their own. I find that very sad. In your parent's position I would have helped you out a lot more than just a few extra gift cards at Xmas or whatever. Unless there's a giant dripfeed coming then yanbu to feel bitter.

hanginds · 21/03/2023 21:13

@jennybrightcandle this may be controversial but im not sure mortgage free, second home and full premium bonds is ‘very rich’? 100k a year is 50k each, heavily taxed and will only pay for a few holidays and relaxed style of living of whatever food you want etc.

I think it would be nice for them to share it, have they ever given you anything? If the only savings they have are 50k in premium bonds then I can see why they may not want to part with it.

If it was me, I’d be giving my kids the money, even if earning less. But perhaps they feel they want to spend it if they’ve never had it before? Mine were very much like that whereas I’ve grown up with money and will happily share it as it’s not a novelty if that makes sense. Also you could just ask them outright…

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 21/03/2023 21:15

Sharing is caring
Yanbu.

missmollygreen · 21/03/2023 21:15

YABU, make your own money

snugasbuginarug · 21/03/2023 21:16

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

They can't spend all their money on themselves even if they tried and they can't take it with them when they are gone. If it's left as an inheritance 1. a huge chunk of that will go to taxes and 2. They won't be around to see you enjoying their gift for you.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 21/03/2023 21:16

I have the same with my mum, she is actually obsessed though with money to the point that if you even mention any situation which requires money she thinks you are asking and she goes very quiet.

I am not and have not asked her for anything but she's obsessed and it's really annoying.

Dh's parents however have been very generous over the years and they have far less !!

Midlander01 · 21/03/2023 21:18

Maybe they don't realise how hard up you are, or feel they survived at your stage (or have forgotten about it!). Some older generation don't really understand how tight things are for many people now.

What will they do with their wealth when they die? Do they want the taxman to take a huge chunk? Maybe they could consider investing for their GC.

There's no harm in being honest with them and ask for financial support.

Travelationjubilation · 21/03/2023 21:19

My parents have all that and more. They don’t share a penny

elastamum · 21/03/2023 21:20

Yanbu. I am planning to sell the family home and downsize to gift my DC a deposit so they can buy in their 20s. I feel lucky that I am able to help them. Hopefully our beautiful house will go to another younger family who will love it like I do. No one in their 60s needs 5 bedrooms.

MrsOnions248 · 21/03/2023 21:20

I would be hurt as well OP. I can’t imagine going on multiple holidays a year and not offering to help my own children and grandchildren out a bit. I see a fair bit of this on Mumsnet and it baffles me because my parents were / are so generous - with their time as well as their money.
Fair enough your parents have worked hard, OP, and deserve to enjoy their money, but surely they’d also enjoy seeing the massive difference a small amount of their money would make to the lives of their children..?

Sugarmicetails · 21/03/2023 21:21

Op don’t think
you’re being unreasonable!

my dm is in similar situation - she constantly helps me out with things! She will buy ds fancier clothes/ toys than I can afford.
she will regularly do a food shop for me!
I know there is a mortgage deposit there if I want it.

I would also do the same for my ds

Moonlightisenthralling · 21/03/2023 21:22

It's so tricky, my DF is a bit the same. He's not super rich but he's very comfortable, retired for 40 years, wouldn't cross his mind to even take us out for lunch. He says he's leaving it all to us which is lovely but I just don't get why you wouldn't want to enjoy it with your family whilst you're still alive. Baffles me, oh and yes he will be giving 1/3 of it to HMRC when the time comes ....

Poepourri · 21/03/2023 21:23

I agree. My parents are divorced and nowhere near as rich as yours but have separately helped us out financially in the past.
Helped towards buying a house and later, reducing the mortgage.

But as a friend of mine says - you don't get rich by giving away money.

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