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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:
Radical0live · 21/03/2023 21:24

Probably why they are rich! Tight with their money, even to their own family.

5128gap · 21/03/2023 21:26

As long as I'm better off than my children I will share what I have and help them. If they reach the point of being better off than me, they'll treat me. It's not about parental obligation It's just about families sharing and taking care of each other.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 21/03/2023 21:27

Have you asked them for help?

OMGitsnotgood · 21/03/2023 21:27

I agree adult children shouldn't expect help from their parents. But I do find it hard to understand why very well off parents wouldn't help hardworking but financially struggling children, especially if it also improves things for their grandchildren. We are very comfortable (not megga rich) and will be helping our DC with deposits. One is in a very valuable but very undervalued/underpaid profession. The other earns considerably more but we will make them equal. They'd inherit it when we're gone (hopefully not for a long time yet!) and we will get pleasure from helping. Appreciate it's a privilege afforded to few but doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Neither child knows we are going to do this. They both work incredibly hard, and are good with money & save as best they can. We wouldn't consider it if they didn't work / save though.

xogossipgirlxo · 21/03/2023 21:30

You can't force your parents to do it, but for me it's quite natural that you help your kids when you're well off. That's what I would do, especially now.

Tatosquish · 21/03/2023 21:31

YANBU. My mother is the same - like Smaug, sitting on a huge pile of cash and not willing to even LEND me money 😳. Or even discuss it.

Hibye23289 · 21/03/2023 21:31

But do they know money is tight every month? Maybe they are oblivious to all this and think that because you have a mortage you don't need help ie deposit

mdinbc · 21/03/2023 21:31

I don't know, if you turned it around and your parents were poor, would you help them on a monthly basis? If they gave you a set amount per month, would you get dirty looks going out for dinner or buy trendy shoes?

I can see them helping out with holidays or larger purchases, but they have worked long and hard for their money. If they are in their 60's they can potentially live for 30 more years, which may include medical care. Do you have siblings, and would you expect the same for them? I think every family is different.

They have raised you, most likely paid for schooling to set you up to look after yourself. They might want to help, but I see no need to feel obligated to share the wealth, so to speak.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 21/03/2023 21:32

My parents are well off and they have helped me and my sis massively in many ways (not just financial - but got us both in property ladder, very generous with gifts). If I am ever in a similar position I would do the same for my dc (can't imagine I ever will be sadly).

Unless there's been a huge rift or the child is grabby and entitled, I can't imagine not wanting to help them out as a parent.

dietcokelime · 21/03/2023 21:32

I think it's very tricky!

As you said, they've not had this money all their life and now through lots of hard work like you said they're finally getting the chance to enjoy things they can now afford.

Are you thinking they're very rich and then you should be getting some of it? You're about to have 18k spare a year when not paying for childcare, surely that will be a huge change in your fortunes?

midgemadgemodge · 21/03/2023 21:33

They didn't grow up rich
You are not rich now
No one gave them help

It might just be that you seem to be coping as well as they did at your age so they have no worries for you

But getting older they have worries for themselves

Dibbydoos · 21/03/2023 21:34

Your parents aren't rich they are comfortable. They earned that in retirement and honestly, they went through what you are so big up. Sort your own life out.

OtterlyMad · 21/03/2023 21:38

YANBU. I understand how you feel because I have grandparents like this (very well off and all of their children except one - my parent - is a millionaire) and it really hurts that they seem quite content to watch my siblings and me struggle to get on the housing ladder while they’ve got a huge 5-bedroom detached, always have new cars, fly first class… and all their other grandchildren are privately educated, go on ski and yacht holidays, have never worked, etc. Some people have said “you’ll get something when they pass” but a) that’s not guaranteed, and b) why wouldn’t they prefer to watch their money making a real difference to our lives instead of it just piling up in their bank account?

The other side of my family is dirt poor in comparison but would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it… go figure.

Ostagazuzulum · 21/03/2023 21:40

Same situation, my parents are very well off, offer nothing. We don't get birthday or Xmas presents, just a card. We live hand to mouth, and get by. My parents take it one step further though, they gloat when they buy things, tell me it's only money, criticise me for not buying better quality things and tell my DD I should buy her this and that etc. they literally throw their money away and will think nothing of spending insane amounts on things (their money their choice but they brag alot).

soffa · 21/03/2023 21:45

I think it's weird to have the money but not help tbh.

TheSingingBean · 21/03/2023 21:45

We have nothing like your parents income OP but try to be as generous as we can with our children.

One thing though, we always make sure to give each child the same so if we help one we actually end up parting with that amount x3, if you see what I mean. Could that be a factor in your situation?

My parents helped us a lot, and now I want to do the same for our kids / grandkids. I struggle to understand people who don’t, tbh.

LemonTT · 21/03/2023 21:45

IMustDoMoreExercise · 21/03/2023 21:27

Have you asked them for help?

This really. Do they know what you need? There is an onus on you to ask as they might have made the wrong assumptions.

Beware the answer. I know some wealthy parents who are happy to help put their children but not their spouses. They may have decided to skip a generation and give the money to their grandchildren.

They may also just see this as the cycle of life. Wealth accrues and there is value in working hard for it when you are younger.

LadyLapsang · 21/03/2023 21:46

OP, you mention your DF’s income. How much do you and your partner earn?

MysteryBelle · 21/03/2023 21:46

I think it’s strange that they don’t offer to have your dc sometimes or give you presents of money from time to time based on their free time and well off circumstances. So what you’re feeling is justified I think. Two cruises? They certainly treat themselves.

JustJamie5 · 21/03/2023 21:48

Maybe the ‘struggle’ is more valuable than the money and they can see that because they’ve lived it…. Maybe they don’t want you to miss out on the highs and lows of making your own way.

Jackie chan said something along the lines of how he’s not leaving his kids his wealth because either they won’t need it because they’ll be successful enough to make their own, and if not they won’t spend it wisely so he doesn’t want them to have it to waste it (maybe Google it… this is entirely from memory and he probably said it more elegantly than I have!)

blacktreacles · 21/03/2023 21:48

I’m massively generalising here and assuming we are roughly the same age..

not saying our parents generation didn’t have to work hard and save, with my parents things certainly didn’t come easy and they didn’t have any financial help from their parents but I really don’t think that generation can fully comprehend how hard it can be to be actually get on the housing ladder / childcare costs these days.

We’ve had to sell our car, then we found out we are expecting, the pitiful savings I’ve scraped together over the years will now be used to pay my rent over my maternity (self employed) and then presumably childcare. Husbands career keeps up locked in London bur am still met with comments such as ‘when do you think you’ll be getting another car?’ ‘isn’t it about time you start thinking seriously about buying a house now’

I just get the impression that they don’t fully understand how impossible it can seem to make financial progress and that mentality carries over sometimes into ‘ well we didn’t get any help so why should we help’

just caveating because now I feel terribly guilty and my parents are so lovely and supportive generally but I can’t seem to get that message on the whole things are actually harder financially for our generation.

CrosswordConundrum · 21/03/2023 21:49

My experience with this is PIL, who are more wealthy than what you’ve described (but not oligarch rich!).

They lent us money for a deposit for our first house 20 years ago. It was £40k which enabled us to buy in an area we liked rather than one further out without their help (we live in an expensive part of SE). Neither earned much at the time, interest rates were 6% etc. so we didn’t have a lot of surplus at all. It was lent via a promissory note and we paid half paid back within a few years, with the full intention of paying it all back. The other half ended up being gifted to our DC when they were born, in a trust. It was tough with big mortgage and childcare costs.

They are v generous with b’day/Xmas gifts, dinners out and get together type things but beyond that have never given us cash, nor have we asked or expected it. We now do well for ourselves but are certainly the least well off of the siblings by a stretch. Because the others really don’t need any support, I imagine they think it would be weird to give to only 1 child and now we don’t need it in the same way.

We are v grateful for the initial loan. Beyond that DP doesn’t expect anything from them but I think secretly suspects they may all get a large inheritance. In the meantime they are living a v good life and who knows how much care may cost. They earned it so it’s theirs. I think I possibly would help my DC more, not because we feel hard done by but because I’d want to and value money differently. I view time and stress as more valuable than stuff, so if my DD wasn’t so stressed about working silly hours in a job because she had to, that would be worth it to me more than her having a status house/car/holiday.

curious79 · 21/03/2023 21:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable but neither are they. They must have some kind of philosophy around we've worked hard to get to where we are and now we'll enjoy it (and maybe too that they're fulfilled their obligations as parents?). Do you know if that's the case? Are you close to them so that you can ask, either what they're thinking or if they can help at all? Nothing ventured nothing gained kind of thing.

BCBird · 21/03/2023 21:49

I don't think it should be an expectation that parents help out. I would think differently perhaps if you were destitute. Their money is their's to do as they wish.

soffa · 21/03/2023 21:50

My parents are well off and they have helped me and my sis massively in many ways (not just financial - but got us both in property ladder, very generous with gifts). If I am ever in a similar position I would do the same for my dc (can't imagine I ever will be sadly).

Surely if you have been helped massively you will be able to help your dc?