Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

But do you think that OPs parents have a choice over whether they do this or not?

Do you think that OPs parents can choose what to do with their own money?

Of course they can. And are. That doesn't change the fact that it is selfish, unkind and also shows a great deal of stupidity in terms of sensible financial planning. But it's their right to behave selfishly and stupidly of course.

Jesus Christ that's horrific. I'm so sorry. Just awful, selfish people.

The stories, and attitudes of some posters here too, are so shocking. How could anybody do that to family. 😔

If you want to give , could you skip a generation, if you want to give, and put money in trust for specific purposes for grandchildren in the case of all children so you are not perceived as being inequitable but have some control on how the money is spent so your hard earned cash is not wasted?

And what makes you think the grandchildren will match your moral views on money?

I've heard it all now. Skips over your children and only let their children inherit. Wow.

Only on Mumsnet. I've never met anyone in real life who thinks like that.

@Liorae you'd hope people who think like that wouldn't have had kids wouldn't you!? I feel really sorry for their children, you can see in many of these posts how confused and hurt they've been (understandably!) by their parents' lack of empathy and kindness. To know your parents put so little value on your quality of life when they could improve it hugely without any significant impact on their own lifestyle, how awful. It must damage relationships a lot, not because of the money itself but the selfishness showing so little love. Parents who view the idea of sharing family wealth with them as outrageous "entitlement" and imposition rather than the entire purpose of it. Weird, and a horrible thread to read. Especially to see so many PPs defending such behaviour vehemently.

im in my late 40s and - apart from the foreign holidays - could describe myself in much same terms as the OP.

And we have a FiL roughly in the same boat as the OPs parents.

but our joint income is huge. It’s laughable to suggest we should have any more.

It’s all about disposable income - when you have a mortgage and childcare costs you have very little and when you are older you have more. OP is already looking to the future when finances work better. And this is pretty much the same for EVERYONE.

If children are going to be expecting their income to be supplemented to get a better lifestyle then this could get very expensive for parents. Gifts are totally fine but the notion of looking at your bog standard lifestyle and thinking you should be given more and then at the same time
critisisimg your parents financial planning (for not giving you money) is plain old entitlement.

I don't think that's unreasonable to assume they would help.

We are in the opposite situation here we're we are more comfortable than our parents and family and we have financially helped both of our parents and siblings.

I'm on a low income and so is my mum (my only parent) so I'm not in this position but I can't imagine not helping my child out if I could, especially as I know what it's like to be poor.

It’s all about disposable income - when you have a mortgage and childcare costs you have very little and when you are older you have more. OP is already looking to the future when finances work better. And this is pretty much the same for EVERYONE.

Except not everyone has wealthy parents with disposable income themselves.

There is no obligation for those parents to give anything.

But lots do give and enjoy making a 'bog standard lifestyle' a bit more pleasurable. Partly because they get pleasure from it themselves.

@TheHoover You are not the same as the OP though are you? What outgoings do you have where you struggle? None it would appear. Why would anyone with a huge joint income expect more!?

For parents without a huge joint income, it can be helpful if parents help.

No one is saying parents with lower incomes should be obliged to help. However if you have £200,000 pa coming in or a substantial portfolio of several £million, why would you not help?

But lots do give and enjoy making a 'bog standard lifestyle' a bit more pleasurable. Partly because they get pleasure from it themselves.

I have zero problem with giving. I have a problem with expecting. I also wouldn’t necessarily describe OPs parents as rich. The other factor is that older generations often place a very high value on saving / management of wealth. Which is not unreasonable - they could both live for another 35/40 years. possibly they will start lavishing gifts when they realise they are beyond comfortable. But when that happens is not for anyone else to judge except them.

My point is that everyone (except the genuinely rich) has an answer to the question ‘what would you spend an extra £5k a year on’.

What outgoings do you have where you struggle? None it would appear.

wow where do you get this from?

we are looking at 2-3 years with no foreign holidays. I drive an old banger. DD has mostly second hand clothes. All because we’ve been hit v hard with interest rates rises. But we chose to stretch ourselves and buy an expensive house. If I dared suggest I was deserving of more money then an orchestra of the worlds tiniest violins would play.

I have zero problem with giving. I have a problem with expecting. I also wouldn’t necessarily describe OPs parents as rich.

Apart from Wedding Dresses OP's wealthy parents haven't given any handouts. So it's hardly a case of 'expecting'. She has financed her life herself.

I think it's more a case of 'wishing'.

we are looking at 2-3 years with no foreign holidays. I drive an old banger. DD has mostly second hand clothes. All because we’ve been hit v hard with interest rates rises. But we chose to stretch ourselves and buy an expensive house. If I dared suggest I was deserving of more money then an orchestra of the worlds tiniest violins would play.

Tbh you have no idea if OP's situation is the same as yours. Or if she has 'chosen' to stretch herself or is just getting by in a cheap house.

it's hardly a case of 'expecting'. She has financed her life herself.
I think it's more a case of 'wishing'.

Exactly And I think that underlying it all is the wish that she had parents with empathy and who care.

I help my kids out as much as I can. They don't expect it, and they encourage me to spend on myself rather than them. But I continue to help them because I love them, and their lives are far more financially difficult than mine was at their age. So I'm funding some therapy that my DGD needs but can't get on the NHS in time (but that I was able to get for her mum at that age free of charge and with no waiting list). And I treat them to meals out that would otherwise stretch their budget. And I'm paying more than my share for the little uk holiday that we're all having together, because I can afford to, and I consider myself lucky that they enjoy my company enough to want to have joint holidays.

That all indicates to my kids (I hope) that I recognise their situations and care about them enough to want things to be a little better for them. That I love them.

@TheHoover
You said your “joint income is huge”. So is this incorrect? You seem to want sympathy but have an “expensive house”. Ridiculous decision if you if you cannot afford the mortgage. Boo hoo over your car! My heart doesn’t bleed for you. Cut your coat …….. etc. You decided on your priorities. Obviously the wrong ones.

This also has nothing to do with parents giving. Most DC do not expect but do wish life was easier with a bit more money. My DD has a fairly expensive flat we helped her buy. It’s expensive due to the location she needs for work. Happy to help.

Well your income isn't huge then is it... or even after a max mortgage you'd have plenty money left.

What you mean is you have a good income but you've spent it all on a house

Well this is the point really, wealth is relative and we choose what we spend our money on, plus things generally get better (ie i get a pay rise next month).

I’m sure we all know / have known people who say they are broke and can’t afford to come out so you stand them a couple of drinks then you find out they are actually just saving for something big.

btw I am not going to say our income but genuinely I’d be laughed at if I claimed it really wasn’t that big (for info I wouldn’t describe OPs parents as particularly rich).

@TheHoover
I think most of will just agree you are stupid and can’t manage money then!

Haha. Probably.
maybe OP is too.
[goes off to ask FIL to pay for a trip to Barbados]

I voted YABU because I am in the same boat as you; over time we have learnt it is obviously not reasonable to half hope/expect rich parents to help.

They don't help. They never will, and I really think they will disinherit us just to be tight arseholes.

We are proud in that we have built up our own house and nice cars completely on our own; we go on little caravan holidays which my kids adore, and most importantly we all love and respect each other...so whilst is a shame they won't be a little bit helpful (I am actually excited to give my kids everything as they grow older, so I struggle to understand) we accept that they just aren't generous people, and if we ever needed financial help we would have to pry it out of their cold dead hands. So that'll clearly never happen...and that's fine...

...We will remember though, as they grow older and perhaps need some help from us, while they have sat back and watched us struggle....evil laugh

I think it’s really individual. My parents are very well off, from nothing when they got married in the 60s.

They are very generous, I actually told them I didn’t need the amount of cash they give me (monthly) a couple of years ago and asked them to reduce it which they did. I earn a reasonable amount of money, I don’t necessarily need this money but they want to see their children comfortable and at their age have no need for their income.

I use it to pay for my car, I’d never expect it though.

@dripdripdripdrip
You do need to consider if they wish to reduce their estate to reduce IHT. This is a big driver for us. Giving gifts to grandchildren is also worthwhile if you don’t want the money.

Haha. Probably.
maybe OP is too.
[goes off to ask FIL to pay for a trip to Barbados]

Barbados? Don't take the P*.

Why not with them, to Spain for a week?

Not rich so not likely but DH and I always said we'd help our girls, we'd rather actually see them enjoy it and it would be more help while they were setting out in life, rather than wait until we died and they were better off any way