Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

I know it is hard for young adults to make it financially in the current worldwide economic situation. I know you feel hurt by your parents' lack of financial support. Mt children are grown. My oldest came out of college with over $100,000 USD in school debt. He married in 2019. His wife also had school debt. They also both had car loans. In three years of marriage, they paid off over $60,000 in debt with him serving as a children's ministry director and her working as a nanny. A tiny portion of the money used to pay off the debt came from my husband and I when we paid off one of the smaller school loans for them. My husband and I don't have much money either because he's a pastor and I'm at home due to health issues. So, helping them was a huge sacrifice. Knowing that we helped them as much as our financial situaiton allowed and that your parents are not helping you, I can see where you would feel hurt and want help. Every situation, though, is different. I don't know your parents' values and how they grew up. Could that play into them not helping financially? Could they have been taught as they were growing up that once children are out of the home should be completely self-sufficient? Here is an example of a comparable situation from my life: While I helped my son and his wife financially, when I got out of college my parents gave me a few pieces of beat up, used furniture and a car that was on its last legs. After that I was completely on my own financially. I was below poverty level and qualified to live in subsidized housing despite having a teaching job. Even so, the subsidized housing was too expensive for me, so I chose to live in a cheaper apartment. It was horrible housing because the previous tenant was a chain smoker and the walls, outlets, and light switches were covered with smoke stains. Despite my low income, I independently paid off my school debt early. My parents were and are financially quite comfortable. They could have helped me with my debt, but their value system was different than my value system. They have a view that you are stronger when you make it through tough financial situations on your own. My values are that if my children are acting in a financially responsible manner (which they are) then I am going to help them financially as much as I can if they are struggling. Could your parents have similar values to my parents? I suggest opening a conversation with them about finances. Start by saying how much you love them and respect them and how much you appreciate the childhood they gave you. Share a favorite memory or two and some values they taught you that you appreciate. Tell them how proud you are of them for building such a fine income. Then share with them how you are struggling financially. Give them specific examples of something you need but struggle to afford. Share with them what you are doing to be financially responsible. Then ask if there is any way that they can help you financially with something that would be a long-term help such as paying off a debt or something of that nature so that you don't have to come back to them later asking for another handout. Or ask them for non-monetary help such as childcare. Help of that nature is more of a boost up than a handout. In addition, one-time help or non-monetary help allows your parents to remain financially secure and enjoying retirement. As you are speaking with your parents ask them about their financial values and listen attentively to them. No matter what they say, tell them that you respect them and love them. Do not let different financial values get in the way of a close relationship with your parents. It may be hard for you both financially and emotionally. You may feel very hurt even after such a conversation, but take the perspective that love is expressed in diverse ways by differnt people. In fact, by not helping you financially, your parents may be expressing their love for you and your family if they believe that by not helping you financially, they are helping you to be strong enough and resourceful enough to take care of yourself and your family, even when it is difficult. Good luck!

PS: I have NEVER been on a holiday overseas or a cruise, as much as I wish I could. It has never been in my budget and my parents have never been on or taken me and my siblings on an overseas holiday. Even so, I feel that I have had a wonderful life. Do not make an overseas holiday your priority. Instead make your family and relationships your priority. Practice daily gratitude. That is what I do, and it is transformative. Have a great week!!!

@lifeturnsonadime Did you hear read the OP....you are completely twisting things, stupid comment

If a person chooses to bring a child into the world, I think they have a certain amount of responsibility to help them where they can.

You didn't choose to be born and living hand to mouth.

@GrownKids No one here has that level
of university loan. Ours is paid as a graduate tax according to salary. 50% do not pay it off at all.

It's just a bit gutting when you realise your parents use your finances as a stick to beat with you and resent helping with things like housing.
It's also a bit galling when they never discussed budgeting as a young adult but were too miserly to buy their young kids with lunch ( even a snack)on a day out.

OP is not living hand to mouth 😂😂😂

When your parents were your age they were probably in the same situation as you. Did they go crying to their parents to finace rhem?

we are looking at 2-3 years with no foreign holidays.
Oh the agony😂

I owe just under 90k in student loan, in the UK....

Ask them for some cash or help. Even to transfer rental into your and siblings name. Talk about estate planning. They can just say no. It'll at least make them think. Did they have any inheritance?