Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

rich!

I’m slightly confused about your “investment based” income point. Obviously the investments/consultancy side of things is unreliable but their pensions are both DB.

The second property is probably worth around £500k, their main property is maybe £800k.

All these figures are very very rough and I promise I am not actually obsessed with money and don’t go around valuing everything all the time 😬 I’m just trying to give some indication for the purposes of the thread.

I definitely think you are not being unreasonable. We are in our 60s, both still working, asset rich but not very cash rich. I don’t get why people are saying your parents aren’t rich, of course they are! Typical mumsnet where unless you are earning 250k you are very average. We have a good enough income (lot less than your parents) but own a house worth around 500k and a business worth similar. We have helped both our children, money towards house deposits, money towards weddings. One child works in public service role so is on a not great salary, the other is a director in a multinational so earning a lot more, but both are treated the same. I very much would rather see them enjoying our money now than inheriting it later and paying IHT.

We benefited from generous parents when they were still alive (as well as inheriting from them) so want to pass that good fortune on.

My parents were similarly well off and they took enormous pleasure in providing me and DSis with the little extras we couldn't afford despite our hard work. They were scrupulously evenhanded about it too. They couldn't have imagined doing otherwise.

I'm not as well off as they are but I'm comfortable, and I make damn sure I support my adult DC, including the one I fostered, where I can.

I think it simply comes down to the fact that some people are generous and some are not. My parents are most definitely not and haven't ever been (even though they can afford to be) I'll soon be giving my DC a deposit for his first house (or a lump sum towards it) Not just because I can but because I want to. As a parent it's just a natural feeling to want to help DC out. We're all different I guess.

Wow. I think your wrong on a few points. I don't know where OP lives. But my own location is getting very expensive as everyone's advice is to move. That's now made my location crazy in private rents (as others).

It's just a different generation nowadays. It's not OPS fault when she was born either.

That’s why they’re rich!

ha honestly the wealthier they are. The more right they are and for a good reason…

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

My parents have always showed their support (in everyway ie finance, child care etc) to us whenever we needed it. In fact I didnt even need to ask. I know they would always put me first and I am so greatful and feel really lucky to have parents like them. I would do absolutely do the same for them and for my kids too, I would hate to see my loved ones struggle while living comfortably myself.

However I do know a lot of parents who wont help even if they are in the position to. I could never understand that. To me love and family are not just empty words, kisses and hugs, love is to have each others back, to help when you are able to.

Of course if the kids are just lazy and waiting for handouts, thats a different story.

Honestly we have multi millionaire parents and they don’t help much. But then we don’t need help but if I was in their position heck yeah would I offer my kids help!

"their still young enough to enjoy their money".

But surley giving op generous gifts here and there doesn't mean it would impact their capital and ability to enjoy their money at all?

I never understood this reasoning like the same thoughts that giving a generous present on Xmas and birthdays will bankrupt rich people?

Op I hope but I don't think I will be in a position to help dc financially. But I will as much as I can.

@JustJamie5

Maybe the ‘struggle’ is more valuable than the money and they can see that because they’ve lived it…. Maybe they don’t want you to miss out on the highs and lows of making your own way

Yeah I can see that side of the argument. Although the flip side as I mentioned in my longer comment is that a birthday/Christmas present of a few days all expenses paid holiday in Italy or whatever would brings a lot of happiness without “depriving” them of the sense that they’re building things off their own backs. That’s the “compromise” outlook iMO. Whereas going on two luxury summer cruises when your only 4 yr old grandson has never been abroad does seem a bit Scrooge McDuck. But hey, it’s their money.

I am nowhere near as rich as that but my mortgage is paid off. I help my adult children as much as I can as the way I see it it I want to see them enjoy it now rather than when I am dead and gone. It is now that they need the money, not when I have gone. It is so much harder for this generation than it was for mine and I think people forget this with the 'I had to pay for everything myself and got given nothing' attitude. I get enjoyment from seeing my children happy. I can see where you are coming from. It is your parents money to do as they wish but I would rather spend it on my children than go off on several holidays, especially if they were struggling.

My dad isn't well off but when I was struggling to get enough together for a house deposit, he helped me a lot. Now he's getting on a bit, we help him. I think that's what loving families do.

Ok this is the last post I’ll answer about their financial situation because it is all a bit weird, but to clear up a few things:

• pensions are DB and very secure - and the total £100k is probably on the conservative side (it’s not that hard to work out how much their pensions would be because of their jobs they did)

• my dad is doing the consultancy work because he enjoys it - to be fair to him, he worked hard and is now an expert and gets asked to do some cool stuff
• their small rental property is worth around half a million

The pension numbers don't add up
Max you can pay into a Private pension is just over 1 Million which gives you 40K per year.
100K would give you 65K .
You are on 80K
They about 125 K
Considering they might need to fund another 20 years of life and the consultancy work dry up YABU to call them rich.

How old are you OP?

Max you can pay into a Private pension is just over 1 million that’s not true.

What do you want your parents to do? Specifically.

OP, perhaps on the outside, it looks as if you are doing ok. Decent house, vehicles, clothes, children in activities? If you say your mum was shocked that you had no savings and how much of your income childcare was.

Maybe have an earnest conversation with her and your dad.

I also know that times have changed. I am in my 60's with grown children, and we did not ever have even a weekend away from children until the youngest was 13, nor did we ever leave the country for vacation. Our children never went to Disney etc. They (your parents) might go away on their vacations not ever expecting that your family feel they are missing out, they might see vacations as a reward saved for retirement. We all have different perspectives on money and perceived wealth.

I don't want to get into the whole 'my generation had nothing' conversation, but I do think that times are different and views on money are different as well. They just might not realize that you are struggling.

They are certainly well off enough to treat you all occasionally. Older people tend to hoard money and some don't even realise what their properties are worth because they bought them for a few thousand pounds many years ago. I had a conversation with an elderly couple recently who estimated that their house would probably worth about £100k now. Miles out, it would be more like £400k!

We've done very well for ourselves and love to treat and spoil our adult dc and their partners and our gc. We pay for some holidays, lots of Christmas and birthday presents, meals and days out. The older one had some towards a house deposit with the equivalent put by for youngest who is still at uni.

There's absolutely no point in hoarding money then paying a load of IHT.
Passing money on to dc will help them out more while they are younger. Eg when we gave a house deposit to our eldest dc they were able to start their own successful business.
We want to enjoy our money now and see them enjoying it.
We don't want to risk living until we get very old and passing on loads of money when our dc are in their 60's and the money is barely of use to them then.
No point missing opportunities of lovely family times because of being too busy counting your money.

@Busybusybusydoingnothing
I think it simply comes down to the fact that some people are generous and some are not

Yeah that’s also true. It’s the case remember that there are millions of people who are parents because … it is/was the done thing … that’s it. Scrimp and save for a decade and raise a couple of kids. Then at 16-18 its adios amigos! Good luck! The notion that they might still need to / be expected to be forking out when the kids are 30 something simply because they’ve finally saved some decent money never crossed their minds (or if it did would have scared the shit out of them!)

Do they know that you feel that you could do with some help?
Have you asked?

You maybe being unfair to them because on the outside it may look fine to them - you say yourself you are doing fine and are not on the breadline.

You tell us you have no savings - but do they know that?

I think you are being unreasonable to think that they are mind readers and would just offer. Plenty of people in that situation wouldn't volunteer help because they would fear offending - suggesting in other words that it looked like you needed help or weren't coping - or that it might offend your or your DH,

There was a thread on here this week about a woman who had a big huff because her DH's mother gave him some money to pay off her credit card.

It's not that unreasonable for parents to think if their children wanted some financial help they'd ask directly or at least drop some heavy hints.

They’re certainly not ‘very rich’.

Well, the good news is that if they’re not very rich, we DEFINITELY aren’t - so I don’t need to worry about anyone saying that I shouldn’t be complaining on my salary 😁

They will be paying hefty tax on that pp.
The people that laugh when others say these figures are not that much don't seem to realise the amount you need for investments to remain and build to have a livable income in retirement, they want to have enough money to have some choice about care options in the future.

Op, how are they with Christmas and Birthdays?