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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 22:10

IMO there is nothing more enjoyable than treating your dc to things, I do it now with my teen dc and if I’m lucky enough to have more money when they are older I shall continue to treat them. However, my well off parents don’t hold the same values (even though most of their wealth is from inheritance) they are the same as yours op, really quite mean with it.

ashamed1235 · 21/03/2023 22:10

My mum is the same OP. She wasn’t wealthy when we were growing up but now hundreds of thousands and a significant property portfolio. She has a flash sports car, high end house, wears jewellery worth tens of thousands and so on. We are OK ish but like you, juggle each month and most of our luxuries have had to be cut due to the COL crisis. Our car is 15 years old, we are not going on holiday and so on.

i don’t expect her to share her wealth. One thing that does upset me however, is that one of my children has had some health issues which has required private treatment due to the issues with the NHS. We have scraped this money together whilst she has just returned from a luxury holiday and bought a new Porsche. It does rankle a bit so I understand your feelings. YANBU.

okaybut · 21/03/2023 22:10

To add to above point re 100K / yr at this age not that much (especially if most needs to be put back into investment capital rather than liquid assets):

My parents are in the same position, about same wealth bracket, slightly nicer standard of living that I wouldn't begrudge them - eg a few holidays, don't have to scrimp on groceries – but nothing ultra luxurious. Recently they had a health scare where we looked into costs of long-term care (many, many different expensive services required for the condition) and it was a mind-blowing amount.

So I don't blame your parents for trying to build up a healthy nest... They don't have as much excess wealth as people think. Retirement is unpredictable, and "slumming it" a bit is fine for middle-aged or younger people, but I wouldn't wish it on old folks.

PriOn1 · 21/03/2023 22:10

I wonder whether the current generation of well-off retired people are not aware of how fortunate some of them have been to have lived at a time when accumulating seems to have been easier than it was for previous generations and (unfortunately) easier than it will be for their children.

In many cases, they probably didn’t get much help from their own parents and thus assume (quite possibly wrongly) that it’s only a matter of time before their children get where they did.

ASGIRC · 21/03/2023 22:11

I have never even been out to dinner with my parents without them paying.
They couldn[t help with deposits or larger financial things, but they help when they can.
Currently my stepdad and his sister are in line to inherit a very substancial amount and all they want is to help out their kids, like pay off their mortgages or similar.
My aunt helps my cousin with childcare and speech therapy...

Again, I couldn[t fathom parents not helping out if they could, and I just hope I can do the same for my future children when I have them!

Comii9 · 21/03/2023 22:11

Fallingoffacliff · 21/03/2023 22:07

I am a single parent, but retrained at age 48 and now earn 100k a year. I have given both my adult sons a 25% deposit for a house, and furnished the houses ( with furniture they chose), and I can HONESTLY say, NOTHING in life has brought me more joy. I am very lucky to be well paid, but even if I wasn't, I would still help them as much as i possibly could. I just cannot understand how parents can watch their children struggle, if they have the means to help them.

This is lovely. It's the principle not even the amount of money. Well done you.

LocalHobo · 21/03/2023 22:12

100K for a young or middle-aged couple is more about the continued earning potential / the guarantee of continued income. Here, the age/employability/retirement factor is a huge one. 2 cruises and 2 properties is more privileged than many in this economy, but not really the height of luxury at that age, and most certainly doesn't mean they're set for life.
Especially when considering the price of care if needed in the future. This would easily eat through 100k pension income and owned property. I'm sure you won't want to bail them out so far better they are sensible with their money now.If care isn't needed then you will eventually inherit in any case.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/03/2023 22:12

You aren’t being unreasonable.

As you say, they aren’t obligated to do anything, but it’s pretty odd not to, I mean why wouldn’t you.

Have you tried bringing it up?

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 22:12

@hanginds the £100,000 is interest on their investments and also their pensions.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 22:13

Your parents aren't "very rich" just comfortable in their retirement.

I didn't want to be rude and be the first to say, but now several others have.

It's a bit of a tough one, as their assets aren't cash to distribute. Cash wise, they probably can't give you that much as a lump sum, and a monthly amount would be a bit weird.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 21/03/2023 22:13

I don't understand it OP. First, if they have no mortgage, own two homes outright (presumably nice ones) and have over 100,000k a year in investments, plus pensions, they are very wealthy compared with 90% of the population.

My mum and my MIL are both far less wealthy than that but have shared the wealth they have, made sure we had deposits for houses, gave us money when they came into some and that type of thing, also generous birthday gifts, buying winter coats, shoes, just whatever they can afford.

I already share what I have with my children, I'm a single parent, earn ok and I'm happy for us to all benefit from me being reasonably ok off. Nothing in me wants to keep it for myself, beyond sensible provision for retirement. I will help my kids with cars, house deposits and so on if I can, or even just make sure they are ok at uni. I don't understand any other way, what would I be working for except them? As long as my own lifestyle is reasonable, I'm happy to share.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2023 22:14

They don't sound rich to me, they sound comfortable, which is quite a different position.
Perhaps they see you as coping and are not concerned about your finances.
Do you think they would help if you asked? Are they generous with DC at birthdays and Christmas? Did they help you with uni and cars etc.
Perhaps you can ask them how to invest the 18K pa you will be freeing up soon?

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/03/2023 22:16

ashamed1235 · 21/03/2023 22:10

My mum is the same OP. She wasn’t wealthy when we were growing up but now hundreds of thousands and a significant property portfolio. She has a flash sports car, high end house, wears jewellery worth tens of thousands and so on. We are OK ish but like you, juggle each month and most of our luxuries have had to be cut due to the COL crisis. Our car is 15 years old, we are not going on holiday and so on.

i don’t expect her to share her wealth. One thing that does upset me however, is that one of my children has had some health issues which has required private treatment due to the issues with the NHS. We have scraped this money together whilst she has just returned from a luxury holiday and bought a new Porsche. It does rankle a bit so I understand your feelings. YANBU.

Bloody hell.

That is crap. Does she realise?! You are very forgiving if so. Hope you LO is doing we now.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/03/2023 22:16

I’m on the fence, on one side if it was mine I’d help out on the other I really dislike it when adults think they are entitled to hand outs as their life choices mean they struggle.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2023 22:16

I'm in a similar position. Single parent. Disabled child. It astounds me to be quite honest because if it were me and I had enough to make my kids lives easier, it'd be the first thing I'd do. I don't understand it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rosesandstars · 21/03/2023 22:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Could you maybe mention to your parents that other friends receive financial support from their parents?

Moraxella · 21/03/2023 22:17

@Fallingoffacliff out of interest what did you retrain as?

Hbh17 · 21/03/2023 22:17

They don't sound rich at all, just comfortable and in a position to finally enjoy the benefits of all their hard work. It baffles me that any adult would want hand outs - aren't you proud of your independence? If you start accepting money from parents, you may find that they want a say in how you spend it, or think it's OK to criticise your choices. This way, there is no risk of any interference.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/03/2023 22:18

plugin12 · 21/03/2023 22:03

I find it crazy that people can be that comfortably off and not help their own children - there is nothing else in life money could buy me that would make me happier than helping out my own children - a lot may disagree but I simply find it hard to believe parents like that love ,care or have any regard for their children at all - obviously with exception to situations like not wanting to fund addictions or not having money to help.

100% agree.

I also cannot imagine my mum pootling off on two cruises when her grandchild has never had a holiday and i hadnt been on one since 2015?!

We love to use our money to bring each other joy its really sad they dont help you out

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 21/03/2023 22:18

I guess I am like the OP’s parents. My DH and are early/mid 50’s and go on a ridiculous amount of holidays each year.
I helped my eldest DC with a flat deposit (70k) and have the same put by for younger DC when the time is right for them to buy.
Other than that I don’t help my DC out. I mean we take them out for a meal or activity at least once a month but am not involved in their finances at all. I guess I think back to when I was younger and things were so incredible tough and I sort of think that’s how it is at that stage of life. Then it gradually gets easier but at the time you can’t see that it will.
I received a thousand pounds from
my in laws towards my wedding but no other help and I can’t say I ever thought about it or expected it.

AlwaysGinPlease · 21/03/2023 22:19

I couldn't be well off and not help my DC. We have 3 grown up and helped them all. Always will.

I know a woman, her father died, left mother a very wealthy woman. She is loaded. More money than she has time left to spend it. She watches her DC constantly struggle. Just cannot understand it.

HoneyPotBee · 21/03/2023 22:20

If I was bringing in £100k on top of a final salary pension there is no way I wouldn’t help my children out. They must be spending money like water.

Rosesandstars · 21/03/2023 22:20

@Fallingoffacliff , that's so lovely.

I just wondered- what did you re-train to do?

Rosesandstars · 21/03/2023 22:20

Moraxella · 21/03/2023 22:17

@Fallingoffacliff out of interest what did you retrain as?

Haha, great minds!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/03/2023 22:21

My inlaws are wealthy (mix of inherited and high salary/pensions etc) and they throw money at all of their children. They take us all on holiday every year, pay for numerous meals out across the year, give large cash birthday presents including to me and regularly give random sums of money for things. As an example they've paid for our last 4 oil deliveries (with share dividends from energy companies) and thats not because we need them to. As far as I'm aware that's normal for their friendship group.

We got money off both sets of parents to buy our 1st house. I don't understand why parents who have the means to help wouldn't.

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