Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

She knows about the issues and the private doctor. And she knows my salary. I’ve never asked her for money and she has never offered. I would never ask her.

Perhaps, given that it sounds like at the stage of life you were at, they were in a similar financial position, they may feel that they were satisfied with their lot at that point, so don't think that you might not be?

It gives us real pleasure to help our children. The money we give them is worth a lot more to them as they don't need to pay tax or NI on it.

They need the money now, not when we are dead.

I agree that your parents aren't very rich. They are, indeed, comfortable.

They are also mean. Who wouldn't want to support their kids and grandkids with holidays, help with housing or general gifts? Their own children!

There's a saying

Shrouds have no pockets.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’d do the same for my children. My mum is always trying to slip me money when they come down and I earn more than they did combined when they were working!!

A couple of people have asked how wealthy they and we are. Obviously don’t know all the details of their financial situation. And it’s crass to talk about money. But I started this thread so here we are!

From what they’ve said, I think it is something like the following:

• Final salary pensions (probably around £80k for my dad, £20k for my mum)
• State pensions
• £100k a year ish coming in from consultancy work/investments (obviously the consultancy work won’t continue forever)
• Two properties owned outright, they live in a five bedroom detached and rent out a smaller house
• No idea really about savings but I know they have full holdings in premium bonds and max out their ISAs each year etc

I have one sibling who has no children. DH and I are mid 30s and earn around £80k combined so we are doing ok but not minted (live in the SE so huge mortgage).

They definitely do understand about IHT and have told me me about their friend who owns her mum’s house to avoid IHT.

They think we are doing fine and possibly don’t realise how hard the past few years have been financially for us and/or think we just buy too many avocados. I did recently tell my mum how much childcare costs these days and that we have no savings and she was visibly shocked on both counts!

Maybe they think you need to ‘struggle’ a bit as part of being an adult and the value of supporting yourself?

my mom is pretty wealthy, and I know that if I ever was really desperate she would help me out, BUT there is very much an expectation that I need to support myself. I would never ask for help unless really desperate, and I think it has pushed me to be more responsible about my own finance and driving my own career. I don’t see her as being stingy or selfish - both her any my dad always emphasised the importance of fiscal responsibility and standing on your own two feet, so this is just an extension of their own values. I will stand to inherit (hopefully in the distant future), but that will be a bonus not a lifeline.

my husband on the other hand had always had support from his parents, and I think is really quick to look for them for support, even when not really needed. I think he takes it all for granted, but they have a different family dynamic.

with my own children (still young) I am torn between wanting to help them through their difficulties and wanting them to have independence and confidence to sort out their own problems. I don’t think there is one right answer.

Do they really ever help you at all? Do they ever treat you to meals out or weekends away or anything? Do they buy things for your house? If they don't do any of these things then yes, I'm surprised.

It's a public sector role, but I earn very well because I do Agency work, so its much better money, but can be very hard work, and always away from home with often long commutes! I don't want to sound like a martyr, but I just don't see the point of having money in the bank when I can help my children.

OP it sounds like you’ll receive a big inheritance one day.

How old are they op and how long have they been reitired for ?
you need to keep in mind that they pay tax on thise incomes and privaye pensions,they also want to enjoy this time after working hard and still have to consider they may live a considerably long time like this and may want tohave funds to pay for long term care if needed and still leave you and sibling an inheritance.

I too am in a very comfortable situation.
Your OP sums up the conversation I was having with my grandson: entitlement!!! You are the epitome of the word.

I don’t come from a family with excess cash. But all my wealthy friends have been helped out massively over the years by their wealthy parents. To the tune of 100s of thousands of pounds! (Blows my mind a bit that people have that much spare cash lying about!) But, their wealthy parents would also have been gifted house deposits etc from the wealthy grandparents many years ago, so it is what is normal and natural in their families. Wealth gets passed on down so that the young adults can maintain the standard of living they were used to as children!

But I suppose your parents made their own money a bit later in life, and didn’t have handouts from their own parents. They might not have thought of themselves as struggling without that help, so may not realise that you feel that you are. But are you actually struggling? You’ve got your own home, you both have jobs. What do you want a ‘handout’ for? Maybe if there was a particular thing you needed then your parents may offer to help?

Again, your parents are in a very similar position to my parents.

It's a bit of both IMO. You don't understand how much padding they actually need for the uncertainties of an investment-based income in retirement (and I also think it's unfair to expect them to downgrade their standard of living which doesn't sound particularly lavish, just a bit nicer). And they don't see how much you're struggling/pressed.

Based on previous MN threads, I think some posters on here will think it's a bit rich of you to complain about struggling on an 80k salary. I don't think it is fwiw! But it does highlight the point that people don't tend to understand others' financial realities in detail.

My father knows how much I’m struggling and yet has never offered to help. I don’t expect it, but if my kids were on the bones of their arse working three jobs to keep afloat, I’d definitely be helping them if I could because I’d want to. But I will never ever ask him!

They’re late 60s/early 70s and retired just over ten years ago (although my dad has continued working as a consultant on and off since his official retirement).

I have wealthy parents. My sibling and I don't ever really ask for any specific help, but they offer and we can accept with no guilty strings attached.

They have helped us out with all of life's 'big things' so far.

If I'm in a position to do the same for my children then I will, I can't really see why a person wouldn't.

OP they really don't have "wealth".

Pensions you have no idea about the value. Presumably DF isn't working because he would rather not enjoy his retirement. So pensions are potentially nowhere near your guess. Consultancy work that is not long term which is where they'll be topping up their ISAs from. That £100k is taxable btw, so make it more like £60k.

They don't have "properties" it's their house they live in! Plus a small rental property. They will be using the rental income for something. The premium bonds, they could have had full holdings for decades.

Maybe they are a bit out of touch with current living expenses, but you're on £80k a year. It's not their fault you've picked a location with a huge mortgage.

The idea you think they are very rich suggests you are also a little out of touch.

I wouldn’t judge them too harshly. I think that generally speaking in Britain (and much of Europe) we live in a fairly atomised culture where most family/friends don’t really help each other out all that much, and are generally quite tight around money. Big loans and financial gifts between friends/relatives are quite common in other parts of the globe, but not so much here - though that’s changing a little bit nowadays at terms in terms of housing, as wealthy parents are becoming more pragmatic and realise a financial gift may be the only way their kids will get on the housing ladder.

Culturally it can also be an awkward topic to broach - “Oh looks like you guys are really struggling to make ends meet - job not working out etc. Shall I write you a cheque?” They perhaps think you’d rather struggle on on your own terms rather than accept charity. However where I differ from their thinking is that they could at least give generous birthday gifts - eg a holiday etc. As that kind of thing isn’t really awkward at all, and there’s huge pleasure in gifting stuff.

How old are you OP?

To add to above point re 100K / yr at this age not that much (especially if most needs to be put back into investment capital rather than liquid assets):

Err, on top of 100k pensions & state pension that's 220k coming in...

Both mine and DH's parents have always helped us out financially, (buying things for the house, giving us lump sums towards the mortgage) we've never asked for a penny and don't need any financial help, it's just the norm in our families, our grandparents did it for our parents too.

Why is his opinion any more valid than anyone else’s? Lots of people aren’t successful financially but don’t waste money.

It's such a mns thing for someone to reply to a post about money saying "actually that's not much" 😆